Sex Toys Are Your Friends (and mine)

All Stand and APPLAUD, Damnit!

It's a proud moment in Snarky Heifer-ville, y'all.  Momma got her first advertiser!  That's right!  Someone is actually PAYING money for a slot on my website! CHA-CHING!  I didn't even have to turn a trick; which makes Hubber a happy camper.

Nevermind that my advertiser sells adult toys.  They're still legit (because the check didn't bounce)... and cool as shit in my book. At first, I was tempted to trade them some ad space for loot.  But then I realized that my cupboard is bare and my peeps need milk and eggs before Hubber needs a blow up doll.  So, I opted for the cash.  Smart, huh?

Another good thing about my newly acquired [best] friends is that I've learned a lot more than I ever thought possible about the adult toy businesses.  There are contraptions for everything, y'all.  Turns out, I don't know shit about kinky sex.

For example, what do you think THIS is?:

No, it is not an attachment for your kitchen blender.

It is a vaginal/anal bi-polar ElectraProbe.  And, if that isn't snazzy enough for you... you POWER it up with one of these things:

I'm dead serious about this shit.  Kinda scary, if you ask me.  Pretty sure I don't want anything inside my hoo-ha that uses electro-thingamajigs in order to operate.  With my luck, my goodies would turn toxic and Hubber's dingaling would fall off in two months. Eeek!

But, wait!  Don't let that stop you from visiting my advertiser's lovely store!  They sell a bunch of normal shit, too.  I promise!  Go check them out: www.PerpetualPerv.com

There is no limit to the extent of my pimping...

I am one determined heifer when it comes to "working from home", y'all. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I will pimp anyone out for some cold, hard cash.  I even tried pimping myself out, but for some reason, I'm not as good at that.... I guess because I know all my faults and I probably wouldn't even hire me if I were in the business of hiring.  Which I am not.  Well, except for my snazzy logo up there.  I did pay for that.

(Need a graphic artist?  This guy is the shit!)

Anyway... recently, an opportunity presented itself to me.  I was just sitting around, staring at my youngest spawn (who was explaining to me the logic behind her poor conduct reports in school) and wondering what the hell I ever did to deserve such a sassy, smart-assed, loud-mouthed rugrat.  God is one cruel mofo.  As I watched her mouth move and completely tuned her out, my mind was racing with ideas on how I could pawn her off on some unsuspecting soul for a little peace and quiet.... that's when it occured to me.  She's smart.  Real smart.  Too smart, actually. WHAT IF she was destined to be Doogie Houser, Jr.?  At the rate she's going with reading and math and logic, she could be competing with the minds of college students in three years. Tops.  It was at that moment that I realized I needed to get to pimpin' HER ass out.

College is expensive, y'all.  And, although I'm not adverse to child labor, she's only five-years-old and pretty useless.  However, she's a budding artist and her artwork is highly sought after.  And, we've just been GIVING that shit away!  Well, no more of that nonsense.  I've started a gallery and I'm selling her shiz to raise money to ship her ass off to college when she's eight.  Go buy some fantastical art, people... one day she'll be famous and you can say you knew her when...

WHO'S PIMPIN' WHO?!