I applied for a writing gig recently that I thought would be fun. I shoulda known my creative genius would be wasted on those damn Canadians. But, when they flashed some dollars around and promised lots of work, I couldn't turn it down. 'Cause I'm a whore for money, y'all. Anyway... so as it turns out, I'm now a ghost writer for some weird-ass princess persona who represents a chain of pawn shops in Canada. She's like their mascot. My first assignment was to write 5 blog entries... they were all returned for major edits...
Canadian Boss Person: The princess doesn't drink alcohol - she needs to appeal to an audience of moms and families.
Me: Canadian moms don't drink booze?
Canadian Boss Person: What I'm trying to say is that we're "family oriented."
Me: The only reason I even like my family is because I drink.
Canadian Boss Person: Oh. Uhm. Can you just take that part out? Oh... and no sex, either. The princess isn't married... we want her to be appealing to men.
Me: So, no booze and no sex. Remind me again why people like her?
Canadian Boss Person: She is fun and sassy.
Me: Can she be a zombie? If she can't drink and she's a virgin, she can at least eat brains. THAT would make her cool!
Canadian Boss Person: Are you drunk?
Me: No... I'm high.
Candian Boss Person: What?!
Me: Just kidding. Kinda.
Canadian Boss Person: Are you still up for this project?
Me: Are you still paying?
Canadian Boss Person: Of course...but the message has to be exactly what we want... with a rated-G sense of humor sprinkled in.
Me: I think I need a raise.
At first I thought the gig would be pretty badass...but now, it's just sad. And, dumb. Seriously. There isn't anything remotely cool about buying used shit from a boring-ass mormon princess. Canadians are dumb.
I think I need to start another pawn mascot....maybe someone in AMERICA will appreciate my geniusness.