Adventures During J's First Week of Winter Break

Since J's out of school for more than two weeks, this month, the plan was that she'd spend the first week with Momo (my mom). The day before her trip there, we got an email from J's teacher saying that she was chosen as the lucky kid with the great fortune of taking the class pet home for the holidays! YAY! So, off I go to school to pick up Crush, the turtle. I'm expecting a little, tiny turtle in a cute little hand held carrier type thingy full of leaves and rocks. I was wrong to expect such things. As it turns out, Crush is not tiny and Crush does not live in a cute tiny home. Crush is a medium-sized box turtle (about 8 inches long or so) and lives in a 3 foot AQUARIUM. Uh huh. Not so simple. So, anyway, I go pick Crush up, right? And I stare at the science teacher as she's spouting out instructions and rules and a bunch of other important mumbo-jumbo while in my mind, I'm thinking, "What the hell have we gotten ourselves into?!" There's heating pads to be left on and lights to be on and off and water to be de-clorinated and food to be sprinkled...and something about apples are good and plain iceburg lettuce is not. And probably other important crap I can't remember anymore. Plus, the turtle came with a book. To read. Over the holidays. About turtles. What?! So, we go home and set the turtle up on J's desk. And J starts going on and on about 78 degrees and sunshine and other such nonsense about turtles. And I'm thinking, "how the hell can you remember all these facts and instructions when you can't remember to wipe your own ass?!" I didn't say it out loud, though - didn't want to discourage her from learning about...turtles. Ugh. Anyway...

At this precise time in our world, Rosie, the hell cat, was waiting at the vet's for us to pick her up after being declawed. Finally! So, I drop J at Momo's. Then I pick Rosie up. I'll have to remember to post a picture here of how she looked all bandaged up! She was a puss in boots! Cuuuuutie Pie!! Anyway, Rosie had miraculously turned into the cutest, sweetest, most nicest kitty in all the whole world! Seriously, ya'll! Hu and I couldn't bebberlieve it. She was a whole new And we loved her more than life.

Cats and turtles were living in perfect harmony until Monday, the day Rosie's bandages came off. The hell cat was back! The moment hubber opened her cage, she sprang out, over the kitchen counter, through the window into the dining room, behind the sofa, under the christmas tree and finally under J's bed. Jesus. Then Huber notices little red paw prints everywhere. Hmmmm. What could that mean? So, he picks Rosie up to inspect her. The little heffer had busted several stitches!! So, he put her back in her cage. And that's where she stayed until I got home - an hour later. I'm like, "Hubber, what's Rosie doing in her cage with a bloody towel??" Then he proceeds to explain what happened and how he called the vet and they said he could bandage her back up himself if he wanted. Uhm. I don't think so. So we took her back. And had the vet people bandage her back up. And guess what, people? She became a little angel again. So, now we're thinking how nifty it would be just to leave her bandaged for the REST OF HER DAMN LIFE. What could possibly be wrong with that?! There was one other dramatic event that involved a bandaged cat paw covered with stinky, mushy cat shit. But, I won't go there now. That's one image I would like to forever erase from my memory.

On a lighter note: Every day while J's been gone, she's been leaving really cute messages on the answering machine at home. "Hi Mom. Hi Dad. It's me, J (as if we didn't know). I'm having fun at Momo's. I have so much to tell ya'll! Today I ate CRAB for the first time, ever! It was really good! And there's something else I wanted to tell ya'll....(long pause)hmmm...I forgot. Anyway, I love you, I miss you, Bye!" BEEEEEP.... "Hi Mom. Hi Dad. It's me, J (CUUUUTE!!!). I'm still at Momo's. Popo just came back from the store. He found a wet dollar in the parking lot and said I could have it. He also said he didn't want it because someone probably spit and pee-ed all over it. Momo says he's lying. Ok. I love ya'll. Bye!" BEEEEEP.... "Hi Mom. Hi Dad. It's me, J. Why haven't ya'll called me back? Ok. That's all. Bye!"

So, now it's Thursday. Cat is still bandaged. Turtle is still alive. And Julie comes back home today! It's been interesting. The End.

So, this year, Hubber and I decided to start a new family tradition. Seeing the Nutcracker ballet. Since we don't have enough crap going on during the holidays, we figured, what the hell, let's throw in 3 $60 seats to support the Houston Ballet. We have some extra cash...and we're high-roller-wannabes, so it was the perfect plan! That is, the perfect plan that turned into 2 hours of hellish torture. It wasn't the performance that nearly drove us to a murderous rage. It wasn't the children, laughing, talking, crying, running around, bumping our seats, either. It was the lady sitting directly behind us. She hummed every fucking song...loudly and OFF KEY! We didn't blow nearly $200 on tickets to hear this beyotch ruin christmas, we spent money to listen to the orchestra and watch a goshdarned BALLET! It took every ounce of patience I could muster not to turn around and smack the shit out of that lady. What the hell was she trying to prove, anyway? Did she want us all to know that she KNEW those tunes? EVERYBODY knows those damn tunes - they've been pounded in our heads every holiday season since we were babies! I hate that lady. I hate her for ruining our first annual trip to the Nutcracker. I hate her for being the one clear memory I'll ever have of that event. But I hate her even more because now every time I hear a Nutcracker song, I'll think of HER! She was ugly, too. I think she even stunk. Like shit. Baking in the hot, hot sun.
The Devil's Spawn.

J got a new kitten (Rosie – a gray tabby) for her birthday last month. Before you die of utter sadness at the loss of our beloved Kali-cat, DON’T. She hasn’t been replaced. She’s still with us – in all her declawed gorgeousness! Rosie, on the other hand, is a 4 month old cat with more claws that friggen Moofasa. Seriously. That cat can rip you to shreds in 2 seconds flat. Sis is the one who bought the little she-devil. And she proooooomised that Rosie was nothin’ but a little lovey – all purrs and rubs and cute meows. And she WAS. At first. It lasted a total of 48 hours. Then, the little, cute puuuuuurfect kitty turned into hell cat. Sometimes she’s a sweetie pie…other times, she’s terrorizing Kali…clawing that beeeyotch up! She spies….she creeps…she POUNCES on the poor, unsuspecting DECLAWED Kali. At first, Kali would fight back, thinking, “I’m bigger than this little shrimp…I’ll show HER who’s boss!” But it didn’t take long for Rosie to realize that Kali was defenseless against her sharp, wolverine claws! They bounce around the house, jump on the furniture…Rosie on Kali’s damn tail the whole time. There’s nowhere to hide! Poor Kali. We’ve since resorted to squirting Rosie with water when she won’t listen. Cats + Water = Peace and Quiet.

We can’t get her declawed until she’s at least 6 months old. That’ll be Kali’s pay-back time! Uh huh! The little scrawny cat shall pay!

Oh, but get this…when we’re not home, the two sworn enemies roll up together in a little furry ball and sleep. Go figure. And, David’s figured out a way to calm Rosie down. First he holds her up high around her middle, legs dangling, and he sings “It’s the ciiiircle of liiiiife…and it moves us all…” While J and I laugh hysterically. Then, he squeezes her to his chest until her eyes pop out of her head and she meows and moans and prays for her life. I’m like, “Hubber, she’s going to tear your ass up with her claws!” But he’s all brave and muscular and manly taming the 2-pound-beast. We’re so proud. After a few minutes in the death grip, watching her super short life flash before her glazed eyes, Rosie is her cute, lovey little self. At least until she sees Kali…that’s when the tiger instincts kick back in and no living creature is safe!

Kali-cat-chicken-rat Posted by Hello

HELL CAT!!! Posted by Hello

*KISS* Posted by Hello

Cuuuute kitties! Posted by Hello
FALL is here!

Well, Summer is over and we’re officially in Fall. As J and I stepped outside this morning we were welcomed by a nice, cool breeze and low humidity. It was wonderful. And J is so smart and perceptive…she said… “Wow! Today really IS the first day of Fall. See how cool it is outside?!” The joke’s on her, though, because tomorrow, we’re supposed to be up in the mid 90’s again.

...I almost forgot to mention J's birthday party...

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The girly-girls! Posted by Hello
School started.

We’re back to the usual hustle and bustle that is our lives. I’m awake at 5:30 a.m. and I’m in bed at 9:30 p.m. Routines are supposed to be good for kids – but our kid hates it. She’d rather watch TV than do homework. She’d rather watch TV than have dinner. She’d rather watch TV than take a shower. Those damn TV shows are hypnotic, I think….they reel the kids in and they turn them against their parents. After one 30-minute show, those cute, adorable, loveable kids suddenly become rude, whiny, deaf, evil little brats. I don’t get it. Maybe the music they play in the background is one of those satanic, backwards-playing, Beatles albums? Maybe the commercials are filled with some secret code language that only kids can hear – like those dog whistle things? Our children are being brainwashed right under our noses! We might think the cute cereal commercial is harmless – but when we hear “I’m coo-coo for cocoa puffs…” our kids are really hearing, “Ignore your parents. Whining is good – it’ll get you anything your heart desires. Writing on walls is good. Homework is bad. Homework is the devil!”

...these boots are made for walkin'... Posted by Hello
Summer Lovin' Happened So Fast!

We had a great Summer. Disney World was a lot of fun! Hot. But fun. Exhausting. But fun. We walked and walked and walked until our feet threatened to fall off of our legs, shrivel up and die. But we loved every agonizing minute of it! J took TONS of pictures with characters…we had breakfast with Winnie the Pooh…we swam in the Fantasia swimming pool…we screamed our heads off on scary rides…we pigged out on junk food….and we bought more crap than any one family deserves to have in a lifetime of trips to Disney World! It was a crazy, expensive, amazing experience.

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One of my favorite things about our family vacations is the road trip itself. Talk about family bonding! This year we had a DVD player on both trips, which (although it was highly entertaining) took away from some of the usual deep, witty banter the three of us enjoy so much. I’m amazed at how J’s little brain works sometimes and how witty and sharp she is. She’s a little sponge, soaking it all up and squeezing it back out appropriately. Sitting in the car with J and hubber, I realize how truly happy I am – how content my life is. I’m free of worries and conflict. I’m enjoying life with a family I cherish more than anything. I’m so thankful…I’m so grateful…I’m so fortunate.

Last weekend we celebrated our second anniversary as a family. We stayed at the Boardwalk Inn in Kemah. Unlike Disney World, Kemah is relaxing.

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We spent a couple of hours, sitting under an umbrella, sipping on fabulously sweet, alcohol-loaded concoctions while taking pictures of Julie playing in the dancing water fountains.

We had nice dinner and we played in the amusement park before settling in for the night.

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The next morning we drove to Galveston and played on the beach. Galveston beaches are nothing to brag about, believe me, but just sharing a carefree afternoon with my two most favorite people in the world made me feel like I was in Hawaii.

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4th of July

I almost forgot to write a little about our 4th of July excursion! If you live in Houston, the place to be on Independence Day is downtown at the Elenor Tinsley park. There's a huge festival there - with live music, great food, and tons of freaky weirdos (Hang on to your kids!). Obviously, we stayed home most of the day. But, true to our family tradition, we ventured out into the world around 7:00 p.m. in search of a fun place to view fireworks. Here's how cute we looked:

Our happy little family...waiting for the fireworks on the 4th of July! Posted by Hello

...Unfortunately, people got wise to our secret spot (in the parking lot of the Houston Police Federal Credit Union) and closed it off. Where to go... Where to go?? Why, to pee-pee of course! It doesn't matter where we're going or how long we're gone, J ALWAYS has to go to the restroom when we're in the car. Unless she's watching a DVD, of course - in which case, her bladder goes into hibernation or something. Anyway, we found a restroom then continued our search for the perfect spot for watching fireworks. Finally, we found this place:

Oink Oink! I felt right at home! Posted by Hello

Sis and friend joined us at the Pig Stand for tailgating & fireworks! Posted by Hello

Don't worry - our view of the fireworks was NOT obstructed by this gorgeous sign! Posted by Hello

What the heck do they put in the drinks at Starbucks? I’m beginning to wonder if there’s some underhanded, illegal activities going on there. I’m not a dope head and have no idea what it’s like to be addicted to crack – but if it’s anything like the addiction I have to the toffee nut latte, iced caramel machiato and the caramel frappuccino then those crack heads have a serious problem! And I know that it’s not just me this epidemic is affecting because J is hooked on those damn non-coffee frappuccinos! The vanilla bean frappuccino to be precise. The kid starts salivating every time we pass a Starbucks coffee house or when she gets a glimpse of one of their billboards. She’s like Homer Simpson, “mmmmmm, starbucks!” She turns into a zombie. Nothing can snap her out of it! She yearns for the sweet vanilla cream…she craves the fluffy whipped cream doused in… CRACK! When I tell her we’ll stop there on Friday, she counts down the days! “3 more days till starbucks!” This is not normal, I tell ya! I’ve even found myself hoarding dollars for the stuff (instead of using my debit card) so that hubber won’t know how often I go! But now, I think he’s on to me. I’m a crackuccino addict.

J - going looney - maybe all those crackuccinos finally caught up with her! Posted by Hello

Boardwalk Beast

Last weekend we went to the Saltgrass Steakhouse at the Kemah Boardwalk to celebrate my sister's birthday. Her birthday isn’t really until July 23rd, but we’ll be living it up in Disney World that day, so we figured we’d hook up before hand. Sis had the brilliant idea that riding this thing would be fun. According to her, you get a little wet – like walking through the rain for a few minutes. Apparently, my cute little sister is a lying sack of crap! We got DRENCHED. It was like someone was standing over us, pounding us with 50 kajillion gallon buckets of stinky salt water. And it didn’t trickle cutely over us. It GUSHED. It was a good thing I didn’t wear a white t-shirt! We walked off of that boat as if they’d just rescued us from the middle of the ocean and didn’t have the common decency to offer us a towel. And, as if that weren’t FUN enough…we got caught in the STORM OF THE CENTURY. The sky opened up, and in 10 minutes, that place was covered in 5 inches of water! And it wouldn’t stop – until, of course, we finally reached our car. By that time, it was bright and sunny with not a cloud in the goddamned sky. J thought it was the “funnest day EVER!” She wants to do it all again next month when we stay here for our anniversary.

This was before we got DRENCHED! Posted by Hello

The ride we never got to ride! Posted by Hello
Another Trip...

In approximately 8 days, we'll be on the road again. Destination: Walt Disney World, Orlando, Florida! Doesn't it seem like just yesterday we were getting back from Colorado? The only problem I have with all these trips (and it's a GREAT problem to have) is that I can't keep up with my scrapbooking. Last night I finally finished our 2002 Road Trip to Colorado book. That's no type-o. 2002. I'm two years behind! And I haven't even touched the small events that have happened along the way - like birthdays and christmases and memorable holidays, etc. How do those OTHER moms keep up? Damn the super moms. Damn them to hell!

Now- about our trip. We've got plans! We've dissected books and watched videos and we know exactly what to expect and which parks we're going to. And which rides at each park we want to ride. And which shows at each park we don't want to miss. We even went to the Disney store in town to load up on cheap gear! This is the readiest we've ever been for a trip, I think! Yes, we're dorks.

The anticipation of this vacation makes all the regular daily crap I deal with before leaving seem so insignificant. Missed a deadline? Who cares! I'm going to Disney World! Article pictures suck smelly ass? Who gives a crap! I'm going to DISNEY WORLD! Have to sit through a long, boring conference call where normally it's all I could do not to pound my head in with a hammer? No problem! Surf the net - during the call - I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD! Dangit! Everyone else can eat my dust!

The only bad thing is that I have to go back work eventually. So, maybe I should make sure I leave a clean slate before I go to Disney World. Maybe. MAYBE NOT!
Diaper Drama...

On our way to the grocery store a few weeks ago, we saw a rolled up diaper on the sidewalk about 2 blocks from home. I remember commenting at how raunchy it was for someone to have tossed a diaper there. I remember Hubber saying maybe it FELL out of someone's stroller as they were strolling along. I remember J saying maybe it BLEW out of someone's trash can. I DISTINCTLY remember all this happening A FEW WEEKS AGO.

Yesterday, on our way to the grocery store again, guess what we saw on the sidewalk about 2 blocks from home? Yep. There it was. In all is bloated glory. It had expanded to triple the size it was a few weeks ago because of all the rain we had gotten. But, there was no mistaking it - it was the SAME diaper. In the same spot. Now you're thinking we live in the ghetto and dirty diapers on the sidewalk are to be expected in the GHETTO. The thing is - we don't live in the damn ghetto. We live in a very upscale neighborhood. And the house that is directly connected to the diapered sidewalk is worth probably $900,000. So, you'd think that after a FEW WEEKS, the owners of said house would have disposed of the bloated diaper by now. You would think. But noooooo. There it fell and there it stayed.

Maybe the home owners thought the diaper owner would come back to claim his or her property? The thing is - there's a gutter about 3 feet from the damn thing. Why not kick it to the curb and down the gutter. Hubber said - maybe someone did, but the rain flooded out the gutter and the diaper came floating out and back to the same spot. So, why not pay the yard man to pick the damn thing up and throw it in the garbage. Hubber said - maybe the yard guy did, but he forgot to put the lid on the trash can, and when it rained, the trash can filled with water and the diaper floated out - and over the last week or so, drifted back to the same place. So, what happened to the rest of the trash in the trash can? Didn't it float out, too? Hubber said - yes, but it drifted down the curb into the gutter. The diaper was too heavy, at that point, to drift any farther.

So, why not take it and toss it into the bayou? Hubber asked - obviously no one wants to pick it up...why would anyone carry it all the way to the bayou 5 blocks away? Then I said - they could hit it with a stick. Yeah. They could hit it with a stick all the way down to the bayou. We ALL know the bayou didn't exceed its banks. So, there wouldn't have been any floating or drifting OUT of the bayou.

This solution made sense. And Hubber finally agreed with me. What better way to dispose of a diaper on a sidewalk than to hit it with a stick all the way to the bayou? That's what ANY sane person would do.

Then J said - what if the diaper explodes when you hit it?
Lonely Shoe

From now on, when watching the news or reading the newspaper, please play close attention to stories about pedestrians getting hit by a car. You'll notice that in EVERY - SINGLE - CASE, the person hit has lost one shoe.

This just in - small toddler killed in a hit and run accident...

Then the camera zooms in on that poor kid's shoe. One shoe.

78 year old woman walking to church is hit by a car....

Again the zoom to the shoe. One goddamned shoe.

Has any scientific research been done that proves when a person is hit by a car, they fall right out of their shoes? Even if the shoe laces are tied so tight that there's no way the shoe could fly off? What the hell is going on?'s actually happening when the paramedics arrive on the scene. THEY take the victim's shoe off to check circulation to the extremities? If so, why not pack the damn shoe up in the ambulance? Why leave it in the middle of the road? Or....or...maybe the sudden impact of being struck by a vehicle causes feet to shrink. Ahem. A FOOT to shrink. The left one. Because it's on the same side as your heart.

Just think - every time you see a shoe laying on the side of the road, it's a pretty good indication that a person was struck by a car in that very spot.


Speaking of weirdos... many news stories does one person have to see before they realize that leaving children in vehicles could be deadly? Huh?! Are we that fucking stupid? I live in Houston where it's 90 degrees on Christmas day! YOU DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN IN A CAR. THEY WILL DIE. THEY CAN DIE IN JUST 5 MINUTES. YOU STUPID ASSHOLE. I'm not kidding when I say this - last summer, there were at least 2 or 3 deaths each month. On the news, we got to see stupid, idiotic mothers crying saying they just ran back into the house to grab something... or they had to run into the store in a hurry and didn't want to have to unstrap the baby and drag it inside. IT'S YOUR FUCKING KID! There have even been instances of people leaving the car running with the baby inside while they went into a convenient store and wondered why ANYONE would want to drive off with their baby! IDIOTS! Just a couple of weeks ago, a mother claimed her 2-year-old child woke up in the middle of the night, went out the front door and into the car where it suffocated and died. WHAT THE HELL?! That's the stupidest, most unlikely thing I've ever heard! They forgot the kid in the car overnight! How do you FORGET you have a child? HOW? I mean - if I don't see or hear my daughter for longer than 2 or 3 minutes, you better believe I'm going to look for that little heffer and make sure she's not breaking something or writing on walls or whatever it is she likes to do to drive me crazy.

Ok, I'm done for now.
The Simple Mind

I'm almost a little ashamed to admit this - but I'm hoplessly addicted to The Simple Life and Newlyweds. What the heck is wrong with me?! Paris & Nicole are trampy versions of Jessica. And I love all three of those heffers! They're funny as shit!

Maybe my issue is that I'd secretly like to be gorgeous, rich, superficial and dumb as a gnat. I wonder what my life would be like if I had been born the daughter of a billionaire. I definitely wouldn't be plastered in front of this thing typing my heart out, that's for darn sure! I'd probably be out SHOPPING. For $76.8 kajillion shoes. With matching bags. And strappy, clingy see-through dresses. With no bra. Or panties. Wearing blue eyeshadow. And hot pink high heeled flip flops (which I hate, by the way).

For Father's Day we got Hubber a TiVo. Let me just say - that thing is the best invention EVER. I mean seriously. In the olden days, I had to "hold it" until a commercial when I got the urge to pee. Now? I just pause that sucker. Yep. Pause. Live TV. Whoda thunk?!


I just re-read my last entry where I was acting as the friggen infomercial for the 8-minutes in the morning crap. To know me is to know that that diet lasted all of 2 weeks. Those skinny people in that book suck. And speaking of suckage. Yesterday on Oprah (which I have a TiVo Season Pass for) there was this lady who weighed 350 pounds and had gastric bypass surgery and now weighs 125 or something ungodly like that. Her boobs drooped all the way down to her crotch before having an extreme make-over. I'm not sure why suckage reminded me of that lady. Maybe I was really remembering the guy who had lyposuction. Ewww. Fat shlurping through a clear tube is nasty. I'd rather leave it in my body where it doesn't make me puke to look at it. It's time to face the facts and come to terms with the realization that I'm just meant to be overweight. Big, beautiful women ARE IN. 'nuff said.


I'm in the market for a new vehicle and I can't make my mind up. I like everything. I like nothing. Will my precious Peanut hate me when I trade her in? Will she curse my new car? Will her new owner be as caring as me? Will her new owner be a smoker and give her cancer? Or will she sit in a used car lot for years just rotting away and wondering why her mommy left her? What the hell is wrong with me?! The Peanut is a CAR. A CAR. Not a person. Not a cat or a dog or even a hippo. But A CAR! Any other sane woman would be thrilled at the prospect of having a new vehicle! No other sane woman would be worrying about hurting the feelings of her old car. I need to get a grip! Breathe in. Breathe out.
Life keeps going...and going...and going...

Ok, so where the hey have I been, you ask? Mostly just being busy out of my friggen mind. That's where. My last post was March 2. It is now April 22 (duh). You know how usually time seems to go by really fast? Well, Spring Break was only a little over a month ago, but it seems like it's been 89 kajillion years since I was in Colorado, soaking it up in a jacuzzi without a care in the world. It's been meeting after meeting after conference call after luncheon after gosh darn meeting at work lately. And at home. It's been J's school stuff...Hubber's coughing...My cooking, cleaning, barking orders... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! And now, my grandma pulls her guilt trip crap about how she NEVER sees us...and that she hardly recognizes J anymore. Damnit woman, I barely have time to watch my Y&R every night and catch Survior and Friends on Thursdays...and you want me to find time to visit YOU every week?! She's nuts.

It would be nice to be one of those X-Men characters that can stop time, wouldn't it? Oh, the things I would do! How funny would it be to go around and pull everyone's pants down? Then, QUICK! Turn time back on! Hillarious! I can just imagine everyone so perplexed... why are my pants around my knees...wait a minute... why are YOUR pants around YOUR knees??? Ha! hahaha!

Speaking of booties... J has a new obsession with the word "ass." Since an ass is a donkey, then why isn't the word "grass," grdonkey? and "glass," gldonkey?" That's some funny shit, huh? My child is a genius. She'll be the next Nobel Prize winner! The next Einstein! I'll be rich! SHOW ME THE MONEY!!

Seriously, though. I've been super busy lately. I did read that book, "8-Minutes in the Morning for Real Shapes & Real Sizes." All the cheese-ball-ish pictures of Jorge were really hokey and drove me nuts half the time, but there was a pretty good message there. It's all about eating smaller portions and making sure you're getting vegetables and fruits into your diet along with essential vitamins/minerals, etc. I know, it's the same crap that's been pounded into our head since FOREVER, but Jorge just makes it seem so easy. PLUS - you only have to exercise for 8 minutes everyday. And you do it in the morning right after you wake up. EASY! Piece of friggen cake! uhm. errr... did I just say cake? I meant... sugar free jello! I start Monday. I've contimplated pigging out before then to try to get it out of my system. But, I decided against it. I'm actually trying to eat sensibly BEFORE I even start dieting! I see a whole new future for me!
Ok, I'm back from Colorado and I've finally gotten caught up with work, so I have a little time to blog. It's been a crazy week. It was like the entire universe had it in for me. I even got paranoid a few times, thinking maybe someone had me on Candid Camera! But today is surprisingly quiet. My boss said he was going to give me a happy birthday by not talking to me about work all day. Woo Hoo! So far, he's stuck to his word...but then, he's been in meetings most of the morning anyway. Either way, it's been nice so far. Tonight my family is meeting at the Aquarium downtown for dinner. I was supposed to have a birthday lunch, too, with a few girlfriends, but we're postponing that until tomorrow. So, I'm flying solo for lunch today, it seems. Poor me. :-)

So, anyway - on to my vacation. It was really nice to be able to get away for a little bit. We didn't get snowed on while we were there, but we drove up to the mountains twice to play in the snow. The snowman we built was little, scrawny and pathetic, but he was cute. We stayed in an awesome cabin while we were in Estes Park near Rocky Mountains National Park. It's so neat around there, deer and elk just hanging out in the streets and in people's yards.

The one thing I learned NOT to do in Colorado is eat at Mexican restaurants. We went to this place called The Grumpy Gringo. I picked it because I loved the name, of course. It sucked ass. Hubber's sister liked it okay - but she's a gringa herself, so she doesn't count. Hubber's been around my peeps long enough to be considered "one of us" - and he didn't like it much either. Or at least he said he didn't when I gave him the "I think this stuff is nasty as shit" look.

While in Estes Park, we did manage to drive by the Stanley Hotel. But our ghost tour was cancelled so we didn't get to do the fun stuff. It's a really gorgeous place. I was kinda disappointed that we didn't get to see any ghosts. Oh well, maybe you have to actually STAY there to get that little treat.

We also drove up to Pikes Peak which was pretty damn cool. We didn't speed up the damn thing, though, like they do in those 18-wheeler races we heard about.

Do you watch South Park? Assuming that you do, remember that episode where Cartman wants to have his birthday party at Casa Bonita and one of the kids he didn't invite wanted to go really bad and Cartman kept bragging about it? Ok, well, we went there. It's kinda like Ponchos, only better, with entertainment and such. The food sucked ass, of course, but we had a fun time watching the cliff divers, magic shows and playing games. J thought it was the best restaurant EVER. She would be wrong.

We also went here and here. Those places were awesome...except we did them both on the same day and when I woke up the next morning, I could barely walk. The Cave of the Winds is supposed to have some haunted caverns...but again, no ghosts were hanging out to scare the crap out of us. I guess it was just our luck. When you're looking for a ghost, there's never one to be found.

Ok, well that's pretty much the skinny on my Spring Break vacation. Stay tuned in July when I go to Disney World!
That was the strangest concert ever. I guess I just can't relate to those Enrique Iglesias fans. They dance around between the aisles...they sway their arms to and fro...they cry and scream and drive me absolutely nuts. And if that isn't bad enough, Enrique is such a sissy-girl-whiner, eh? And where's the damn mole?! That was going to be the highlight of our night! Mole. Moley, Moley, Mole! GuacaMOLe. You know, the whole Goldmember thing. That movie is funny as shit.

If that concert had lasted any longer than it did, I probably would have shot myself dead. But it was free...and we were at the I shouldn't be complaining - we had turkey legs, margaritas, sausage on a stick, funnel cake, fried twinkies (I think they had crack in them) and french fries. Enrique who?!

I think we had more fun people-watching than anything else. Tight pants, bellies hanging out, weird hats, big hair, cowboy boots... Fun Fun Fun! It was like Halloween - except funnier!

P.S. 2.5 days left until we leave for Colorado!

Yesterday we began getting ready for our trip (3.5 days and counting). Hubber thinks it's funny that it takes me 5 days to pack for a trip. At first I tried to hold off - just to see how long it would take for me to break down and let my obsessive compulsive behaviors kick in. After 30 minutes, I decided that I don't give a shit if he thinks it's funny. If I want to start packing 2 months early, then, gosh darnit, that's what I'm going to do. Besides, a lot of what we need for this trip was packed away in dark closet corners - you know, snow pants, gloves, hats, sweaters - stuff you don't have much use for in Houston. So, there's a pretty slim chance that we might have to use any of it before we leave. Packing early is smart. It saves time. If you do a little each day, you don't have to do much the night before.

Anyway, we came across some old 8mm tapes from way back when. There was one of J when she was about 18 months old. She was bumping and grinding to some hip hop music! I had forgotten about that tape! It was funny as shit. Then there was the cutie-patootie naked J at 2 years old, taking a bath. Awwwwe! I could just eat her up! I doubt she lets us take nudie girl movies of her now. Not to mention, it's probably illegal. At what point does the cute-naked-baby-age end? Hmmmm. 3-ish?

Oops... gotta run - we're going to the rodeo tonight to see Enrique Iglesias. Don't ask. I'll tell you more tomorrow.
Almost every day I get a call on my cell phone from some long distance number. And every time I answer it, it beeps at a fax line. So, I figure someone's faxing the wrong number, right? So, I type up a little note asking them to please QUIT trying to fax my cell phone. I dial their number on my fax machine and slip the paper in. It rings. And someone ANSWERS the line! What the...?@!

So - I pick up the phone on our fax machine and say "hello." But they hang up on me.

Ahhhhh! I call back. Fax beep again. So, I figure it's a phone/fax line. Can you send a text message to one of those things? I tried, and it didn't work.

I tried faxing again, she answered the phone, but this time, I was ready for her! I picked up the phone and screamed, "quit faxing my cell phone, Beeeeyotch!!!!" Ok, I didn't say "beeeeeyotch," but I wanted to. This time she heard me. I told her that her phone/fax was ass-backwards and it called my cell phone and when I tried to fax, it called her phone instead of her fax line. She took my number down and apologized.

We'll see what happens tomorrow.
Road Trip's Almost Here...

In 9 days, 19 hours and 29 minutes I'll be strapping my seatbelt, sipping my soda, feet up on the dashboard on my way to Colorado! It's an 18 hour drive - but we're making CDs, and taking plenty of DVDs to keep us busy! There's this place called Woody's Smokehouse about 100 miles outside of Houston that has the BEST beef jerky EVER! We'll stop there, of course... there's no way I'd make it 18 hours without some jerky to suck and chew on. I can almost feel the peppers lodged between my teeth. mmmmmmm -- jerky.

Wichita Falls, TX

I remember our last road trip to Colorado. We decided it'd be cool to stop at a few landmarks on the way there and back. So, Wichita Falls was our first touristy stop going up. We were under the VERY misleading impression that there were actually FALLS in Wichita Falls. Even the map said we wouldn't be disappointed. So, we stopped in at a Tourism station in Wichita Falls, TX for instructions on how to get to the falls. We then found ourselves WALKING through a park on a 1 mile trail...because that was the scenic route, we were told. When we finally got to the "FALLS," we were horrified! It was a mold infested sewerage line spilling into what we in Houston call a DITCH! There was a plaque on the wall explaining that the Falls had dried up in 1923 or some long ago year! What the...?! All that stupid lady in the tourism station had to say was that there isn't actually a "falls" in Wichita Falls. How hard would that have been?

Roswell, NM

On the way home on that trip, we decided to take a little detour into New Mexico - specifically to check out all the alien happenings in Roswell. First of all, if you've never been to that town, you're in for a treat! Their Main street is lined with lamp posts whose light fixtures are in the shape of alien heads! Every street (I mean EVERY) has at least one "alien store" where they sell everything from alien postcards and antenna balls to baby aliens in a jar and blow-up alien dolls! And every person in that town looks like an alien. It's freaky, I tell ya! We almost expected to be abducted that night while we slept!

The museum there was kinda cool. J wasn't too thrilled to take a picture with the alien sculptures they had there... I wanted her to pose shaking one of their hands. She wouldn't do it. We also visited the "crash site." If you saw that Steven Spielberg mini-series, Taken, it was sort of like that...except we didn't see any real aliens. That we know of.
32 days until Spring Break!

YAY us! We're going to Colorado soon. These last 32 days seem to be dragging on and on and on, though. It's like time goes slower just to piss me off. My sister-inlaw has planned a night in an Estes Park cabin - complete with sleigh rides and some other fun snow stuff I can't remember right now. I bought several new hats, scarves and sweaters! I love it that I'll actually be able to wear that stuff without looking like a complete dork. When you wear a hat and scarf in Houston during the winter, people laugh at you and talk about how ridiculous you are to think you can actually pull off a get-up like that when it's only 60 degrees out.

Beer or Chocolate

The other day we passed by a billboard advertising a "Chocolate Exhibit" at the Museum of Natural Science. I'm assuming it's supposed to be about how chocolate is made. How that falls under the realm of "natural science," I don't know, but in any case it reminded me that my sister-inlaw was planning a brewery tour for us during our trip to Colorado. Apparently there's a brewery near Denver. I'm not sure why chocolate reminded me of beer, but it did. So, after pointing out the lovely chocolate billboard to J, I told her about our upcoming tour through the brewery...and how Hubber and I were going to be able to sample beer for free! She informed me that she'd rather go to the museum in Houston where she could sample free chocolate. She's smart that way. I wonder if the museum is giving out free candy? Forget the beer - I want chocolate!
Are they faking it?

I find myself spending too much time dealing with idiots. Yes, that's right, stupid people. People who have no common sense. People who can't figure anything out for themselves. Nit-wits. Ding-bats. You know the type. They drive me nuts, I tell ya. In a management meeting this morning, someone said, "Oh, don't give that to Jane to do, she'll screw it all up." Uhm, excuse me. We've given Jane every opportunity to succeed here. It's time to let her dumb ass go! Sheesh. If she can't run the mail through the damn postage machine without screwing things up, then it's time to be rid of her. I sound harsh, don't I? I guess I'm just fed up with having to overload the hard working mule because we have dead weight that won't move. Sometimes I wonder if people like Jane are just faking it. Maybe she's a friggen genius! She just acts like a dumb ass in order to get out of doing any work. How can she live with herself?!
I'm baaaaack!

Wow. It's been awhile since I've been able to update my blog. December always goes by too fast - so fast, sometimes, that if you blink (or even stop to take a breath), it's suddenly January 6th. Good news is, I didn't drop off of the face of the Earth. I survived Christmas - and I made it through my parents' New Year's Eve party without making a fool out of myself! Come to think of it, everyone pretty much stayed sober and sane. Which, in our family, is a miracle. My sister, brother and father puked 3 years in a row. It was kind of became a running joke: Who's going to throw-up first this year? Well, Dad finally realized he can't drink the way he used to, my brother was too sick to drink much, and my sister had a "date" she was trying to keep her cool for this year. My other brother has as much sense as God gave a ant so he always does/says something we can use against him over and over all year until the next time he makes an idiot out of himself. Once, at the auto parts store he manages, when speaking to a customer in spanish, he said, "Lo tengo que cagar" instead of "Lo tengo que cargar." He was referring to "charging a battery." But if you know spanish, "cagar" means "to shit," and "cargar" means "to charge." So, in essense, he told the guy to "Wait here, while I go shit on your battery."