Friday, August 30, 2013
If I Had a Nickel...
Yesterday one of the new snooty moms at the littlest spawn's dance class kept staring at me, so I smiled and said, "HI!" Although what I really wanted to say was: "What the fuck are you staring at, heifer? Do I have a zit on my nose? A booger on my cheek? What?!"
Snooty Mom: Hi... do I know you from somewhere?
Me: Hmmm... No, I don't think so.
Snooty Mom: Yeah, I think I do... what school does your daughter go to?
Me: Moore... but I'm rarely ever there... so, that can't be it.
Snooty Mom: Did you go to Baylor?
Me: Ha! Nope. You don't know me. I just have a familiar face. I hear it all the time.
Snooty Mom: Wait! I know! You're on the church festival committee! Or choir? At Prince of Peace?
Snooty Mom: But you do go to church?
Me: This feels like an interrogation. Are you a cop? I didn't do it! I swear.
This is how many encounters with strangers go for me. Do I go to church?? HA! But, being confused for a church lady ain't shit, y'all. People are always thinking they know me from somewhere. I've been confused for a flight attendant, a circus performer (shut the fuck up), and even a Walmart employee (which isn't all that hard to believe).
Sometimes, my friends even spot one of my evil twins in odd places. I'll randomly get a text from a friend that reads something like: Are you sitting at a bar in Miami right now? when I'm in bed blowing my nose and reading a trashy novel. Sometimes I have to check my surroundings to make sure that I am NOT indeed in Miami... or in an airport... or at a blackjack table in Vegas... or wind surfing in Hawaii. My evil twins get a lot more perks than I do.
And, one time, I had this very old lady walk right up to me, tilt her head and stare holes into my retinas, "you look just like my son's wife - she died of cancer two years ago." Then, she just walked off. All I could think was that THAT BITCH JUST GAVE ME OJO! (for those of you who did not grow up around Santeria and Mexican voodoo, ojo is the ultimate "evil-eye staring curse" you give people to jinx them for life... it can only be countered by being touched by the person doing the staring)... and that old hag didn't lay one finger on me. She musta hated her dead daughter-in-law and she is now taking that shit out on innocent look-alikes!
To get that shit overturned, I had to pay $20 to a shady bruja who made me drink chicken blood and sleep with raw eggs in a jar of vinegar under my bed for 3 days.
What if it didn't work? Maybe that pain in the back of my head really IS a tumor!