Saturday, June 7, 2008

Beauty and the Beast

I'm not as beautiful as I was Pre-lil J and it isn't because I've gotten older and fatter and lazier, either. It's due to lack of beauty sleep. I don't think there is anyone I hate more than the parent who BRAGS about how their 6 month old baby sleeps through the night... as a matter of fact, this is usually a parent whose freak child even sleeps 10-12 hours without waking up once...not one time. Meanwhile, lil J has not slept more than 3 hours straight for the past TWO YEARS. Even when highly medicated (which she NEVER is unless she is very, VERY ill, of course), she refuses to sleep like a regular human being. She wakes up several times a night with requests for such things as a cup of juice, someone to help her put her blanket back on her, a diaper change, or a larger bed in which to sleep in - one which already contains two not-so-small people. Her new favorite request is to go sleep on the couch. Which makes me wonder if maybe she's some sort of alien being. Some sort of beast from another planet - sent here to make my life a LIVING HELL.

Let me break it down for ya. The following is a typical night in my Honeymoon Suite:

9:00 p.m.: lil J goes down for the night. She is placed, ever so gently into her crib, the covers are tucked up around her and the tag of the blanket is placed into her cute, little hand. A sippy cup is placed near the rail, within baby reach should she feel parched within the hour.

10:00 p.m.: Sippy cup is empty, lil J is stirring. Both Hubber and I are fumbling around as fast as we can to fill up the cup before she wakes up for good.

10:13 p.m.: The second cup is empty and I am worried that she's probably got a full diaper by now. I reach in...and sure enough, the diaper is about to explode.

10:14 p.m.: I change the diaper while J sleeps.

10:30 p.m.: I finally fall asleep and begin dreaming of blue coconut slushies and baskets full of chili cheese french fries and money, and lots and lots of money...

11:18 p.m.: The beast is awake. Hubber tries to soothe her so that I don't have to get up (he's my hero!), but it doesn't work. I'm up, too. First she wants a new cup. Then, she wants Daddy to carry her. Then, she wants to lay in bed with Mommy and Daddy. Then, she wants more "juice" (watered down pedialyte). Then, she needs another diaper change. Then, she wants to go back to her bed (thank the lord).

11:50 p.m.: Hubber puts her back in her bed.

12:00 a.m.: Hubber crawls into bed with me.

3:00 a.m.: "MY CUUUUP.....MY CUUUUUP??!!" the beast screams in horror from her crib when she awakens and realizes her cup is not within baby's reach. Both Hubber and I wait, motionless in bed. Each hoping that the other will handle the panicky beast. Each praying that the next words that come out of the beast's mouth are the name of the other parent.

3:03 a.m.: "DAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYY!!!" I win! I win, I win, I win! Hubber has to get up. Poor thing. Foul words pour out of his mouth like poetry....taking me back to dream land...while he gets up to tend to the beast.

3:20 a.m.: The beast has had a drink and is now asleep again.

5:00 a.m.: TWENTY MINUTES from the time my alarm clock is set to go off, the beast is awake again! This time, she's wet and needs a diaper change. "Just a minute," I beg her....I MUST get my 20 minutes of sleep in before getting up for work. But, she's relentless. Her pleads for a diaper turn into screams for her cup again.

5:10 a.m.: I'm tired and I'm pissed. I change her diaper and put her back into her crib with a fresh cup of pedialyte/water. David is snoring.

Fun, huh? Yeah, we love it.

I'm convinced that God is punishing me for all the bad things I ever did in my life....Hubber is just an innocent victim being dragged along in my punishment because he was crazy enough to marry me. That's what he gets.

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