For Father's Day we got Hubber a TiVo. Let me just say - that thing is the best invention EVER. I mean seriously. In the olden days, I had to "hold it" until a commercial when I got the urge to pee. Now? I just pause that sucker. Yep. Pause. Live TV. Whoda thunk?!

*******

I just re-read my last entry where I was acting as the friggen infomercial for the 8-minutes in the morning crap. To know me is to know that that diet lasted all of 2 weeks. Those skinny people in that book suck. And speaking of suckage. Yesterday on Oprah (which I have a TiVo Season Pass for) there was this lady who weighed 350 pounds and had gastric bypass surgery and now weighs 125 or something ungodly like that. Her boobs drooped all the way down to her crotch before having an extreme make-over. I'm not sure why suckage reminded me of that lady. Maybe I was really remembering the guy who had lyposuction. Ewww. Fat shlurping through a clear tube is nasty. I'd rather leave it in my body where it doesn't make me puke to look at it. It's time to face the facts and come to terms with the realization that I'm just meant to be overweight. Big, beautiful women ARE IN. 'nuff said.

*******

I'm in the market for a new vehicle and I can't make my mind up. I like everything. I like nothing. Will my precious Peanut hate me when I trade her in? Will she curse my new car? Will her new owner be as caring as me? Will her new owner be a smoker and give her cancer? Or will she sit in a used car lot for years just rotting away and wondering why her mommy left her? What the hell is wrong with me?! The Peanut is a CAR. A CAR. Not a person. Not a cat or a dog or even a hippo. But A CAR! Any other sane woman would be thrilled at the prospect of having a new vehicle! No other sane woman would be worrying about hurting the feelings of her old car. I need to get a grip! Breathe in. Breathe out.
Life keeps going...and going...and going...

Ok, so where the hey have I been, you ask? Mostly just being busy out of my friggen mind. That's where. My last post was March 2. It is now April 22 (duh). You know how usually time seems to go by really fast? Well, Spring Break was only a little over a month ago, but it seems like it's been 89 kajillion years since I was in Colorado, soaking it up in a jacuzzi without a care in the world. It's been meeting after meeting after conference call after luncheon after gosh darn meeting at work lately. And at home. It's been J's school stuff...Hubber's coughing...My cooking, cleaning, barking orders... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! And now, my grandma pulls her guilt trip crap about how she NEVER sees us...and that she hardly recognizes J anymore. Damnit woman, I barely have time to watch my Y&R every night and catch Survior and Friends on Thursdays...and you want me to find time to visit YOU every week?! She's nuts.

It would be nice to be one of those X-Men characters that can stop time, wouldn't it? Oh, the things I would do! How funny would it be to go around and pull everyone's pants down? Then, QUICK! Turn time back on! Hillarious! I can just imagine everyone so perplexed... why are my pants around my knees...wait a minute... why are YOUR pants around YOUR knees??? Ha! hahaha!

Speaking of booties... J has a new obsession with the word "ass." Since an ass is a donkey, then why isn't the word "grass," grdonkey? and "glass," gldonkey?" That's some funny shit, huh? My child is a genius. She'll be the next Nobel Prize winner! The next Einstein! I'll be rich! SHOW ME THE MONEY!!

Seriously, though. I've been super busy lately. I did read that book, "8-Minutes in the Morning for Real Shapes & Real Sizes." All the cheese-ball-ish pictures of Jorge were really hokey and drove me nuts half the time, but there was a pretty good message there. It's all about eating smaller portions and making sure you're getting vegetables and fruits into your diet along with essential vitamins/minerals, etc. I know, it's the same crap that's been pounded into our head since FOREVER, but Jorge just makes it seem so easy. PLUS - you only have to exercise for 8 minutes everyday. And you do it in the morning right after you wake up. EASY! Piece of friggen cake! uhm. errr... did I just say cake? I meant... sugar free jello! I start Monday. I've contimplated pigging out before then to try to get it out of my system. But, I decided against it. I'm actually trying to eat sensibly BEFORE I even start dieting! I see a whole new future for me!
Ok, I'm back from Colorado and I've finally gotten caught up with work, so I have a little time to blog. It's been a crazy week. It was like the entire universe had it in for me. I even got paranoid a few times, thinking maybe someone had me on Candid Camera! But today is surprisingly quiet. My boss said he was going to give me a happy birthday by not talking to me about work all day. Woo Hoo! So far, he's stuck to his word...but then, he's been in meetings most of the morning anyway. Either way, it's been nice so far. Tonight my family is meeting at the Aquarium downtown for dinner. I was supposed to have a birthday lunch, too, with a few girlfriends, but we're postponing that until tomorrow. So, I'm flying solo for lunch today, it seems. Poor me. :-)

So, anyway - on to my vacation. It was really nice to be able to get away for a little bit. We didn't get snowed on while we were there, but we drove up to the mountains twice to play in the snow. The snowman we built was little, scrawny and pathetic, but he was cute. We stayed in an awesome cabin while we were in Estes Park near Rocky Mountains National Park. It's so neat around there, deer and elk just hanging out in the streets and in people's yards.

The one thing I learned NOT to do in Colorado is eat at Mexican restaurants. We went to this place called The Grumpy Gringo. I picked it because I loved the name, of course. It sucked ass. Hubber's sister liked it okay - but she's a gringa herself, so she doesn't count. Hubber's been around my peeps long enough to be considered "one of us" - and he didn't like it much either. Or at least he said he didn't when I gave him the "I think this stuff is nasty as shit" look.

While in Estes Park, we did manage to drive by the Stanley Hotel. But our ghost tour was cancelled so we didn't get to do the fun stuff. It's a really gorgeous place. I was kinda disappointed that we didn't get to see any ghosts. Oh well, maybe you have to actually STAY there to get that little treat.

We also drove up to Pikes Peak which was pretty damn cool. We didn't speed up the damn thing, though, like they do in those 18-wheeler races we heard about.

Do you watch South Park? Assuming that you do, remember that episode where Cartman wants to have his birthday party at Casa Bonita and one of the kids he didn't invite wanted to go really bad and Cartman kept bragging about it? Ok, well, we went there. It's kinda like Ponchos, only better, with entertainment and such. The food sucked ass, of course, but we had a fun time watching the cliff divers, magic shows and playing games. J thought it was the best restaurant EVER. She would be wrong.

We also went here and here. Those places were awesome...except we did them both on the same day and when I woke up the next morning, I could barely walk. The Cave of the Winds is supposed to have some haunted caverns...but again, no ghosts were hanging out to scare the crap out of us. I guess it was just our luck. When you're looking for a ghost, there's never one to be found.

Ok, well that's pretty much the skinny on my Spring Break vacation. Stay tuned in July when I go to Disney World!
That was the strangest concert ever. I guess I just can't relate to those Enrique Iglesias fans. They dance around between the aisles...they sway their arms to and fro...they cry and scream and drive me absolutely nuts. And if that isn't bad enough, Enrique is such a sissy-girl-whiner, eh? And where's the damn mole?! That was going to be the highlight of our night! Mole. Moley, Moley, Mole! GuacaMOLe. You know, the whole Goldmember thing. That movie is funny as shit.



If that concert had lasted any longer than it did, I probably would have shot myself dead. But it was free...and we were at the RODEO...so I shouldn't be complaining - we had turkey legs, margaritas, sausage on a stick, funnel cake, fried twinkies (I think they had crack in them) and french fries. Enrique who?!



I think we had more fun people-watching than anything else. Tight pants, bellies hanging out, weird hats, big hair, cowboy boots... Fun Fun Fun! It was like Halloween - except funnier!



P.S. 2.5 days left until we leave for Colorado!

Yesterday we began getting ready for our trip (3.5 days and counting). Hubber thinks it's funny that it takes me 5 days to pack for a trip. At first I tried to hold off - just to see how long it would take for me to break down and let my obsessive compulsive behaviors kick in. After 30 minutes, I decided that I don't give a shit if he thinks it's funny. If I want to start packing 2 months early, then, gosh darnit, that's what I'm going to do. Besides, a lot of what we need for this trip was packed away in dark closet corners - you know, snow pants, gloves, hats, sweaters - stuff you don't have much use for in Houston. So, there's a pretty slim chance that we might have to use any of it before we leave. Packing early is smart. It saves time. If you do a little each day, you don't have to do much the night before.

Anyway, we came across some old 8mm tapes from way back when. There was one of J when she was about 18 months old. She was bumping and grinding to some hip hop music! I had forgotten about that tape! It was funny as shit. Then there was the cutie-patootie naked J at 2 years old, taking a bath. Awwwwe! I could just eat her up! I doubt she lets us take nudie girl movies of her now. Not to mention, it's probably illegal. At what point does the cute-naked-baby-age end? Hmmmm. 3-ish?

Oops... gotta run - we're going to the rodeo tonight to see Enrique Iglesias. Don't ask. I'll tell you more tomorrow.
Almost every day I get a call on my cell phone from some long distance number. And every time I answer it, it beeps at me...like a fax line. So, I figure someone's faxing the wrong number, right? So, I type up a little note asking them to please QUIT trying to fax my cell phone. I dial their number on my fax machine and slip the paper in. It rings. And someone ANSWERS the line! What the...?@!

So - I pick up the phone on our fax machine and say "hello." But they hang up on me.

Ahhhhh! I call back. Fax beep again. So, I figure it's a phone/fax line. Can you send a text message to one of those things? I tried, and it didn't work.

I tried faxing again, she answered the phone, but this time, I was ready for her! I picked up the phone and screamed, "quit faxing my cell phone, Beeeeyotch!!!!" Ok, I didn't say "beeeeeyotch," but I wanted to. This time she heard me. I told her that her phone/fax was ass-backwards and it called my cell phone and when I tried to fax, it called her phone instead of her fax line. She took my number down and apologized.

We'll see what happens tomorrow.
Road Trip's Almost Here...

In 9 days, 19 hours and 29 minutes I'll be strapping my seatbelt, sipping my soda, feet up on the dashboard on my way to Colorado! It's an 18 hour drive - but we're making CDs, and taking plenty of DVDs to keep us busy! There's this place called Woody's Smokehouse about 100 miles outside of Houston that has the BEST beef jerky EVER! We'll stop there, of course... there's no way I'd make it 18 hours without some jerky to suck and chew on. I can almost feel the peppers lodged between my teeth. mmmmmmm -- jerky.

Wichita Falls, TX

I remember our last road trip to Colorado. We decided it'd be cool to stop at a few landmarks on the way there and back. So, Wichita Falls was our first touristy stop going up. We were under the VERY misleading impression that there were actually FALLS in Wichita Falls. Even the map said we wouldn't be disappointed. So, we stopped in at a Tourism station in Wichita Falls, TX for instructions on how to get to the falls. We then found ourselves WALKING through a park on a 1 mile trail...because that was the scenic route, we were told. When we finally got to the "FALLS," we were horrified! It was a mold infested sewerage line spilling into what we in Houston call a DITCH! There was a plaque on the wall explaining that the Falls had dried up in 1923 or some long ago year! What the...?! All that stupid lady in the tourism station had to say was that there isn't actually a "falls" in Wichita Falls. How hard would that have been?

Roswell, NM

On the way home on that trip, we decided to take a little detour into New Mexico - specifically to check out all the alien happenings in Roswell. First of all, if you've never been to that town, you're in for a treat! Their Main street is lined with lamp posts whose light fixtures are in the shape of alien heads! Every street (I mean EVERY) has at least one "alien store" where they sell everything from alien postcards and antenna balls to baby aliens in a jar and blow-up alien dolls! And every person in that town looks like an alien. It's freaky, I tell ya! We almost expected to be abducted that night while we slept!

The museum there was kinda cool. J wasn't too thrilled to take a picture with the alien sculptures they had there... I wanted her to pose shaking one of their hands. She wouldn't do it. We also visited the "crash site." If you saw that Steven Spielberg mini-series, Taken, it was sort of like that...except we didn't see any real aliens. That we know of.