Monday, May 23, 2011

Rapture Smapture

When I wasn't here posting blogs, the world was still moving.  Shocker... yes, I know.  And to make things more freaky, we had a bit of a scare on May 21st when for a minute (or two) we all thought (not really) that the world was going to end.  But, we're all still here; the Earth is still spinning and there is still work to be done, mouths to be fed and debauchery to partake in.    So, if you didn't spend all your life savings on bottled water, bomb shelters and zombie-killing weapons, it's time to bust that wallet open and get ready to start buying me lavish gifts!

Friday, May 13, 2011

How many steps are there in a mile?

The answer is 2,000.  No, I didn't count them... well, I tried, but I kept losing track and making numbers up.  Yes, I have a pedometer.  But, it's a cheap piece of crap that sometimes misses steps, so it's not to be trusted.  Instead, I trust the google search results... because that shiz is never wrong. 

TWO THOUSAND steps.  That's what I've been walking every day (except for yesterday because it was raining). 

At first I was feeling all proud of myself.... thinking, "hey, self, you're pretty badass to be walking a mile every day!"  But then, some jackass on TV tells me I should be walking 10,000 steps if I want to lose weight.  Needless to say, Dr. Oz is NOT by boyfriend anymore. And, when I was all heartbroken over the loss of my boyfriend, I see on my Facebook Newsfeed that one of my girlfriends rides 50 miles a week on her bicycle.  FIFTY MILES!  And, that's when she isn't working out in gyms for hours on end.  So, I sat here wondering if maybe I should push myself more and get off my toosh and walk a few more steps today.  It took me 20 steps to get this:

My workout is over.  Cheers!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Work and other things that make me tired...

Since I've been "working from home", I've realized something... when you work from home,  you never leave work. And, even when you physically remove yourself from home/work, it's usually to get groceries (work) or tote kids around (work), or to help others with something (work).  I got away from one job and took on 21 other jobs... and it pays less... and there aren't many perks, except for maybe this:


Ok, so it's not ALL bad...but still.  Momma needs some adult stimulation.  That doesn't necessarily mean I need my adult parts stimulated, either.  It means... I need conversation that doesn't require me to say, "You wanna go outstide to potty," or "Wipe your own ass!" or "Can't you see I'm on the phone!?" or "No, you cannot have another popsicle," or "no scissors on the couch!"  Besides myself and the little voices inside my head, it seems all I do these days is talk to animals and small children.  I guess it beats the alternative. I could be this guy:

1 tequila... 2 tequila.... 3 tequila.... FLOOR!

Happy Cinco de Mayo, y'all!  Drink responsibly, people, or you might end up like this gal. Also... what in the world is she wearing?  Did she go back to 1988 and ransack Madonna's closet? White shirt, black bra.... bandana headband... black tights, ankle boots and a strange belt.  Oh, wait. That style is coming back, huh?  Scary.  And, although I hate talking smack about people's hair because I may jinx myself and have all my hair fall out.... what is up with the fried and bleached mop she's got going on there?  No wonder she drank herself into oblivion.  Poor thing.

Also... Happy Cinco de Mayo!  Or... "Pico de Gallo", as one of my friends says.... she likes to celebrate May 5th with some Mexican food and extra pico de gallo.  And... do you know what goes good with Mexican food?  Tequila! So, throw a few back today in honor of.... Mexican Independance from ...???  the Alamo?? (Damn, I hate history).