Teen Spawn: Mom, if our house was on fire, what three things would you be sure to grab on your way out?
Me: Is this a trick question?
Teen Spawn: No. Seriously.
Me: (playing it safe) you, your sister and your father.
Teen Spawn: besides people.
Me: my dog.
Teen Spawn: What about the cats and the lizard and the hermit crabs?
Me: Nah, just the dog.
Teen Spawn: (disgusted) Ok, what three things would you grab besides people and animals?
Me: My purse, my phone and my external hard-drive.
Teen Spawn: YOUR PURSE? It's full of trash and alcohol!
Me: Exactly. Oh, and some panties.
Teen Spawn: Panties?
Me: Yeah. What if I burn to death on my way out of the house?
Teen Spawn: How would panties save you?
Me: They wouldn't. But, see... the house would probably burn down in the middle of the night when I'm in bed. So, I'll be sans panties. I can't be caught dead pantiless!
Teen Spawn: You've been caught ALIVE pantiless... what's the big deal? Also, do you even OWN a pair of panties?!
Me: It's different when you're dead... your stuff probably shrivels up and looks gnarly. I don't want my gnarly stuff hanging out for the neighbors to see!
Teen Spawn: Are you sure I wasn't switched at birth and my REAL mother isn't some sane person?
Me: Nah, you're mine. You were the only white baby born that day. Besides... someday you'll be just a fucked up as I am. Just wait. This shit doesn't really set in until you're around 25.
Teen Spawn: (rolling eyes) Why do I even ask you anything?
Me: Hell if I know. I thought you knew it all.
Teen Spawn: I hate you.
Me: Join the club, Sista!