Mood: Mentally Drained
Outlook: Hopeful
GPS Coordinates: Still in BFE
Toddler Quote of the Day: "Am I supposed to say 'excuse me' after I fart?"
Given the fact that visiting Grandma's house was sucking the big one, we decided we needed to check out a little earlier than planned. So...instead of leaving BFE on Day 5, we decided to get the fuck outta here on day 4....that's tomorrow.... and it can't come any sooner. I don't even want to recap the events of the day... instead, I'm looking forward to tomorrow around 4pm. This is when the girls and I will arrive in Destin, FL to lounge on the beach for two days. I've got an umbrella and a cocktail calling my name... I can hear it all the way over here in BFE. Move outta my way, fellow driving bitches.... I gotsta get my drink on!
Spring Break 2011 - Day 2
Mood: Exhausted
Outlook: Life Sucks Hairy Ass
GPS Coordinates: BFE
Toddler Quote of the Day: "I talk a lot and I'm smart."
We spent the first part of the day waking up. Literally. The whole changing time zones during daylight savings time has totally fucked us up. We don't know when to fall asleep, and evidently we don't know when to wake up, either. When we finally got our shit together, we hit the road again. I think that's a song. Or it should be.
Just when I was praising her diligence, Maggie (GPS) reverted to her bitchy self. She sent us through the Florida ghetto on an empty tank. Then, she proceeded to tell us that the "arrival time" had passed even though we hadn't reached our destination. Had it not been for the two witnesses in the backseat, I would have strangled that bitch before throwing her out the window.
We finally made it to Grandma's house. Since childhood, that place has mysteriously turned into the Twilight Zone. All the [very tightly] hidden secrets are now all out in the open for everyone to see. They slapped me in the face and sunk their rotten teeth into my skin. It's a sad, sad state of affairs. I can hardly wait to get back on the road.
Outlook: Life Sucks Hairy Ass
GPS Coordinates: BFE
Toddler Quote of the Day: "I talk a lot and I'm smart."
We spent the first part of the day waking up. Literally. The whole changing time zones during daylight savings time has totally fucked us up. We don't know when to fall asleep, and evidently we don't know when to wake up, either. When we finally got our shit together, we hit the road again. I think that's a song. Or it should be.
Just when I was praising her diligence, Maggie (GPS) reverted to her bitchy self. She sent us through the Florida ghetto on an empty tank. Then, she proceeded to tell us that the "arrival time" had passed even though we hadn't reached our destination. Had it not been for the two witnesses in the backseat, I would have strangled that bitch before throwing her out the window.
We finally made it to Grandma's house. Since childhood, that place has mysteriously turned into the Twilight Zone. All the [very tightly] hidden secrets are now all out in the open for everyone to see. They slapped me in the face and sunk their rotten teeth into my skin. It's a sad, sad state of affairs. I can hardly wait to get back on the road.
On a brighter note.... child abuse is running rampant up in here....
Spring Break 2011 - Day 1
Mood: Tired
Outlook: Can't think further than the comfy bed calling my name
GPS Coordinates: 30 degrees N 28'52", 84 degrees W 18'6"
Toddler Quote of the Day: "It wasn't MEEEE that farted, it was my baby doll...she has lots of gas from eating too much sugar!"
Not sure how DRIVING makes a person tired, but I am pooped. My ass has been asleep for hours though, so that heifer is ready to party. Too bad, fat ass.. we're gonna tap out this blog posting then hit the sack.
Today's drive wasn't so bad. We made it 700 miles in 11 hours! The spawns of my loins were soooo good on the ride, too... no fighting, no hair pulling, no pit poking. It was fantabulous. I was even able to wrap my day in a bow with a fruity, adult beverage.
But now, it's time to pass out. Hasta manana....
Outlook: Can't think further than the comfy bed calling my name
GPS Coordinates: 30 degrees N 28'52", 84 degrees W 18'6"
Toddler Quote of the Day: "It wasn't MEEEE that farted, it was my baby doll...she has lots of gas from eating too much sugar!"
Not sure how DRIVING makes a person tired, but I am pooped. My ass has been asleep for hours though, so that heifer is ready to party. Too bad, fat ass.. we're gonna tap out this blog posting then hit the sack.
Today's drive wasn't so bad. We made it 700 miles in 11 hours! The spawns of my loins were soooo good on the ride, too... no fighting, no hair pulling, no pit poking. It was fantabulous. I was even able to wrap my day in a bow with a fruity, adult beverage.
But now, it's time to pass out. Hasta manana....
Spring Break 2011 - Day 0
Mood: Anxious
Outlook: Positive
Outlook: Positive
GPS Coordinates: ?? (home)
Tomorrow, the spawns and I leave for Florida. We're driving there. I'm a little nervous about the 18 hour drive; I've never driven that far on my own before. Lil J wants to load the car up with a bunch of useless crap. J is only concerned with her phone and laptop. Neither of them thought packing a toothbrush was important. Nor did they think they had to actually PACK shit up for the trip. So, here I am doing laundry and making lists so we don't forget anything. It feels kinda weird doing laundry on a Saturday.... it's usually reserved for Sunday. Some people go to church. I do laundry.
Hubber is currently out getting Bubba (car) cleaned up and his oil changed and whatnot. Before he left, he "cleaned the car out"...which entailed gathering up Lil J's crap (and my spare shoes and sweaters) and dumping them in a heap on my kitchen table:
Tomorrow, the spawns and I leave for Florida. We're driving there. I'm a little nervous about the 18 hour drive; I've never driven that far on my own before. Lil J wants to load the car up with a bunch of useless crap. J is only concerned with her phone and laptop. Neither of them thought packing a toothbrush was important. Nor did they think they had to actually PACK shit up for the trip. So, here I am doing laundry and making lists so we don't forget anything. It feels kinda weird doing laundry on a Saturday.... it's usually reserved for Sunday. Some people go to church. I do laundry.
Hubber is currently out getting Bubba (car) cleaned up and his oil changed and whatnot. Before he left, he "cleaned the car out"...which entailed gathering up Lil J's crap (and my spare shoes and sweaters) and dumping them in a heap on my kitchen table:
So, now, not only am I packing, I'm also cleaning house. Muthafucker! I just noticed there's nail polish on the table. WTF was nail polish doing in my car?
Fire, Booze, Cash and other shit that makes the holidays so much fun...
Although I’ve pretty much given up on organized religion, I love the commercialism and spirit of the holidays. Everyone seems to be in better moods, stores have awesome sales and no one really gives a shit if you get any work done while on the clock. It’s my kind of season! Well, except for the two weeks where kids are out of school. That part pretty much sucks ass. But, given the fabulous mood I’ve been in lately, I’m sure the kiddos won’t get me down this year… I’ll just ignore them or banish them to their rooms while I sip on spiked eggnog and watch trash on TV in front of a roaring fire.
It wasn’t that long ago that I was hunkered down in an efficiency apartment behind a barber shop with a rosemary bush for a Christmas tree and a toddler who liked to hide in the kitchen cabinets with the pots and pans. Back then, we lit the gas stove burners for warmth. It’s a wonder we didn’t burn the place down! Times were tough, but times were also simpler. There were no mortgages or car notes or designer clothes or private school tuitions to pay. And back then, we took pleasure in each other’s company and didn’t expect fancy gifts for Christmas.
It’s amazing to realize how much my life has changed in such a short period of time. Is it good? Is it bad? I don’t know. What I do know is that now I have more money for better booze… so that’s a plus!
It wasn’t that long ago that I was hunkered down in an efficiency apartment behind a barber shop with a rosemary bush for a Christmas tree and a toddler who liked to hide in the kitchen cabinets with the pots and pans. Back then, we lit the gas stove burners for warmth. It’s a wonder we didn’t burn the place down! Times were tough, but times were also simpler. There were no mortgages or car notes or designer clothes or private school tuitions to pay. And back then, we took pleasure in each other’s company and didn’t expect fancy gifts for Christmas.
It’s amazing to realize how much my life has changed in such a short period of time. Is it good? Is it bad? I don’t know. What I do know is that now I have more money for better booze… so that’s a plus!
Shit I'm Thankful For...
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day and guess what I'm thankful for? Not having to cook! I got a fee pass this year after suggesting that we all meet at Luby's for dinner. What the fuck is wrong with Luby's? Evidently a lot, because sis was mortified at the thought. So mortified, in fact, that she offered to host the festivities this year! And guess what I was assigned to bring? You'll never guess. 2-liter sodas and dinner rolls. I'm making out like a bandit, y'all! This lovely turn of events has put me in the holiday spirit. I'm even doubling up on the anti-anxiety meds and taking my girls to the parade dowtown in the morning!
I'm also thankful for crossing over the mid-30's hump. Evidently, I have exited postpartum depression and entered my sexual prime. After doing some research on the internets, I discovered that I'm late...supposedly 32 is the magical age for women and sexual peaks. But, when I was 32, my youngest spawn was only a year old and already reeking havoc on my life...the last thing I wanted to do was take a chance on accidently producing another hellion. Even with a successful tubal ligation, I had this nightmare that Freddy Krueger would reach his razor sharp fingers into my vagina and pull out another mini-me with firey red hair and shark teeth. It was enough to make me turn celibate. Or lesbian. Or to yank Hubber's pecker off and flush it down the toilet. Anyway, thank the sweet baby Geezus for prescription meds. That shit has saved my life... and the life of the penis that I married.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day and guess what I'm thankful for? Not having to cook! I got a fee pass this year after suggesting that we all meet at Luby's for dinner. What the fuck is wrong with Luby's? Evidently a lot, because sis was mortified at the thought. So mortified, in fact, that she offered to host the festivities this year! And guess what I was assigned to bring? You'll never guess. 2-liter sodas and dinner rolls. I'm making out like a bandit, y'all! This lovely turn of events has put me in the holiday spirit. I'm even doubling up on the anti-anxiety meds and taking my girls to the parade dowtown in the morning!
I'm also thankful for crossing over the mid-30's hump. Evidently, I have exited postpartum depression and entered my sexual prime. After doing some research on the internets, I discovered that I'm late...supposedly 32 is the magical age for women and sexual peaks. But, when I was 32, my youngest spawn was only a year old and already reeking havoc on my life...the last thing I wanted to do was take a chance on accidently producing another hellion. Even with a successful tubal ligation, I had this nightmare that Freddy Krueger would reach his razor sharp fingers into my vagina and pull out another mini-me with firey red hair and shark teeth. It was enough to make me turn celibate. Or lesbian. Or to yank Hubber's pecker off and flush it down the toilet. Anyway, thank the sweet baby Geezus for prescription meds. That shit has saved my life... and the life of the penis that I married.
Greasin' the Palm...
There was this granny at Hubber's old folk's home who was reading palms at their Halloween party. According to Hubber....she's really a psychic and takes this shit seriously. Well, so do I! So, of course, I had to plop down and give her my hand. I got the worst reading EVER, y'all. Basically, I'm going to die young due to some illness....and if that's not bad enough, no one will really give a shit about me and I'll be all alone on my death bed. She even got all teary-eyed telling me this shit...tracing her old, scrawny fingers along the lines on my hand. "That's all I see," she said, and I wanted to smack her down and stomp on her face with my stilletto heel.
Do free readings always suck? Because they're free? If you pay for one is the news better? If so, why didn't that wench have a tip jar or something?
I should have prefaced this post by telling y'all that all my life I've had a feeling that I would die a horrible, violent death - possibly in a car fire / explosion type thing. So, already, I'm all freaked out about dying. This pyschic granny didn't help matters much. Now I'm totally obsessed with palm reading and witchery and whatnot. So, if I start sending voodoo vibes your way, don't blame me... blame that old granny!
There was this granny at Hubber's old folk's home who was reading palms at their Halloween party. According to Hubber....she's really a psychic and takes this shit seriously. Well, so do I! So, of course, I had to plop down and give her my hand. I got the worst reading EVER, y'all. Basically, I'm going to die young due to some illness....and if that's not bad enough, no one will really give a shit about me and I'll be all alone on my death bed. She even got all teary-eyed telling me this shit...tracing her old, scrawny fingers along the lines on my hand. "That's all I see," she said, and I wanted to smack her down and stomp on her face with my stilletto heel.
Do free readings always suck? Because they're free? If you pay for one is the news better? If so, why didn't that wench have a tip jar or something?
I should have prefaced this post by telling y'all that all my life I've had a feeling that I would die a horrible, violent death - possibly in a car fire / explosion type thing. So, already, I'm all freaked out about dying. This pyschic granny didn't help matters much. Now I'm totally obsessed with palm reading and witchery and whatnot. So, if I start sending voodoo vibes your way, don't blame me... blame that old granny!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)