Saturday, January 30, 2010

Teenagers, toddlers and other things I don't really like to talk to...

I'm not sure I like this new video chatting thing the kids are using these days. When I barge into my teenager's room half dressed, dropping f-bombs and tossing her dirty panties at her face because she keeps leaving them on the bathroom floor after her shower....I'd prefer not to have any witnesses present.  Especially little perverted boys. And especially when it's cold and I'm wearing a wife-beater tank and no bra...and there's a hole in the ass of the boxers I have on.  It kinda defeats the purspose of my dramatic exit.  But, it mortifies my kid.  And that ain't a bad thing.  Maybe it'll make her think twice before giving me a reason to burst into her room during her chat session.

J: MOOOOM....I'm on skype!

Me: I don't give a shit...you need to quit leaving your stanky drawers on the floor!

*snickering is heard from the computer*

J: And, why didn't you KNOCK?  You have no clothes on!

Me:  *looking down that the complete wreck that are the rags hanging from my body*  This is MY house, I can wear whatever I want.  And, until you start paying rent to live here, I don't have to knock on shit!

This is basically how all my conversations with J go these days.  Her, wanting her privacy. Me, reminding her that she has no privacy and embarrassing the living shit out of her. 

Conversations with lil J aren't much better, though.  Here's what happened when I asked her how her day went yesterday:

Me: How was your day?

lil J: It was awesome.

Me: Really?  What made it so awesome?

lil J: I didn't even get in trouble...and I did't have to sit on the blue rug OR go to the office ALL day!

Me: ??

lil J: guess what?!

Me: what?

lil J: fuck.

Me: uhm...

lil J: is that a bad word?

Me: yes.

lil J: oh, ok.


This is my life, y'all.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Long Duck Dong

My hair stylist's name is Duc. The first time I met him, he said, "My name is Duc - you know, like Long Duck Dong."  I fell in love with him immediately.  I quickly learned, though, that if Duc does your hair (or you want him to do your hair), you best be prepared to be broken and beaten down...and dragged through the muck that is your fucked up hair (because, until you have a fresh Duc do, your shit is fucked up...trust me).  I like to go 12 weeks before touching up my highlights and color. And in the hair dresser world, that is the hugest NO-NO ever.  Well, that, and having a long, nappy, fried mane.  So, if you don't want to hear "DAMN, GIRL, your hair looks like shit!" the second you walk through the door, Duc's not your man.  I happen to think his brutal honesty is refreshing.  If Duc's thinking it, you're gonna hear it.  Period.  And when I tell him that I hadn't been in to see him because I've been soooo poor lately, he says, "Yeah, it shows....I hope you don't go around telling people I do your hair when it looks like THAT!"  He's a straight-up Jackass. But I love him. And I miss him.  I did my own color this past weekend. He's going to kill me.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

What's YOUR life plan?

That is the question J recently asked herself. She shared her plan with me once she had it all figured out...
  1. Find a high school sweetheart.Get good grades in highschool.
  2. Get scholarships for college.
  3. Go to college with high school sweetheart. (preferably to Texas A&M, but wouldn't turn down Harvard if they accepted her.)
  4. Graduate college and start a career.
  5. Get married to high school sweetheart.
  6. Travel the world with husband.
  7. Start a family - one daughter and one son.  (will consider adopting because the birthing process grosses her out)
I asked her when she planned on making tons of cash so she can take care of her parents in their golden years and she said she's pretty sure we can take care of ourselves.   What a selfish heifer.  Who the hell is going to pay for Hubber's nursing staff when he becomes an incontient, slobbering, blubbery mess?  She certainly doesn't expect that shit to fall on me!!  And what about when her sister ends up in prison?? Who's gonna send her cigarrettes?  Who's gonna make sure she makes her parole meetings when/if she gets out? She's gonna need to re-think this list. For sure.

So, anyway, I got to thinking about MY life plan.  Because, honestly, I hadn't given it much thought. Ever. I've been one of those "live for today" types of people. And I ain't getting any younger.  You know shit is going downhill when you discover you have a crazy hair on your chin that grows 7 inches OVERNIGHT.  And when you highlight your hair to cover the gray. And when you decide that eating anything after 7 pm is a BAAAAAD idea if you're going to sleep at 9.  I've turned into my mother and I haven't even traveled the world yet!  And according to J's plan...she'll have traveled the world BEFORE having children. Smart, huh? 

I'm not sure WTF happened to me along the way...and why, as anal as I am, I didn't come up with a clever plan like J's a long time ago.  Well, fuck it. Better late than never, eh?  So...here goes...
  1. Find a job/opportunity that pays better than the one I have and allows me to work a lot less than I do now.
  2. Kick my boss in the balls on my way out the door.
  3. Learn to be a ninja warrior - or at least to kick ass should the need arise.
  4. Renew my wedding vows and get a new wedding ring.
  5. Send J off to college.
  6. Remodel my kitchen.
  7. Spend a week on a tropical island.
  8. Visit California before it falls off the map.
  9. Send lil J off to college.
  10. Spend a St. Patrick's Day in Ireland.
  11. Take an Alaskan cruise.
  12. Spoil the living shit out of my grandchildren.
....to be continued.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Kicking Ass in 2010

New Year's Resolutions are evil. I'd like to start a petition to end this nonsense altogether. Because, really, NO ONE ever sticks to their resolutions.  Making them only makes you feel like a loser....a failure...a person on the verge of suicide.  Fat people want to get skinny.  Smokers want to stop smoking.  Alcoholics want to save their livers.  Sex fiends want to be virgins.  Blah Blah BLAH. You know what I want to resolve to doing?  Making more money and drinking more booze!  Oh, and learning how to kick ass.  In case I get abducted or something.  I don't want to pack heat, so the least I could do is learn how to stab someone in the neck with my pinky to debilitate them. I know what you're thinking....alls you have to do is knee them in the ball sack. Am I right, ladies? Well, what you probably should consider is that abductors may be on to us.  They know that we know that they know that we know their soft spots. So, they wear protection.  Like jock straps or something.  And what are we left with?  Bruised knees and broken toes!  That's why surprising them with killer Chuck Norris moves could prove to be more effective. Wait, I hate Chuck Norris.  Jackie Chan.  Let's go with him. Or, that guy that used to do those Tae-Bo videos?? YEAH!  He was tough.  I bet no one ever tried to abduct his ass! Or Steven Segal!  Or John Claude Van Dam!  Or Arnold Schwartzenager back in his Terminator days!  Or Daniel Craig.  Yeah.  No body messes with 007....lest they want to DIE....or have wild, bad boy sex.

What the fuck was I talking about again?