Wednesday, August 7, 2019

The drain in my bathroom sink is a living nightmare.


I’m not saying it’s literally living. But, I’m also not saying that it’s not. Literally. Living. The jury is still out.  Ya'll tell me this shit does not look like that girl’s black hole drain hole in the remake of “IT” where it’s clogged with hair that comes alive and races out from the hole full of bloody goo and strangles her… to almost DEATH:



Am I right? I am right. Thank you very much. Here's what I'm thinking is going to happen one day if we don't cover that big black hole:



Me: Well. Bad news, Hub. It looks like we’re going to have to rip out our entire bathroom now and start all over from scratch.

Hubber: What are you talking about? All we need to do is update the counter top and…

Me: No, sir. If we don’t demo the entire thing, Pennywise will come slithering outta our drain hole. And, you KNOW how much I hate that fucking clown.

Hubber: You need to quit thinking what happens in movies is real life shit.

Me: First of all, it was in the book. So, there's that. Also, let us not forget that movies are based on real life shit, Hubber! And, it’s not just movies… the fucking Simpsons have predicted the future more times than we can ever count! And, don’t even get me started on La Llorona and Amityville Horror! Oh, and South Park. Do not even forget friggen SOUTH PARK, man!

Hubber: Fine. I can honestly see all the hair coming to life. That's a nightmare I can relate to.  So, I'll give you that much.

Me: So we can bulldoze the bathroom?

Hubber: No. But, you can start throwing your hair in the trashcan instead of washing it down the drain. It amazes me that there is still actual hair on your head. Does it grow 12 inches every night to replenish the 3 pounds that fall out every day?

Me: That's just mean. And, quit changing the subject. Pennywise. Bathroom demo. I'm sure Homer Simpson predicted this shit. That's what I'm here about right now.

I'm not sure if that's around the time he walked away or fell asleep on me.

But, it doesn't matter because I know that shit was working its way around in his brain for the next few days. That's how the transfer of paranoia works, y'all. It has to simmer and ferment in the brain juices for awhile. He has to imagine a hairy bloodbath in his mind every time he goes into the bathroom until it becomes a problem. And, believe me, he visits that room often.

It's not easy for Hubber to admit that my paranoia has taken root in his mind. He is torn between understanding that the paranoia is completely irrational while contemplating the possibility that in some weird other-worldly-dimension (possibly in the "upside-down") shit like this can actually happen.

Also, in the book, Pennywise was a spider. Y'all know I tossed that little nugget in his pipe for smoking. And, we all know how much Hubber fears spiders.

Next thing I know, the black hole looks like this:


And, while it's not exactly the sledgehammering and complete re-do I was looking for, it's probably something I can live with.

For now.





Wednesday, July 31, 2019

My life is like a country song.

No, really. It is. Here’s how it goes:

My oldest spawn left for college. My dog died. I bought a pickup truck. My youngest is a ukulele prodigy. I blew out my favorite flip flops. I shook my groove thang on the Flora-Bama line. We chopped down a dead sycamore tree. My job doesn’t pay enough. It took two years to settle my mother-in-law’s estate and she didn’t own shit except the property we now live on which was falling apart. That being sad…

Hubber is renovating our house. I lost 20 pounds. I can now shoot a 9mm and an AR15. We’ve misplaced the keys to the gun safe twice because we put them in a spot where no one could find them but us. Turned out we’re better hiders than we thought we were. We now have two cats. I gained 20 pounds.

My mom learned tarot and “the good kind” of voodoo. She can also do your numerology… in case you need a life plan. My peach tree died. The high school in my neighborhood looks like a prison, complete with barred windows, barbed wire fencing, and armed guards. My new neighbors blast Spanish reggae music in their backyard every Saturday night. I lost 20 pounds again.

We survived a few mental breakdowns. Stray cats shit in my garden… Hubber is trying to use them for bb-gun target practice now. My sofa is gone so we sit on camp chairs in the living room. I learned how to smoke meat on my new pellet grill. (Smoke meat. That's what she said. Heh.)  I still have no swimming pool and summer is almost over. I bought too many plants to fill empty pots, so now I have to buy more pots, but I’ll probably get too many, so I’ll need to buy more plants. It’s a delicate science I haven’t quite mastered.

I twisted my ankle three different times while sitting. I have started plucking white eyebrow hairs. White.  I won a calla lily plant as a door prize at my first neighborhood civic club meeting… I was so happy I forgot I was there to complain about my neighbors.  I have a self-diagnosed gluten allergy. My sister got married in Vegas and I wasn’t there. My house was haunted, but we cleaned that bitch out.

Hubber falls asleep when I’m talking to him and sometimes while driving – especially if he’s loaded up on carbs. He’s like that guy from that movie who fell asleep in that car that was going over a bridge and he just floated around and didn’t break any bones because he was all relaxed and asleep. WTF was the name of that movie? My boyfriend Robert Downey, Jr. is in it.

Turns out the spaghetti squash I planted is a honey dew melon. The tax man calleth. Twice.

My oldest is a grown-ass woman… but she’s not… but she is… or, maybe not… we’re all still very confused. My parents are falling apart. I tinkle a bit if I laugh too hard… or sneeze… or cough. I tried to quit blessing people when they sneeze, but I kept forgetting to stop, so I just gave in to the madness and resigned myself to my inevitable sainthood. My alcohol threshold is not what it used to be. Alien bugs that won’t die (no matter how hard you smash, zap, or stomp on them) sneak into my house to plot the destruction of mankind.

Put some music to that shit, Blake Shelton!

And, I better get royalties.


Monday, October 2, 2017

Be Careful What You Wish For


Growing up as a mixed-race individual is not easy. In case you didn’t know, I am the product of a Hispanic/White relationship. But, since my mother divorced by bio-dad when I was still a baby and he disappeared from our lives, I was raised in a very heavily Mexican-American household.

I’m sure the half-black-half-white combo comes with its own challenges. And, although I can’t directly relate, I can relate to the identity struggle in general.

Being a very white-looking girl in a Mexican family where everyone else is creamy-coffee-colored was not fun. At a young age, I was nicknamed Güera (roughly translated: pale-pasty-ass-white-girl) which made my whiteness stand out even more among the brown contingency. And, although I wasn't alone because my brother is as friggen white-looking as I am, he was generally accepted by everyone as Hispanic and wasn’t nicknamed anything racist that pointed him out as an outcast with pale skin.

In my younger years, I found myself always trying to be accepted as a Latina.  Sometimes I was accepted, but not always. Sometimes, I just “wasn’t Hispanic enough.” And, on the flip side, I was also never “white enough” when trying to identify with white folks.  Basically, I lived in a sort of cultural identity purgatory.



However, as I matured, it became less important as I built my own self-worth without trying to pigeon hole myself into any individual racial identity.

Wow. That sounded fancier than it actually is. Sometimes I amaze myself at how enlightened I think I am.

Anyway, my point here is that just when I thought I was comfortable in my own skin and that my races don’t define who I am, I met someone who thought I was the Mexican-est person she had ever met.

My mother-in-law. (God rest her soul.)

Except, she wasn't nice about it. Nor, was she ever politically correct. And, she thought Puerto Ricans, Cubans, Hondurans, Guatemalans (etc) were all MEXICANS, too.

Me: Uhm, Mom. You KNOW those are different countries, right? Mexico is a COUNTRY... and so is Honduras. Also, Puerto Ricans are essentially AMERICAN. 
MIL: Who cares! You know what I mean! 
Me: No. No, I do not. 

She had two favorite things she liked to do to torture me. First she liked to collect Spanish "literature" so that she had something "nice" to give me every time she saw me. And, by literature, I mean junk mail, coupons she picked up on a rack at the grocery store, and religious pamphlets left by solicitors. I'd show up for a visit and she'd excuse herself to go grab the "mexican shit" she had collected for me since my last visit.

Me: I don't want any of this shit. 
MIL: But, it's in Spanish. 
Me: Sooo...?  
MIL: So.. don't you buy all these things? My neighbor says all the Mexicans use this seasoning, and the coupon is for $0.50 off! Don't your people like discounts? And, here..what about this...? 
Me: I have never even heard of any of this crap. And, I'm especially NOT going to read this evangelical bullshit!  
MIL: Well, not all Mexicans are Catholic! 
Me: WHAT? What does that even mean!?

And so the conversations would generally go haywire because in her mind all that shit was jumbled up. And, it was probably hard to squeeze all the dumb, racist shit out in an orderly fashion. I get that, I guess. Because, I'm a poster child for going off on tangents.

I think that mostly, I was a fun novelty - like a freak show circus act. She probably loved telling all her old crotchety friends that her son is such a maverick for marrying a Mexican! She probably even had them all collecting those stupid Spanish newspapers for me, too!

But, what did I do when she gave me all that shit to read? I bitched about it, then I gathered it all up and acted like I was going to take it home and read it. Why? Because I was raised to graciously accept stupid ass shit people give me so as not to be rude.

I'd carry that shit all the way home in my car. I'd even walk it into the house before throwing it in the garbage.

Because I'm a decent person that way.

And, although I considered it, I never set in on fire in the sink while chanting voodoo curses. Not even once. I swear.

Me: Hubber, the shit your mom says could get her shot one day. 
Hubber: Yeah, you're probably right. But, what do you do? 
Me: Uhm. YOU could tell her that she's racist and rude! And, that if it were anyone but me, she'da prolly been slapped by now! 
Hubber: She's old. She thinks it's ok to say whatever the hell she wants without repercussions.  
Me: I think you're an enabler. 
Hubber: Word to the wise: Your voodoo shit ain't got nothing on her.

😕

Anyway. I said there were two things she liked to do to torture me and test my patience. The other thing is this: She liked to make me talk to "mexican-looking people" in Spanish for her. EVEN IF THEY SPOKE ENGLISH.

Yeah.

Once, she called me while I was at work.

Me: Hi. What's up?
MIL: You need to talk to this guy.
Me: What guy? 
MIL: The Mexican who does my yard. Tell him I'm not paying him shit unless he puts the yard clippings IN the trash can instead of just leaving them there at the curb. 
Me: Geez. Ok.
Yard Guy: Hello. Yes, I heard her.
Me: You speak English? 
Yard Guy: Yes. I put bag in trash can. No problem. 
Me: Ok, thank you so much. I'm sorry about that. 
Yard Guy: Is ok, ma'am. 
MIL: Did you tell him? 
Me: Uhm, seriously? HE. SPEAKS. ENGLISH. I didn't have to tell him anything. He heard and understood every word you said. 
MIL: I just heard him speaking to you in Mexican! 
Me: WHAT? You mean SPANISH. But, NO. That was English! He just has an accent. 
MIL: Bullshit. I didn't understand a word. 
Me: I gotta go. I'm at work.

Another time she did that was when the City was widening her road. In her professional opinion, the job was taking entirely too long and the Mexicans were to blame. So, she called me up, walked her ass out there in her moo-moo with a cigarette dangling from her mouth... me on the phone in one hand and hell-raising fury in the other!

We were going to tell those Mexicans to hurry up and get her fucking street done or there would be hell to pay because BY GOSH, her daughter-in-law knows the mayor AND she speaks Spanish, mother fuckers!!

All I said when the guy got on the phone was, "Sorry! She's kinda crazy. But the quicker you get the job done, the sooner you get her off your back. That should be incentive enough."

I'm not saying my threat was successful, but they DID wrap that shit up the following week and she gave me all the credit for it. Pretty sure she thought I called the mayor.

So, yeah. She definitely kept things interesting in her own fucked-up way. I'm not gonna lie, I was mad at her most days. But now, I kinda miss her.

I guess the moral of the story is: be careful what you wish for. Turns out, being Mexican is highly overrated. 

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Phone Calls That Don't End in Fiery Deaths

How old do my children have to be for me to actually feel HAPPY to see an unexpected incoming call from them light up my phone? 

Because to date, when I see that it’s one of my spawn ringing in, I have to get my mind right before answering the call. First, I blink 5 times, slowly. I breathe in… I breathe out. I stretch my neck to the left. I stretch my neck to the right.

I consider all the possible reasons the spawn would choose to CALL rather than TEXT (which is the norm).  A phone call gives me no time to devise my reply to whatever ridiculous non-urgent problem she is currently having that can’t be resolved via text.

Then, I close my eyes and tilt my head up to the sky…hoping that powers greater than me will take mercy on my ragged soul and make the fucking phone stop ringing. By this time, it usually does stop. And I pray that they’ll just leave me a message. And, I start to believe that God really does give a shit about me.

Then, the follow-up-call ringing commences. No message. Just more goddamned ringing. 
In the span of 3 seconds, I start to fear the worst.

Maybe my child has been kidnapped by a murderous bandito and is calling from the trunk of a 1985 Ford Ltd with no way to kick the taillights out and wave her hand through the hole to flag down help from concerned passersby! And the 9 and 1 buttons on her phone don't work!

OR… My child was just in a car accident and is trapped inside the car which is only seconds from exploding into smithereens!

OR… There’s an active shooter at the school!

OR… My child has been car jacked and left stranded in the middle of nowhere with wolves (NOT of the Huge Jackman variety) salivating near her while her phone is about to die and this is the last call she will ever make before she’s torn to shreds!

Fire, blood, and gory death flash before my eyes and I start to hyperventilate.

So, frantically, I answer the phone, cursing myself for being such a fucking selfish, crappy excuse for a mother. My child is obviously in mortal danger! What the fuck is wrong with me!?
Me: Hello? Are you ok? 
Tallest Spawn: cry/screaming and blowing out my eardrum: Moooom! Why aren’t you answering your phone? I’m like freaking out over here! 
Me: Uhm! I just answered! What in the world is wrong?! 
Tallest Spawn: sobbing uncontrollably:  My car won’t start! I’m freaking out! Oh my god! What do I do?!  
Me: Really? You’re crying uncontrollably about your car not starting? 
Tallest Spawn: YES! Mom! You don’t understand! I’m like freaking out over here! 
Me: Obviously. Where are you? Are you safe? 
Tallest Spawn: Well, I had to like go to Walgreen’s. So, like I went in to buy stuff, and when I got back in my car, it was fine! So, I drove to the gas station to put gas in it for the week. I put the gas in, but then I like tried to start it, but it like won’t even start or anything! I’ve been trying like for 10 minutes or maybe longer! 
Me: So, you’re safe. Did you call your Dad?
Meanwhile, Hubber is standing in the doorway shaking his head and rolling his eyes and I am motioning for him to grab his fucking phone and deal with this shit! Ya’ll know I don’t deal well with car problems.
Tallest Spawn: hic-crying now: I don’t know if I’m safe, Mom! There’s a sketchy guy here that keeps staring at me! I’m so scared, Mom! Like, what do I do?! Dad won’t answer his phone, either! Why don’t ya’ll ever answer your phones?! 
Me: First of all, calm your tits. If there’s a sketchy guy there, then go into the store. 
Tallest Spawn: And just leave my car here?? 
Me: Yeah! It’s at the damn pump, right?! It ain’t going anywhere if it won’t start! I’ll send your dad over there to help.

So, naturally, Hubber starts asking 21 questions…  did she do this... did she do that… what kind of noise did it make… did she put the right key in the hole… etc. etc. 
Me:
This is the point at which I normally lose my shit. First of all, none of the disturbing near-death scenarios are playing out like my brain told me they would. Second of all, CAR DRAMA. Thirdly, WTF?!

I think Hubber could sense that I was about to grab a knife and stab a mofo if he didn’t quickly get his ass (and every other living being in my vicinity) the fuck out.

While he was gone, I had an adult beverage to calm my nerves. When he got back, I hesitantly listened to how shit went down at the gas station.

Hubber pulled up behind our helpless little spawn’s car at the gas station. She sprinted out from the store to meet him.
Hubber: Where’s the sketchy guy? 
Tallest Spawn: pointing: Over there, Daddy! See him? 
Hubber: The guy changing the bags out of the trash cans?! 
Tallest Spawn: Is that what he’s doing? 
Hubber: YES! He fucking works here! 
Tallest Spawn: Oh. My bad. But, Daddy! He kept like staring at me! 
Hubber: He’s probably wondering why you’re bawling your eyes out over here like a crazy person! 
Tallest Spawn: I’m sorry!!! But, I didn’t know what to do!! 
Hubber: Did you check that you used the right key? Did you check the battery like I showed you? If so, remember that Insurance app I told you to download onto your phone? It has roadside assistance! Why is your first reaction to always freak out and drive your mom to drink?! 
Tallest Spawn:
Hubber: Give me your keys.
Hubber got in the car, put the key in the ignition. And would you know it…the fucking car started right up!
Tallest Spawn: 

 Hubber:

Tallest Spawn: Daddy! I swear it wouldn’t start!!  Why don’t you believe me!? You never believe me! Why do you hate me?! I hate my life!  Why does this stuff always happen to ME?!
Etc. Etc.

My point here is that usually, when the phone RINGS and the call is coming from one of my children, it is usually NOT a fucking emergency. It’s usually some bullshit crap story that makes my right eye twitch, my fists clench, and my brain scream. 9 times out of 10, this is how shit goes down:

For instance, let’s consider this text:


How is THAT “kind of urgent”? C’mon, man! I’m AT WORK. Go talk to the gas station people! Or, call the bank! I don’t fucking know! But I do know that I ain’t gonna be able to solve this urgent issue for you! You are a grown ass woman! 

That being said, though… I do appreciate her decision to give me a heads-up text rather than repeated, frantic, and aneurysm-inducing phone calls where I have no clue what the fuck is happening. I hate going in blind, ya’ll! Momma needs prep time.

Another plus is that she "also just texted dad"! That pretty much means I'm off the hook entirely. 

Have fun, Hubber! 

Friday, August 26, 2016

Pinhead Left the Portal to Hell in Our Attic

When you rent a house and there's a lock on the outside of the attic door, your first instinct should be to leave that shit locked and never think about it or look at it or even acknowledge its existence in any way, shape or form. Period. The attic is automatically off limits. It does not exist if someone went to the trouble of adhering a freaking LOCK to it. No human being has any business going into that mofo. Ever. End of story. Especially if you're a part of my family; we are all magnets for pesky ghosts and other strange phenomenon.

We take hauntings very seriously, y'all. We don't fuck with ouija boards or any sort of witchery. We keep sage growing in the garden. And, we don't do it to spice up our poultry dishes...we do it in case we need to dry it, roll that shit up, and burn it to ward off evil spirits. Also, we have a death shrine (or "alter in memory of the loved ones we have lost" as Hubber likes to correct me because he thinks "death shrine" is morbid....UHM.... HELLO?! It's an alter for dead people! It don't get much more morbid than that!). The shrine exists so that my grandma's soul doesn't get all pissy when she looks down from Heaven and sees me doing nasty things in my bedroom or hear me using God's name in vain, which we know happens all the god-damned time. Because, hello, again?! I have children! And a husband! So, yeah. Lots of reasons to curse up in here.

Heifer's Death Shrine.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, LOCKED attic doors. Here's what ours looks like:

Obviously NOT to be fucked with.


Whoever locked that shit up and didn't remove the lock when the tenants moved in was trying to tell people not to go up there lest they shalt die a painful, conjuring-style death of astronomical proportions. Message received, loud and clear yo.

So, imagine my bone chilling and hair raising fear when we started hearing noises in the fucking attic.

Me: Hubber. Did you fucking hear that?

Hubber: Huh? Uhm, no. I didn't hear shit. Just turn the volume up on the TV.

Me: That was definitely coming from the attic. It sounds like footsteps... and scratching... and other hounds-of-hell craziness!!! We have to move.

Hubber: You're nuts. It's probably just a family of possums...or squirrels...or birds, even. We like birds.

Me: Are you serious right now?! We do not like birds. In fact, we fucking hate birds. We have seen the movie! Alfred Hitchcock movies ain't no joke, man! Those evil, flying hell birds will peck your eyeballs out and suck at your brains until you shit your pants and die! You better board up the god-damned fireplace this very minute!

Hubber: It's nothing. Calm your tits.

Since that mofo was obviously in denial, I grabbed my holy candle (someone remind me to get that thing blessed one day), lit that bitch up, and walked around the house with it...willing all the bad juju out of the house. The noises stopped so it seemed to do the trick. But the silence was short-lived. A few days later, the A/C vent in the master bathroom started blowing out hot air.

HOT AIR, ya'll. Like air from HELL... or AFRICA. The kind of hot air that feels like a firey demon is breathing on you. My point is, it wasn't a natural kind of air to feel in your Houston, TX bathroom at night when your A/C is set at 68 degrees and every other vent in the god-damned house is blowing out cold air.

Hubber: Hmmm. Well, maybe some critter is up there and detached the A/C ductwork that goes to this vent and we're just feeling "attic air" and the cold air we should feel is actually just blowing around haphazardly in the attic.

Me: Who in the hell are you trying to convince here?! Because, that is the dumbest shit I've heard all day. And I went to work today, so you know I endured a LOT of dumb fucking shit.

Hubber: It's a logical explanation.

Me: No. The logical explanation is that the devil and his noisy, scratchy-ass spawn are camping out above our crapper.

Hubber had nothing else to say. He scrambled around for something long enough to close the vent...then he tapped it closed and said, "there." As if that was the end of that.

Then, a few days later, the noises commenced again. Scratching. Tapping. Walking. You can't hide from the devil, ya'll.

Me: I guess you're going to have to go up there and see if there are any "critters". I need the noises to stop. And, I need my cool air flow back in the bathroom. I can't breathe in there! Do you want me to suffocate and die?

Hubber: What? No. I ain't going up there to see a bunch of beady, little possum eyes staring back at me! They might have rabies!

Me: Then call the landlord!

Hubber: But, they'll want me to check up there first.

Me: Well, sounds like quite the conundrum!

Hubber: Also, it's latched closed. I thought you didn't want to open the latch?

Me: I don't. That's why you're going to do it. May the force be with you.

Hubber: If this motherfucking attic is haunted, I blame your sister! If anyone brought a ghost into this house, it's her and her witchy-ass ways! We should make HER check the fucking attic!

Me: Well, call her, then. I don't care who checks the attic...but this shit needs to get fixed! Especially if anyone wants sexy time ever again! And EVER is a long fucking time, man!

Hubber: I hate you.

He was definitely hatin'....but he finally resigned himself to checking things out up there. And guess what he found? Absolutely NOTHING, ya'll. The entire fucking attic is EMPTY. No critters...no sign of critters. No holes in the walls. No weird ductwork damage. Nothing.

Well, almost nothing. This was the only thing sitting up there in the attic all by its lonesome self:



And, all I have to say is: what-the-fucking-fuck?

Is it some sort of spirit catcher? Pandora's box? Pinhead's portal to hell? What?!

And, what do we do with it? Burn in? Sprinkle holy water on it and see if it starts smoking? Dip it in Roger Rabbit Acme Acid? What?!

It's been a few days now and Torture Monkey has been sitting on a shelf in the living room so I can keep an eye on him.  So far, he's behaved himself. I think. And, yes, he is a HE. I'm not blind. I see the coconut bra, skirt, and lipstick. The mofo is in drag, y'all. It's his disguise. But, I'm not buying it.

If one day we all mysteriously disappear, you'll know he did it. I herby bequeath Torture Monkey to the Ed & Lorrain Warren occult museum.

Also, the A/C is still not working in the bathroom.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

5 Perfect Mother's Day Gifts - Part II

In 2012, I wrote about what NOT to buy your mother for Mother's Day. That list is still relevant. Then, in 2013, I wrote about what you SHOULD buy your mother for Mother's Day. That shit is still relevant, too. But, being three years removed from my last thoughts on what Mother's Day gifts are all about, I decided it was time for a sequel post...

PERFECT gifts for your mother on Mother's Day (or any damn day):


1. Laser Hair Removal Gift Certificate
That's right. Screw the No-No As-Seen-on-TV bullshit. Hook a muther up and treat her to the procedure of her dreams! No more mommy beards! No more sasquach arm pits! And, no more herniated discs while trying to shave her nether regions! I mean, do YOU want to be trimming your momma's bush when she ends up an invalid? No. You do not. Unless, of course, your name is Norman Bates and your momma's name is Norma. In which case, you probably do want to shave your momma's bush.



2. Keurig K575
This is the fancy one, ya'll. Not the one-cup, manual operation stuff. Your momma will be able to program the shit out of this coffee maker! All those times she was running too late to make coffee will be ancient history. A caffeinated muther is a happy muther. Remember that. Write it down. Take a picture.




3. Lasik Eye Surgery
Let's face it, folks. Your mom is going blind. She can't see shit. Between contacts and progressive lenses and fucking reading glasses to top it all off, she is one very sad step away from needing a seeing-eye dog.

Wait a minute.

I might have just talked myself out of this one. Seeing-eye dogs are the best invention EVER. Not only are they cute, but you can take them into any building...you can park anywhere... you can rule the goddamned world with a seeing-eye dog. Ok... just wait until she goes blind and get her a fancy dog instead.



4. Booze-of-the-Month Club Subscription
Unless your mom is Baptist or a recovering alcoholic, booze is always a good gift. Just like coffee serves to pep your momma up, booze helps to calm that bitch down. You can't have one without the other. It's screws with the balance of the universe. And, when balance is screwed with, muthers get stabby, y'all. And, stabby means death...and murder...and bloody hell. Nobody wants that.



5. Nice, Thoughtful Thank-You Cards
Be real. Be honest. Thank your mother for all the shit you've put her through. Let's face it, childbirth is a fucking miracle. And, that shit wreaks havoc on a muther's body. It's YOUR fault your mom's boobs sag. It's YOUR fault she pees a little every time she sneezes...or laughs...or coughs. Also, she gives you mental therapy without charging you an hourly rate. And, she taught you important life skills... like how to wipe you own ass. Show some appreciation for all this shit. She may not have eaten her placenta, but she's probably still a badass mom.



Monday, January 18, 2016

Car Maintenance And Other Shit I Don't Do...

Back in the day (pre-marriage), if my car needed attention, all I had to do was visit my parents. I’d park behind my dad’s car, blocking him from leaving the driveway. Chances were good that while I was visiting, Dad would need to go somewhere. He’s always been pretty antsy. I would bet that he visits the convenience store down the street at least 5 times a day…there are always lottery tickets to buy, and cigarettes, and beer, and the occasional Slurpee if a kid happened to be visiting. “Here! Just take my car,” I’d say, tossing my car keys at him when he asked me to let him out of the driveway. My car would be returned with a full tank of gas, completely clean, vacuumed, and spritzed with “new car scent”. Also, if he noticed I was due for an oil change, he’d take care of that, too. And, if I needed an inspection or registration renewed, he’d sift through the glove box for the paperwork and he’d take care of that shit, too.

So, it came as a bit of a shock to me when, after announcing that I was getting married, Dad pulled me aside for a bit of tough love.

Dad: After you get married, I won’t be helping you with your car upkeep anymore.
Me: WHAT?
Dad: You heard me. You think you’re slick asking me to drive your car every time you visit, huh? Well, I’m done with that shit. Your husband can do it now!
Me: Fine. It’s a guy thing anyway, I’m sure he knows what’s up.

Turns out, Hubber did NOT know what’s up. Hubber had no fucking clue what up was. But, in my defense, that mofo was WARNED. Short of having him sign a formal acknowledgement, I relayed his duty very clearly. I considered the warning a binding agreement wherefore by nodding his head when I broke the news to him, he agreed to be in charge of all motorized vehicles throughout the course of our marriage regardless of whether he drove the shit or not. Cars would be his responsibility. Period. End of story.

Without regard to his sacred vows, over the years Hubber has tried tirelessly to get me to learn something about cars. But, I remain resistant to his badgering. It is one of our on-going “fights”.

Hubber: You NEED to learn this shit! One of these days, I’m gonna die and you’ll be left to fend for yourself!
Me: In this hypothetical situation, will you die before or after my dad dies?
Hubber: I’m being serious here.
Me: I don’t think you understand. If you aren’t here to do the car stuff, I’ll find some other man to do it… I have two brothers…an uncle…cousins… nephews and if those mofos are all dead, too, I’ll have to find a Sancho!
Hubber: OR!!! You could learn to be self-sufficient!
Me: Hey, look, buddy… you agreed to this shit BEFORE we got married. It was practically part of your vows! So, just do your thang and let me do my thang! You should be thankful that I usually get my own gas!
Hubber: And, what exactly is your thing?
Me: Well, most importantly, I dispose of spiders.
Hubber: (blank stare)

That usually shuts him up for a bit. Because if there’s one thing Hubber hates more than trying to teach me lessons in automotive technology, it’s spiders.

Unfortunately, the oldest spawn has inherited my total disregard for proper car upkeep. She’s already killed the hand-me-down car she was given less than a year ago. And, that car was a TANK. Literally. But, if anyone could wreck a tank TO IT’S DEATH, it’s my female spawn.

And, Hubber isn’t as easy on her as he is on me about car maintenance. He pushes and pushes AND PUSHES that shit on her…hoping that one tiny ounce of knowledge will seep into her brain and spread like wildfire. Unfortunately, she’s her mother’s daughter and she just ain’t wired that way. And more unfortunate than that, she hasn't got a thing to leverage against his badgering. She is scared to death of spiders. And, she doesn’t cook or clean. And, she sucks at babysitting. Basically, she’s got nothing for tradesies... so she’s screwed.

So, when she killed her car, we decided she didn’t deserve a “good” car… just a “reliable one”; one that we won’t expect to survive more than 2-3 years.

Hubber went out and found an old car with very good mileage and bought it. The passenger window didn’t work and the radio had two modes: OFF and ON+LOUD. (The volume didn’t work…and neither did the cassette player…  and all the stations were a bit static-y.) But, the car had new tires, a great engine and only one previous owner.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

Unless you're the spawn...in which case, no auxiliary input and/or USB drive is like a death sentence.

Car-Killing-Spawn: But, Daddy, how will I listen to my music?!
Hubber: You don’t need to listen to music when your focus should be on driving and not dying!
Car-Killing-Spawn: Daddy! I’ll DIE without my music!
Hubber: Tough shit!
Me: (serious eye roll)
Littlest Spawn: That’s what you get for killing Tank, Sis! How do you think Tank feels right now – all dead and everything?! You don’t deserve music! You're lucky to even have a car!

Two days later…

Hubber: Don’t be mad.
Me: Why would I be mad?
Hubber: I just spent money we don’t have.
Me: Please tell me you bought me a baby platypus…
Hubber: Uhm. No.
Me: ….it better not be that gas-powered margarita blender…
Hubber: …no….
Me: ….or the portable hot tub…!
Hubber: I will be buying that hot tub soon!! But, that’s not what I bought.
Me: a ninja star coat hook?
Hubber: Please just give up already.
Me: Fine. I give up.
Hubber: I bought a new radio for Julie’s hoopty ride.
Me: What!? I thought we were teaching her a lesson!
Hubber: I can’t help it. I like to put smiles on my daughters' faces.

So, there you have it. This is why we will always get away with NOT doing car stuff.

Boom.

Car stuff isn't all I don't do. I also don't do windows... or yard work... or heavy lifting... or any variation of running. This is why I have a husband. I will, however, kill spiders and fetch beer. It's a good thing Hubber loves a nifty beer wench.