Do YOU want my fucking advice?!

Why the fuck do people ask me for advice then not take it?  I don't understand.  I'm a pretty common-sensical type person.  I usually tell it like it is. I've been around the block a time or two.  And as an added bonus, I've even fucked up royally and learned from my mistakes (mostly).  So, when I've got something to say about something I may have a clue about... TAKE MY FUCKING ADVICE. I dole these golden gems out by the buttload for free, y'all.  And, this shiz is priceless!

If you're the type of person who has a hard time deciphering between good and bad advice, maybe this will help:

BAD ADVICE:  Just be yourself.

GOOD ADVICE:  Pluck your fucking eyebrows, shave your legs, squeeze into a pair of spanx, suck on a mint and wear a push-up bra.

BAD ADVICE:  Get all the facts straight before reacting.
GOOD ADVICE:  Shoot first, ask questions later.

BAD ADVICE:  Always wear a clean pair of panties.
GOOD ADVICE: Go commando: save water, save the earth.

BAD ADVICE: Drink in moderation.
GOOD ADVICE: Drink up, bitches!  You only live once!

But seriously, y'all.  If you ever ASK ME a question and I take the time out of my busy fucking life to answer you, take that shit to heart. 

That is all.

In case of fire, grab some panties!

Teen Spawn:  Mom, if our house was on fire, what three things would you be sure to grab on your way out?

Me: Is this a trick question?

Teen Spawn: No.  Seriously.

Me: (playing it safe) you, your sister and your father.

Teen Spawn: besides people.

Me: my dog.

Teen Spawn: What about the cats and the lizard and the hermit crabs?

Me: Nah, just the dog.

Teen Spawn: (disgusted) Ok, what three things would you grab besides people and animals?

Me: My purse, my phone and my external hard-drive.

Teen Spawn: YOUR PURSE?  It's full of trash and alcohol!

Me: Exactly.  Oh, and some panties.

Teen Spawn: Panties?

Me: Yeah. What if I burn to death on my way out of the house?

Teen Spawn: How would panties save you?

Me: They wouldn't.  But, see... the house would probably burn down in the middle of the night when I'm in bed.  So, I'll be sans panties.  I can't be caught dead pantiless!

Teen Spawn: You've been caught ALIVE pantiless... what's the big deal? Also, do you even OWN a pair of panties?!

Me: It's different when you're dead... your stuff probably shrivels up and looks gnarly.  I don't want my gnarly stuff hanging out for the neighbors to see!

Teen Spawn:  Are you sure I wasn't switched at birth and my REAL mother isn't some sane person?

Me: Nah, you're mine.  You were the only white baby born that day.  Besides... someday you'll be just a fucked up as I am. Just wait. This shit doesn't really set in until you're around 25.

Teen Spawn: (rolling eyes) Why do I even ask you anything?

Me: Hell if I know.  I thought you knew it all.

Teen Spawn: I hate you. 

Me: Join the club, Sista!