Friday, July 6, 2012

Weiner Cleaner and other shit that's kept me from blogging...

Yes, I'm still alive.  The spawns have been yanking on every nerve this summer, but they haven't broken me yet. Medication helps.  A lot. Well, at least until you run out and the pharmacy screws up your prescriptions and you turn into a crazed lunatic and get kicked out of Walgreen's.

I didn't really get kicked out.  But, I will wear a disguise next time I go in, just in case. I need one of those nifty mustaches that are so popular now.  And, a little orphan annie wig. I wonder if my sister will let me borrow some of her ass-jackin' hooker heels?  Hmmmm.

Anyway... my point here is that my kids are driving me bat shit crazy, but I'm still functioning on some level.  Summer seems to be taking for fucking ever to be over, though.  I've been trying to busy myself with working, writing, daydreaming, drinking adult beverages and soaking up some rays.  Although, I think I overdid it with the sunbathing because my belly button is burned to a crisp right now.  It ain't a pretty sight.  It looked pretty gnarly before - all caved in with fat rolls and decorated in bright white stretch marks.... now it's bright red and stinging.  And, to top it all off, the fucking stretch marks didn't change color.  That shit doesn't tan??  WTF?!  What's the use in tanning to look 10 pounds thinner if those mofos stand out worse than they did when the skin around them was ghostly white?! If I get skin cancer, I'ma be really pissed.

The combinatin of motherhood and poor dieting has fucked my body all up.

But, I digress.

In my "spare" time, I've been busying myself by whipping up homemade facial creams and body wash concoctions. (This Pinterest shit is the devil.)  My family members have served as guinea pigs in testing out my products; and so far, none of them have died or contracted that oily, anal discharge that seems to be a common side affect of shit sold on TV.  As a matter of fact, the face cream seems to be "selling" like hotcakes. (I put that shit in quotations because nary one of these biznatches have actually traded CASH for the stuff. Yet.)  One batch of the body wash was awesome.  But, another one turned out kinda slimy.  I have 2 gallons of the slimy stuff.  And, no one seems to want it anymore.  SOOOO.... I'm repackaging that shit (I do have a background in marketing, y'all) and selling it as....

WEINER CLEANER!

....because every weiner needs a good cleaning.  Plus, you don't need a washcloth or spongee thing to get the job done.  Simply, squirt some slimy weiner cleaner into the palm of your hand and get to strokin' that bad boy clean! 

Wanna buy some?  Momma's selling that shit here:  GET YOUR BOTTLE OF WEINER CLEANER TODAY!


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