Momma Needs a Football Jersey That FITS



Momma needs one of these in an XXL

 I recently started writing for footballnation.com.  I bet you peeps didn't think I knew anything about football, huh?  I live to keep you people on your toes.  Anyhow... all the football research and writing has gotten me all worked up about the NFL season.  I don't care so much about the lockdown and collective bargaining crapola.... the thing that has me all in a tizzy is the fact that cute football shirts for large women are so damn hard to come by.  I want to represent as much as the next guy does.... but unless I want to squeeze into a women's medium-sized jersey sold at Academy or swim in a men's boxy jersey, I'm shit outta luck. 

So, you can imagine my surprise and cries of joy when I saw an advertisment on NFLShop.com for a new line of women's jerseys!  We're talking pink and blingy, y'all!  I was all beside myself as I clicked the link. But, as my luck would have it... the only size available in the Texans jersey I could afford is MEDIUM.  All the skinny girls and all the fat girls done bought up all the good stuff.... and the fucking line just opened!  Also, how does the NFL run out of jerseys in their store?  It's like going to McDonalds and ordering french fries only to be told they are "all out".  It's nonsense. And, it pisses me off. 

I think I owe Hubber an apology...

...maybe more than one apology... and maybe I KNOW I do (rather than THINK it).  You get my drift. Anyway, not that he's perfect or anything, but he sure has put up with a lot of shit from me over the last few years.  I won't get into specifics, but I will say that he's a trooper like no one else I've ever known.  Also, he doesn't fart around me and I appreciate that, too.  I love him for sticking by me through thick and thin... and for being stronger than I could be when I needed it most (and for knowing he needed to).   I think he might have saved my life. I love him a little more every day. I wouldn't trade him for the world. I guess I'll even keep his kids, too.

Oh, the joys of "working from home"....

Being a "contractor" can be fun but it also comes with its own set of complications.  Here's what I've learned in the past 6 months:

The good:

1. You only need one roll of duct tape to secure a 5-year-old to a chair AND cover her mouth.
2. Coffee tastes good in the morning... but booze helps you make it through the entire day (an added plus is that there's no need to "drive intoxicated"...which means I'm probably saving lives here, people!!)
3. You can dedicate your life to embarrassing your teenager by prancing around in your housedress all day while friends come and go.
4. You can spy on your neighbors during the day.
5. You can save gazillions of dollars in gas money!
6. Your office can sometimes be poolside...while you piddle away with two feet in the pool and a glass of wine in one hand.

The bad:

1. You can't buy groceries with promises of wealth to come "someday in the future".
2. You can write your ass off... but it doesn't mean anyone will read what you write or even give a shit that you're a badass writer.  Thick skin comes in handy.
3. Clients are always right... even when they're dumbass pieces of shit.
4. Having a dog and a toddler (and now a cat from hell) as co-workers is not all fun and games.
5. All those gazillions of dollars you save in gas money is now spent on electricity and entertainment.... oh, and booze.
6. Working poolside is not all that fun in 100-degree weather.

The ugly:

1. You can't go home to get away from the office when the office is in your home.
2. A virtual assistant living in the Phillipines with a college degree will work for $1/hour, but they won't be able to speak or write a proper (or even half-assed) sentence in English. 
3. It's really hard to justify buying a new pair of shoes every month.
4. Just because you work from home doesn't mean you're a goshdarned housekeeper!