Monday, June 28, 2004

Diaper Drama...

On our way to the grocery store a few weeks ago, we saw a rolled up diaper on the sidewalk about 2 blocks from home. I remember commenting at how raunchy it was for someone to have tossed a diaper there. I remember Hubber saying maybe it FELL out of someone's stroller as they were strolling along. I remember J saying maybe it BLEW out of someone's trash can. I DISTINCTLY remember all this happening A FEW WEEKS AGO.

Yesterday, on our way to the grocery store again, guess what we saw on the sidewalk about 2 blocks from home? Yep. There it was. In all is bloated glory. It had expanded to triple the size it was a few weeks ago because of all the rain we had gotten. But, there was no mistaking it - it was the SAME diaper. In the same spot. Now you're thinking we live in the ghetto and dirty diapers on the sidewalk are to be expected in the GHETTO. The thing is - we don't live in the damn ghetto. We live in a very upscale neighborhood. And the house that is directly connected to the diapered sidewalk is worth probably $900,000. So, you'd think that after a FEW WEEKS, the owners of said house would have disposed of the bloated diaper by now. You would think. But noooooo. There it fell and there it stayed.

Maybe the home owners thought the diaper owner would come back to claim his or her property? The thing is - there's a gutter about 3 feet from the damn thing. Why not kick it to the curb and down the gutter. Hubber said - maybe someone did, but the rain flooded out the gutter and the diaper came floating out and back to the same spot. So, why not pay the yard man to pick the damn thing up and throw it in the garbage. Hubber said - maybe the yard guy did, but he forgot to put the lid on the trash can, and when it rained, the trash can filled with water and the diaper floated out - and over the last week or so, drifted back to the same place. So, what happened to the rest of the trash in the trash can? Didn't it float out, too? Hubber said - yes, but it drifted down the curb into the gutter. The diaper was too heavy, at that point, to drift any farther.

So, why not take it and toss it into the bayou? Hubber asked - obviously no one wants to pick it up...why would anyone carry it all the way to the bayou 5 blocks away? Then I said - they could hit it with a stick. Yeah. They could hit it with a stick all the way down to the bayou. We ALL know the bayou didn't exceed its banks. So, there wouldn't have been any floating or drifting OUT of the bayou.

This solution made sense. And Hubber finally agreed with me. What better way to dispose of a diaper on a sidewalk than to hit it with a stick all the way to the bayou? That's what ANY sane person would do.

Then J said - what if the diaper explodes when you hit it?

Friday, June 25, 2004

Lonely Shoe



From now on, when watching the news or reading the newspaper, please play close attention to stories about pedestrians getting hit by a car. You'll notice that in EVERY - SINGLE - CASE, the person hit has lost one shoe.



This just in - small toddler killed in a hit and run accident...

Then the camera zooms in on that poor kid's shoe. One shoe.



78 year old woman walking to church is hit by a car....

Again the zoom to the shoe. One goddamned shoe.



Has any scientific research been done that proves when a person is hit by a car, they fall right out of their shoes? Even if the shoe laces are tied so tight that there's no way the shoe could fly off? What the hell is going on? Maybe...maybe...it's actually happening when the paramedics arrive on the scene. THEY take the victim's shoe off to check circulation to the extremities? If so, why not pack the damn shoe up in the ambulance? Why leave it in the middle of the road? Or....or...maybe the sudden impact of being struck by a vehicle causes feet to shrink. Ahem. A FOOT to shrink. The left one. Because it's on the same side as your heart.



Just think - every time you see a shoe laying on the side of the road, it's a pretty good indication that a person was struck by a car in that very spot.



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Speaking of weirdos...



...how many news stories does one person have to see before they realize that leaving children in vehicles could be deadly? Huh?! Are we that fucking stupid? I live in Houston where it's 90 degrees on Christmas day! YOU DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN IN A CAR. THEY WILL DIE. THEY CAN DIE IN JUST 5 MINUTES. YOU STUPID ASSHOLE. I'm not kidding when I say this - last summer, there were at least 2 or 3 deaths each month. On the news, we got to see stupid, idiotic mothers crying saying they just ran back into the house to grab something... or they had to run into the store in a hurry and didn't want to have to unstrap the baby and drag it inside. IT'S YOUR FUCKING KID! There have even been instances of people leaving the car running with the baby inside while they went into a convenient store and wondered why ANYONE would want to drive off with their baby! IDIOTS! Just a couple of weeks ago, a mother claimed her 2-year-old child woke up in the middle of the night, went out the front door and into the car where it suffocated and died. WHAT THE HELL?! That's the stupidest, most unlikely thing I've ever heard! They forgot the kid in the car overnight! How do you FORGET you have a child? HOW? I mean - if I don't see or hear my daughter for longer than 2 or 3 minutes, you better believe I'm going to look for that little heffer and make sure she's not breaking something or writing on walls or whatever it is she likes to do to drive me crazy.



Ok, I'm done for now.

Thursday, June 24, 2004

The Simple Mind



I'm almost a little ashamed to admit this - but I'm hoplessly addicted to The Simple Life and Newlyweds. What the heck is wrong with me?! Paris & Nicole are trampy versions of Jessica. And I love all three of those heffers! They're funny as shit!



Maybe my issue is that I'd secretly like to be gorgeous, rich, superficial and dumb as a gnat. I wonder what my life would be like if I had been born the daughter of a billionaire. I definitely wouldn't be plastered in front of this thing typing my heart out, that's for darn sure! I'd probably be out SHOPPING. For $76.8 kajillion shoes. With matching bags. And strappy, clingy see-through dresses. With no bra. Or panties. Wearing blue eyeshadow. And hot pink high heeled flip flops (which I hate, by the way).

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

For Father's Day we got Hubber a TiVo. Let me just say - that thing is the best invention EVER. I mean seriously. In the olden days, I had to "hold it" until a commercial when I got the urge to pee. Now? I just pause that sucker. Yep. Pause. Live TV. Whoda thunk?!

*******

I just re-read my last entry where I was acting as the friggen infomercial for the 8-minutes in the morning crap. To know me is to know that that diet lasted all of 2 weeks. Those skinny people in that book suck. And speaking of suckage. Yesterday on Oprah (which I have a TiVo Season Pass for) there was this lady who weighed 350 pounds and had gastric bypass surgery and now weighs 125 or something ungodly like that. Her boobs drooped all the way down to her crotch before having an extreme make-over. I'm not sure why suckage reminded me of that lady. Maybe I was really remembering the guy who had lyposuction. Ewww. Fat shlurping through a clear tube is nasty. I'd rather leave it in my body where it doesn't make me puke to look at it. It's time to face the facts and come to terms with the realization that I'm just meant to be overweight. Big, beautiful women ARE IN. 'nuff said.

*******

I'm in the market for a new vehicle and I can't make my mind up. I like everything. I like nothing. Will my precious Peanut hate me when I trade her in? Will she curse my new car? Will her new owner be as caring as me? Will her new owner be a smoker and give her cancer? Or will she sit in a used car lot for years just rotting away and wondering why her mommy left her? What the hell is wrong with me?! The Peanut is a CAR. A CAR. Not a person. Not a cat or a dog or even a hippo. But A CAR! Any other sane woman would be thrilled at the prospect of having a new vehicle! No other sane woman would be worrying about hurting the feelings of her old car. I need to get a grip! Breathe in. Breathe out.