Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Zombie Princesses Rule, Y'all!

I applied for a writing gig recently that I thought would be fun.  I shoulda known my creative genius would be wasted on those damn Canadians.  But, when they flashed some dollars around and promised lots of work, I couldn't turn it down.  'Cause I'm a whore for money, y'all. Anyway... so as it turns out, I'm now a ghost writer for some weird-ass princess persona who represents a chain of pawn shops in Canada.  She's like their mascot.  My first assignment was to write 5 blog entries... they were all returned for major edits...

Canadian Boss Person: The princess doesn't drink alcohol - she needs to appeal to an audience of moms and families.

Me: Canadian moms don't drink booze?

Canadian Boss Person: What I'm trying to say is that we're "family oriented."

Me: The only reason I even like my family is because I drink.

Canadian Boss Person: Oh.  Uhm.  Can you just take that part out?  Oh... and no sex, either.  The princess isn't married... we want her to be appealing to men.

Me: So, no booze and no sex.  Remind me again why people like her?

Canadian Boss Person: She is fun and sassy.

Me: Can she be a zombie?  If she can't drink and she's a virgin, she can at least eat brains.  THAT would make her cool!

Canadian Boss Person: Are you drunk?

Me: No... I'm high.

Candian Boss Person: What?!

Me: Just kidding. Kinda.

Canadian Boss Person: Are you still up for this project?

Me: Are you still paying?

Canadian Boss Person: Of course...but the message has to be exactly what we want... with a rated-G sense of humor sprinkled in.

Me: I think I need a raise.

At first I thought the gig would be pretty badass...but now, it's just sad.  And, dumb. Seriously. There isn't anything remotely cool about buying used shit from a boring-ass mormon princess.  Canadians are dumb.

I think I need to start another pawn mascot....maybe someone in AMERICA will appreciate my geniusness.

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