Don't worry... we didn't sell his testicles.

I decided to go "minimalist" in my house by getting rid of all the unnecessary crap we don't really need. And what better way to unload my crap than by having a garage sale?  My trash is YOUR treasure!  That's my motto for this weekend.  Nevermind that this decision was another masked attempt at supplementing my shameful income.  And speaking of shame... one thing I am not ashamed to do is exploit my children for cash.  I planted those two little heifers at the end of the driveway with a lemonade/popcorn stand; looking all cute an inviting.  It's a shame my girls aren't old enough to be "hooters girls", otherwise, I would have had them out there prancing around wearing next to nothing and washing cars!  This was the best I could do:
 

The little one dressed herself.

...and it worked like a charm!  We raked in enough cash to start working on our bathroom remodel!  And, the girls even raised $50 selling lemonade!  Not too bad for one day!  I mean, it ain't gonna send them to college, but it'll pay for all the Halloween crap they've been asking for. (Please don't tell them I snagged a twenty out of their tip jar for a bottle of booze.)

I also make a killing off of stuff Hubber doesn't need anymore.  He was a little pissed at first because he's so attached to his crap, but he got over it.  Mostly.

Hubber's Quote of the Day: "Do you wanna sell my testicles, too?!  We can put the left one on the 50-cent table!"

Also, purses are always a big hit at garage sales.  I unloaded about 20 of my old bags!  Hubber was so concerned that I was getting rid of too much...

Hubber: You're getting rid of all these purses?  Do you even have any left?

Me: I kept about five.

Hubber: Wow.  I'm shocked.

Me: Now I have tons of room for new handbags!

Hubber: Oh.  Now, THAT makes perfect sense *shaking his head*

It's taking every ounce of willpower I have in me not to swipe $100 out of the bathroom remodel money for new handbags.

There is no limit to the extent of my pimping...

I am one determined heifer when it comes to "working from home", y'all. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I will pimp anyone out for some cold, hard cash.  I even tried pimping myself out, but for some reason, I'm not as good at that.... I guess because I know all my faults and I probably wouldn't even hire me if I were in the business of hiring.  Which I am not.  Well, except for my snazzy logo up there.  I did pay for that.

(Need a graphic artist?  This guy is the shit!)

Anyway... recently, an opportunity presented itself to me.  I was just sitting around, staring at my youngest spawn (who was explaining to me the logic behind her poor conduct reports in school) and wondering what the hell I ever did to deserve such a sassy, smart-assed, loud-mouthed rugrat.  God is one cruel mofo.  As I watched her mouth move and completely tuned her out, my mind was racing with ideas on how I could pawn her off on some unsuspecting soul for a little peace and quiet.... that's when it occured to me.  She's smart.  Real smart.  Too smart, actually. WHAT IF she was destined to be Doogie Houser, Jr.?  At the rate she's going with reading and math and logic, she could be competing with the minds of college students in three years. Tops.  It was at that moment that I realized I needed to get to pimpin' HER ass out.

College is expensive, y'all.  And, although I'm not adverse to child labor, she's only five-years-old and pretty useless.  However, she's a budding artist and her artwork is highly sought after.  And, we've just been GIVING that shit away!  Well, no more of that nonsense.  I've started a gallery and I'm selling her shiz to raise money to ship her ass off to college when she's eight.  Go buy some fantastical art, people... one day she'll be famous and you can say you knew her when...

WHO'S PIMPIN' WHO?!

Why the fuck am I working today?

The mail ain't running today... the kids are off of school... the bank is closed... and everyone's trash will be stinking to high heaven at the curb until tomorrow.  All because it's Columbus Day. Big fucking deal!  We don't celebrate this "holiday" in my house because Columbus could not have actually DISCOVERED a place that had already been discovered.  HELLO? THERE WERE ALREADY PEOPLE HERE!  It's one of the dumbest national holidays.... right up there with MLK day. Don't get me started, people.

So, anyway... here I am working and wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.  I should be plastered in front of the TV like my kids are... or snuggled under the covers in bed with a trashy novel.  Or, better yet, I should observe "Columbus Day" in the proper, most common-sensical way by barging into someone else's house and claiming it as my own.  Where can I find some vials of small pox?

But, sadly, I'm not doing any of that fun stuff.  I'm working.  I've got deadlines to meet today; shit to write and asses to chew on.  I'm sure that halfway through the day, I'll decide I've had enough bullshit and pour myself an adult beverage and chillax a little.  And, when 3:00pm rolls around and I decide to go out and check the mail because I've forgotten it's a damn holiday, I'll be pissed off all over again because my Netflix delivery won't be there.  Christopher Columbus was an asshole.

I Hate Kindergarteners Who Can Read

Specifically, my own kindergartener.  Now that she can kinda-sorta read, I can't lie about shit.  Like when she wants a quarter for a gumball machine.... I used to say, "See that sign right there?  It says, 'out of order'."  Then there's my favorite non-existent sign posted outside of Chuck-e-Cheese that says, "Sorry, we're closed...all the people parked in our lot are at the store next door." I can't pull that shit on her anymore because she can sound words out and use context clues and whatnot on the words she can't quite figure out.  She's too smart for her own damn good.  Or, for my good.  Either way, it's annoying as hell.

What's worse is that the tiny spawn can now half-assedly read my text messages and emails!  So when she's playing "Top Model" or "Monster Farm" (or whatever nonsense is popular that hour) on my iPhone and a text comes through, she turns into a nosey little heifer.

Spawn: MOM! Hubber Hancock just texted you!  .... uhm.. .is "m-o-f-o" a bad word?  Muffu?  Moofoo?

Me: Give me my phone!

Spawn: Please, please, please let me text him back for you.

Me: Fine. 

Spawn: What should I say?

Me: I don't care... go away.

Spawn: Cool!

So = saw and Yo = You.  Kinda cute, huh?  I guess I don't hate it that much.  I guess.  But, this lil heifer needs more schooling on using punctuation properly. 

Zombie Princesses Rule, Y'all!

I applied for a writing gig recently that I thought would be fun.  I shoulda known my creative genius would be wasted on those damn Canadians.  But, when they flashed some dollars around and promised lots of work, I couldn't turn it down.  'Cause I'm a whore for money, y'all. Anyway... so as it turns out, I'm now a ghost writer for some weird-ass princess persona who represents a chain of pawn shops in Canada.  She's like their mascot.  My first assignment was to write 5 blog entries... they were all returned for major edits...

Canadian Boss Person: The princess doesn't drink alcohol - she needs to appeal to an audience of moms and families.

Me: Canadian moms don't drink booze?

Canadian Boss Person: What I'm trying to say is that we're "family oriented."

Me: The only reason I even like my family is because I drink.

Canadian Boss Person: Oh.  Uhm.  Can you just take that part out?  Oh... and no sex, either.  The princess isn't married... we want her to be appealing to men.

Me: So, no booze and no sex.  Remind me again why people like her?

Canadian Boss Person: She is fun and sassy.

Me: Can she be a zombie?  If she can't drink and she's a virgin, she can at least eat brains.  THAT would make her cool!

Canadian Boss Person: Are you drunk?

Me: No... I'm high.

Candian Boss Person: What?!

Me: Just kidding. Kinda.

Canadian Boss Person: Are you still up for this project?

Me: Are you still paying?

Canadian Boss Person: Of course...but the message has to be exactly what we want... with a rated-G sense of humor sprinkled in.

Me: I think I need a raise.

At first I thought the gig would be pretty badass...but now, it's just sad.  And, dumb. Seriously. There isn't anything remotely cool about buying used shit from a boring-ass mormon princess.  Canadians are dumb.

I think I need to start another pawn mascot....maybe someone in AMERICA will appreciate my geniusness.

Ridiculous Shit I Write About for Money

There is no shortage of website content writing projects available out there these days.  What with all the "search engine optimization" and blogging, I've got clients coming out the yin-yang.  The only issue I usually have is related to the subject matter.  You never know what kind of nonsense you're going to run into in this business.

Sometimes I write for doctors...which requires lots of research and fact-checking.... because, in case y'all haven't noticed, I am not a doctor.  I will say, though, that doctors suck at writing.  And, spelling. OMG.  I thought I sucked at spelling. How the hell did these people make it through all those years of schooling without knowing how to spell or put a proper sentence together?  And to think they're the ones cutting people open and fiddling with their brains and spinal cords.  Scary. 

Sometimes I write for marketing firms....which doesn't require as much research, but usually involves really stupid content... like organic fabrics, male "enhancement" products, gocarts, plastic surgery, potato peelers, dog breath and goat milking.  Oh, and weight loss programs.  That shit is the worst because it makes me want to try all the ridiculous diets.  But, of course I don't; which makes me feel extra fat and hopelessly lazy. So writing about weight loss ain't fun.

Sometimes I write product reviews.  Yep.  For products I have never purchased or tried.  Ever wonder who the hell takes time to review products online?  Have YOU ever reviewed a product?  No one does it.. y'all... unless: 1. the product sucks and the consumer is pissed and wants the entire world to know about it... or 2. someone PAYS for the review. People in the Phillipines will write a 150-word review in jacked-up English for less than $1 for someone desperate enough to pay for cheap, incorrect shit.  For awhile, I wondered how these Filipinos could afford to work so cheap... turns out one dollar in their country is like $50 to us, apparently. That's some sad shit. So... whenever I can, I like to throw bones their way.  I'll take a job that pays $20/hr... subcontract it to them for $2 (which is like $100, y'all!) then I edit the shit out of it and call it mine.  It's a win-win situation.... and I feel good about helping the Filipino economy.  I'm like that Tom guy who buys shoes for shoeless African kids!  Except cuter.

CDs and other stuff that has gone extinct in our house...

Five years ago, after strapping Hubber down and gagging him with an 8-ball, "we" got rid of all our VHS and cassette tapes. It was no easy feat. In fact, he went down kicking and screaming. And he still cries about it to this day... even though he has nothing to play the damn things on anymore. Now we have a gazillion DVDs and CDs... but it's time for some of that shit to go, too..
so, before Hubber births a cow, I'm putting all the music on a hard drive before getting rid of the CDs. I'm torn between being nostalgic about it and being thrilled at the prospect of finally getting my linen closet back. There are no fewer than 700 CDs in our media [soon to be linen] closet. SEVEN HUNDRED. And to think that their contents all fit on one teeny, tiny, wallet-sized contraption now is amazing.

Hubber isn't impressed with the new gadget. Nor is he happy to be losing his "media storage room" (soon to be linen closet).

Hubber: It's going to take a shit load of movies and stuff to make up for all the space the CDs take up in the media storage room.

Me: Uhm... we are not purging in order to start collecting junk again. Besides, that's going to be the new linen closet.

Hubber: The what?! What do you need linens for? You just want an excuse to go shopping!

Me: I already have linens... they're piled high in the game room closet... they're even touching the light bulb in there... damn, I hope they don't start a fire.

Youngest Spawn (interjecting little know-it-all that she is): You need to have a smoke alarm in there... and put a ladder in the window in case there's a fire.

Hubber mumbled something under his breath at that point which I couldn't quite make out but probably had something to do with the fact that he was bailing out on a losing battle. Now, not only was he losing his precious "media storage room" to household linens but he now has smoke detectors to install. Oh, and I thinkn I need some extra shelves hung.

Back to School... The Bitter and the Sweet

Today, our family hit a milestone... or two.  The oldest spawn started high school and the little one started kindergarten.  They were both very excited to start these new life experience.... all the while, their mom has mixed emotions.  Yesterday I was counting down the seconds until things would be "back to normal" and my kids wouldn't be pestering me all day long.  But, today... I feel a little differently.

I feel old.  I have a kid in high school.  Where the hell did the time go?  And how did my other baby get old enough to go to kindergarten?  Wasn't I pregnant last year?  I feel like I just blinked and POOF, five years passed me by.

But, regardless of how OLD I feel right now, I'm not SAD that they're gone during the days now... I do love my "alone" time.... I can work and write and piddle around the house in peace and quiet.  For the first time in a LONG time, I feel like I'm my own person.  No one is depending on me to do this or that or whatever.  I can just BE. And, I love it.

Summer Vacation: Day 2

Location: Disney's Fort Wilderness Resort & Cabins
Quote of the Day: "You'll always be a loser as long as you're with me." -Hubber
Mood: It's raining; but I've got sunshine in a bag

We made it to Disney World today; but not before stopping at a Waffle House for breakfast.  Hubber counted 362 kazillion of those suckers on the way here so we figured we were probably missing out on something if those things were THAT popular. We were right. That shit is good, y'all. And CHEAP!  We fed FIVE people for $25.

But I'm not here to talk about waffles and hashbrowns.

Our first day in our Fort Wilderness cabin was fun!  This place is huge... and amazing.  But you know my peeps are never happy.  We decided to go resort hopping for dinner... we trekked on over to Animal Kingdom's resort (which is lots more fancier) to see how the other side lives. It was great... and if it hadn't been for the thunder and lightening, we would have totally free-loaded and splashed around in their pool. Damn that mother nature! 

Summer Vacation: Day 1

Location: Alabama/Florida State Line
Quote of the Day:  "Goodness gracious great balls of China!" - Lil J
Mood: Thankful

I'm very high tech, y'all.  I've got a wi-fi hotspot on my iphone... so at this very moment, I'm sitting in the car typing away on my laptop as Hubber cheaufers us to Florida. We're headed to spend a week in Disney World!  So far, the road trip has been nice and uneventful.... aside from the occassional demonic outbursts from the brattiest of all children, Lil J.  We stuck her in the 3rd row seat so that we could pretend we couldn't hear her from all the way up front.  It works fine when we have our headphones on.  Well, sorta. Between the adults and the devil child are two teenage girls.... they have hardly made a peep.  Mostly, they sleep, watch TV or listen to music; they're totally oblivious to the drama occurring behind them.

I have to admit, though... I couldn't be happier.  I've got my family around me.  We're on our way to a happiest place on earth, y'all!  I'm thankful.  I'm annoyed.  But, thankful, too.  Maybe I'm lightening up in my old age?

My Fantasy Involves Football...

This year I’m playing Fantasy Football for the first time.  Draft day was an event in my house…. I taped my kids’ mouths up and made Hubber) sit next to me so that there would be more than my one-ounce of football brains involved in my picks. However, while Hubber was busy pointing and hollering about which players I need to add to my watch list (and warning me about bye weeks and whatnot)... I ended up with mostly boyfriends; like Chad Ochocinco (because he’s a dancer), Peyton Manning (because he’s so funny in those commercials) and Andre Johnson (because I gotta keep my homeboys in the mix).  And, just to balance things out a bit, I chose the Chicago Bears kicker who has a face only a mother could love.  That being said... I'm pretty confident that I have a winning team.