This is why I don't go to church

My mom convinced me to go to church on Sunday. Wait. Actually, she GUILTED me into going to church (typical Catholic bullshit). Evidently, it was my aunt and uncle's 40th wedding anniversary and they were going to get blessed or something. And, as if it weren't bad enough that mass started at 8:00 a.m. (which meant waking up at 5:30 to pick Mom up at 7:00 to be there on time), Mom conveniently forgot to tell us that the shit would be in SPANISH and that we had to sit in the second goddamned pew (which meant no texting or bubble game playing). When my sister and I spotted the damn mariachis approaching, we knew right away that they weren't planning on singing shit in English. Sis gave me a terrified look and I glared at Mom, who acted dumb founded like she had noooo idea what our problem was. See, we don't mind going to mass once in a while, but when we are tricked into it, that shit better be low key and in ENGLISH. If you've never been to a Spanish mass, those people get all crazy nuts with the singing and crying. And they like to hug and kiss and whatnot. It ain't fun, y'all. It borders on being creepy and twilight zone-y. And, when your fluently spanish-speaking mother leans over to you and asks if you understand what the fuck the priest just said, you know you're in trouble. Needless to say, it was the longest hour E-V-E-R. And we couldn't even sneak out of there after the damn wedding blessing because the damn priest saved that shit for the end of the service to torture the hell out of us. He must have know we have the devil in us... I bet he was trying to exorcise us or someshit with all the mumbo jumbo that even Mom couldn't understand. And who the hell stays married for FORTY effing years these days?! WTF is my aunt/uncle's deal? They haven't even lived together for an entire year straight through at a I don't think it counts. They just friggen lied to baby Jesus about the big 4-0. And one of my other uncles FELL ASLEEP during the homily. My mom poked ME and pointed over to him so that I could see he was asleep (and snoring softly) and she smiled. Like she thought that shit was cute or something. I asked her if she thought I should tap him or something...and she was all...noooo...leave him alone, poor thing. WTF?! When we were kids and we fell asleep in church or acted up, we got pinched. And I ain't talking a soft gentle pinch, I'm talking one of the titty-twister pinches that bring tears to your eyes and makes you pee your panties a little. It was payback time, damnit! So, I reached over and pinched the shit out of his arm...and twisted. Heh. I didn't expect him to scream and let out a fart, though. Yeah. I hadn't figured on that happening. Then one of my cousin's kids laughs his ass off and the whole goddamned congregation stared at us. My mom was mortified. My sister acted like she wasn't related to us. Then, my grandma let out some snoring snorts because that bitch was asleep, too!

I'm soooo sorry, 8 pound, 6 ounce baby Jesus. I didn't mean to offend the sanctity of the mass, but shit! Those fuckers weren't even paying attention to the gospel...someone had to do something about it. It's just a shame it had to be me. You're welcome. I did my duty for the year. Don't expect me there at Christmas.