Friday, June 5, 2015

5 Unique Father's Day Gifts That Are Sure to Please!

I'm not gonna lie, Father's Day gifts are hard to buy.  Growing up, I never knew what to get my dad. He didn't wear ties like other dads... he didn't drink coffee... he rarely bbq-ed... he didn't play golf... mostly he worked, smoked (a variety of things) and drank.  And, I was too young to purchase booze and whatnot.

But, even now that I am old enough, I prefer not to indulge in his addictions. So, normally, I buy him nuts. He loves nuts.

Don't we all? Heh.

So, if you know a father who is hard to buy for, here are a few unique gift options that are sure to surprise him:

1. Bag of Dicks
www.dicksbymail.com
This bag of gummy penises is a great way to tell your friends, family, loved ones, or enemies to 'EAT A BAG OF DICKS'. It's the perfect gift for that douchebag, deadbeat dad that never even remembers your birthday. What better way to show him how much you care than by having a BAG OF DICKS delivered right to his door? 

2. Jar of NOTHING
Does the dad you're shopping for always say he wants "nothing" when you ask him what he would like for his birthday... christmas... father's day... etc.? Do you end up buying him crap he probably didn't want because you searched high and low for a whole lotta nothing to no avail?!  Well, look no further, my friend. This jar full of absolutely NOTHING will be the best gift EVER... because it's what that mofo asked for!  I say we start giving the people what they want!

3. Bucket of Cleaning Supplies
www.walmart.com
You know how dads are always giving moms appliances for gifts to remind them of their place in the household? Well, it's time to return the favor! What better way to remind the dad in your life that EVERYONE'S cars need cleaning and that he's just the man for the job?! Feel free to throw in a push broom for driveway sweeping and some yard-quality trash bags. Oh, and maybe even a new water hose. Dads can always use a long hose!

4. Light bulbs and batteries
www.walmart.com
Speaking of reminding dads of their place in the world, a basket full of light bulbs and batteries makes the perfect gift! He'll never run out of these household essentials if you keep him well stocked. No more blinding fits of rage when he can't find a 9-volt battery for the smoke detector with its vicious, never-ending beeping.  And, no more stealing lamp bulbs when the closet light burns out. This gift is SURE to be a daddy crowd pleaser!

5. The BULLET nose hair trimmer
www.thebullet.tv
The more hair a man loses on his head, the more hair he grows in his ears and nose.  This is a proven, scientific fact, ya'll. And, often times, the mofo doesn't even realize this because his eye balls are getting old, too. For those dads, we need to do a little nudging. Getting him a nose/ear hair trimmer is the best, most passive aggressive way of letting him now that he's starting to look like a neanderthal.

Also, the website  boasts this magnificent and totally ridiculous claim:


So, if silent grooming tools and referrals from elite military forces are selling points that float your boat, this gift is for you!

Here's what I want to know... who are these elite military forces?  Are they from the middle east? Have they been surveyed? And, WTF does this scary gun have to do with grooming unsightly nose hairs?  I'm both confused and intrigued. Small, efficient, maintenance free AND silent? Sounds like the perfect B.O.B. to me! I wonder if it vibrates? Hmmmm.

Ok... I digressed, as per usual.

So, that's it folks, the TOP 5 Unique Father's Day Gifts for that special dad in YOUR life!  You're welcome.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Spanx, Non-bras, and Other Shit I Refuse to Shop for with Spawn...

Before I had kids, I loved to go shopping.  Shop, shop, shop! I could shop till I dropped!  But, now, nearly 19 years into motherhood, I have learned to completely and thoroughly LOATHE shopping. Very rarely is shopping all about me...and when it is, I'm riddled with guilt because I'm buying MYSELF something when I could be spending money on spawns.

What the hell happened to me?!  I used to be a blissfully happy, self involved shopper!  Kids schmids! Even the first few years of motherhood weren't so bad. Although, I'm not exactly sure when the turning point...well... turned... I'm betting it was around the time the oldest spawn moved into the dreaded tween years.

That's also when I decided that I hate middle-schoolers. But that's a rant for another day.

The prospect of shopping now is accompanied with blistery hives, dry mouth, cold sweats, irritable bowels, and lots and lots of cursing. The cursing is especially pronounced while shopping with the oldest spawn who is now an "adult". Kinda.

During prom season, I had to add "all undergarments" to the freakishly long list of shit I refuse to shop for with her. I made this addition to the list in my head when we were sifting through Spanx and shit at Kohl's. She found it prudent to try on 538 vajillion different fucking styles of "body shapers" and "bras that aren't really bras, Mom!"

Oldest Spawn: (in fucking tears, ya'll!) This one makes me look soooo fat...!

Me: are you fucking kidding me right now!? You want to see FAT?  Huh?! Here, LOOK! This is FAT! (throwing up my shirt and grabbing handfulls of REAL fat) 

Oldest Spawn: Moooooom!  Stop it!

Me: YOU stop it!  I just made up my mind. I'm not buying you any Spanx.  And no fucking "bra that isn't really a bra".  What the fuck does that even mean?!

Oldest Spawn: It's just the cup thingy, Mom!  With no straps! To lift my boobs!

Me: the stick-on things?

Oldest Spawn: I don't know how they stay on! I've never seen them but I know they exist!

Me: That's it. You're going commando from the waist up.

Then, we left the store, empty handed and utterly pissed off at each other. I already suffer from people-itis. So, putting me in a crowded store with the most majestic queen of drama is just asking for trouble.

And THAT, my friends, is when I added "all undergarments" to the list of shit I won't go with her to buy.

The list started with shoes when she was 12ish. It goes something like this:

  1. tennis shoes
  2. groceries
  3. jeans
  4. flats and sandals
  5. boots (this is when, after visiting 15 stores and STILL not finding the perfect back-to-school shoes, Hubber officially became in charge of all spawn feet coverings)
  6. dresses
  7. deodorant
  8. shampoo/conditioner
  9. jewelry
  10. winter coats (this is when, in one of my blinding fits of rage while shopping for a trip to Colorado, Hubber officially became in charge of coats, jackets, and other essential outerwear)
  11. make-up
  12. gifts for friends
  13. scarves
  14. panties/bras
  15. leggings
  16. tops
  17. nail polish (don't ask)
  18. all clothing
  19. all undergarments
Basically, we now put money in her bank account and just send her on her way. She has ruined my zest for shopping forever. 

She'll make some unsuspecting and naive man very happy some day. I just hope he's rich.