Monday, March 9, 2009

Nobody is Happy if Mama Ain't Happy
We're getting ready for a little family vacation in Destin and a lot of shit has to come together just perfectly to make everyone happy. First off, mama's gotta be happy and get everything she wants or NO ONE will be happy. So, I stocked up on coconut rum, flip flops, swim suit cover-ups and summer dresses because I plan on spending the week half naked on the beach with a book in one hand and a very VERY alcoholic beverage in the other hand. My fat ass will not be going on a snorkeling excursion, nor will it be jumping off a damn boat to swim with slimy dolphins. It will be firmly planted in a sturdy lounge chair on the beach where it belongs. End of story.

Secondly, J had to have a $60 swim suit from Pink, which by the way, is a Victoria's Secret spin-off... so that little fact pretty much sent Hubber through the roof because:

Hubber: What 12-year-old buys ANYTHING from Victoria's Secret?! Isn't that place for sexy lingerie, dildos and lube?!

Me: Hubber. Seriously? Just because they sell panties doesn't mean they're an adult novelty store.

Hubber: I've seen the catalogs! The boobs! The toys!

Me: You're delusional. I don't think bras and panties constitute TOYS.

I think he was confusing it with Zone D'erotica or Cindie's or something. The man needs to get out more. Anyway, so then I had to argue with J, because, REALLY, what friggen 12-year old buys ANYTHING from Victoria's Secret?! I sucked at the argument... and lost it actually, because she's a master negotiator and the bathing suit she wanted was pretty darn cute. She convinced me that it wouldn't cost much because she had half of the money saved (which turned out NOT to be half, but I didn't find this out until we were at the damn checkout and she pulls out a $20 bill and a $1 bill...thinking the $1 was a $10...because she's dyslexic or some shit....that or a genius manipulator!). Anyway. Throw in $20 sandals from Pac Sun and she pretty much got her way. Now SHE'S all ready for spring break.

Thirdly, Hubber needed new swim trunks because, seriously, the ones from 1997 died five years ago even though he refuses to admit it. So, I guess his needs are actually my needs for him to get with the program, but whatever...he has no mind of his own. That's why he married me. He also needed a frisbee. Oh, and road trip snacks. Damn, he's so high maintenance!

Finally, there's lil J who now has more sand castle building tools than three kids deserve to have. And let me just say...her bathing suit only cost $10 at Target. And her flip flops were 2 for $5 at The Children's Place. Now, THAT really makes Mama happy.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Going Back to Destin...

We're spending spring break in Destin, FL again this year. We were there a few years ago (Pre-lil J) and we did the whole touristy thing...which, let me just say, sucked hairy ass. Hairy, greasy, warty ass. We were huge nerds about the whole thing...planned it all out in advance...scheduled a pirate ship trip which included snorkeling...rented a pontoon boat for cruising...shit like that.

The pirate ship was super bumpy and I'm seriously lucky to still have both boobs attached to my body, albeit a little droopier after the experience. The pirate ship also include a snorkeling adventure. But what they don't tell you ahead of time is that the ship anchors in water levels over 50 feet deep and you have to jump off the ship which sits 10 feet above the water and SWIM into shallow water to snorkel. You have to swim AGAINST ocean currents, too. Which is not the most ideal situation for a super paranoid mother of a 7-year-old with only two summer swimming lessons at the YMCA under her belt. When J jumped off the ship ahead of me and started drifting AWAY from the shallow water and into deep, dark ocean, I nearly had a heart attack right there on the deck. I jumped off and caught up with her but couldn't fight the current to get us both back safely. Hubber saved our lives. He deserves a medal.

The pontoon boat ride was a lot nicer. And we had it all to ourselves because evidently, Hubber was a sea captain in a previous life and has a nose for direction and such. The problem with the pontoon boat came when we got the brilliant idea of anchoring the boat in shallow water and jumping off to swim in the ocean...where we might bump into dolphins who would kiss and and snuggle with us and become our friends for life. But, there were no dolphins. There were plenty of piranahas, though...nibbling at my skin and trying like hell to get under my bathing suit! Needless to say, the swimming didn't last very long...what with me and J screaming at the fish nibbles every 24 seconds, Hubber's entire experience was ruined. The other problem we discovered with jumping OFF of a pontoon boat was that you had to eventually climb back ON to the boat to leave. First, Hubber made it up after three attempts at hoisting himself up.... J and I giggling uncontrollably at his attempts. Then, J tried to climb up...but she couldn't do it. And, until I tried to do the same, I couldn't understand for the life of me why she couldn't get her skinny little ass back on the boat! I pretty much had to shove her back on to the boat with my head but not without her kicking me in the face TWICE! When it was my turn, I reached up and jumped and tried to lift myself out of the water, but try as I might, my fat ass wasn't going anywhere! Hubber pulled and yanked on my arms as I held in my stomach, trying to make myself as skinny and light as possible, but all I managed to do was get my ass higher in the air. I could hear the snickers of other boat riders all around us. It was humiliating. I vowed at that moment to NEVER jump off a boat into water ever again.

This year's trip to Destin includes only one plan...reservations at a condo right on the beach. That's it. No extra-curricular activities for this here lady. I plan on leaving the condo/beach as little as possible. Unless the outing includes liquor, lobster, or fried pickles, count me out!