Monday, October 17, 2011

Top 5 List of Stupid Things I've Done That I'm Not Even Remotely Sorry For....

5. Spawn two children. Although my fat rolls and stretch marks would probably beg to differ, I am not sorry in the least.  It was a stupid and crazy thing to do, I know, but deep down, I really love these little heifers.  Plus, who else can I boss around when I'm too lazy to fetch my own glass of water (yes, WATER) or wash my dishes... or paint my toenails?

4. Get married.  Who else would take out the trash, do my yard, clean my pool, eat my taco, stomp on bugs and change the oil in my car?  Not to mention that I have someone who actually signed on to listen to my rants and raves till death do us part.  Hubber does all these things with no hesitation.  Well.  Maybe he hesitates a little.  Nah... he loves being my beck-and-call-boy.

3. Perm my hair. Yes, I know it's not 1985 and that perm chemicals will dry my shit out, so STFU.  Momma loves her some curls.  They're loose and bouncy... just like Hubber likes his women.

2. Adopt a really large dog.  Part mastiff, part boxer?  SURE, I'll take her!  Her poop piles are the size of cow patties; but I don't care!  I call it fertilizer. Also, she eats 60lbs of food every month?  So?  No problemo, I say!  I can buy that shit at Sam's for $30.

1. Exchanged my full-time, good-paying job for a part-time gig with crappy pay.  Who cares if I have to pimp people out on the side for money?  Not me!  I get to stay home and "work", bitches!  Also, I get to spy on the neighbors and make up stories about their comings and goings.  I've already pegged the pedophiles, swingers and drug dealers.  Which reminds me, I need a new pair of binoculars. And, a bb-gun.
I've got my eye on all you beeeyotches!

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