Nobody is Happy if Mama Ain't Happy
We're getting ready for a little family vacation in Destin and a lot of shit has to come together just perfectly to make everyone happy. First off, mama's gotta be happy and get everything she wants or NO ONE will be happy. So, I stocked up on coconut rum, flip flops, swim suit cover-ups and summer dresses because I plan on spending the week half naked on the beach with a book in one hand and a very VERY alcoholic beverage in the other hand. My fat ass will not be going on a snorkeling excursion, nor will it be jumping off a damn boat to swim with slimy dolphins. It will be firmly planted in a sturdy lounge chair on the beach where it belongs. End of story.
Secondly, J had to have a $60 swim suit from Pink, which by the way, is a Victoria's Secret spin-off... so that little fact pretty much sent Hubber through the roof because:
Hubber: What 12-year-old buys ANYTHING from Victoria's Secret?! Isn't that place for sexy lingerie, dildos and lube?!
Me: Hubber. Seriously? Just because they sell panties doesn't mean they're an adult novelty store.
Hubber: I've seen the catalogs! The boobs! The toys!
Me: You're delusional. I don't think bras and panties constitute TOYS.
I think he was confusing it with Zone D'erotica or Cindie's or something. The man needs to get out more. Anyway, so then I had to argue with J, because, REALLY, what friggen 12-year old buys ANYTHING from Victoria's Secret?! I sucked at the argument... and lost it actually, because she's a master negotiator and the bathing suit she wanted was pretty darn cute. She convinced me that it wouldn't cost much because she had half of the money saved (which turned out NOT to be half, but I didn't find this out until we were at the damn checkout and she pulls out a $20 bill and a $1 bill...thinking the $1 was a $10...because she's dyslexic or some shit....that or a genius manipulator!). Anyway. Throw in $20 sandals from Pac Sun and she pretty much got her way. Now SHE'S all ready for spring break.
Thirdly, Hubber needed new swim trunks because, seriously, the ones from 1997 died five years ago even though he refuses to admit it. So, I guess his needs are actually my needs for him to get with the program, but whatever...he has no mind of his own. That's why he married me. He also needed a frisbee. Oh, and road trip snacks. Damn, he's so high maintenance!
Finally, there's lil J who now has more sand castle building tools than three kids deserve to have. And let me just say...her bathing suit only cost $10 at Target. And her flip flops were 2 for $5 at The Children's Place. Now, THAT really makes Mama happy.