Friday, June 4, 2010

Not having a properly functioning air conditioning unit in Houston is like TORTURE... 

And, when I say TORTURE, I mean it. Literally.  It's like poor Daniel Craig in that James Bond movie where he's naked and tied to a seatless chair and some guy is whipping his balls from underneath.  It's like that.  Except I have no balls.  Well, figuratively I do.  Anyway... I'm not sure why our shit is taking so long to get fixed, you'd have to ask Hubber.  But, after two nights in a plush hotel room, we did a little math and figured we better take our asses back home before we did too much damage to the bank account.  So, we bought a couple of window units.  WINDOW units.  To cool our 2,800 sq ft home. Because THAT would work.  Sure.  Turns out, those bitches can only cool two parts of the house: the master bedroom and the livingroom/kitchen/dining area.  We have to close doors and put sheets up in hallways to keep the coolness in.  It's very ghetto.  And cozy.  I'm shocked that my children haven't killed each other yet.  They're sharing the living room...which has turned into a quasi campground of sorts.  The sofa bed has been out for days. The big couch is fitted with sheets and stuffed animals. The coffee table is littered with empty juice pouches, half-eaten pieces of fruit, empty chip bags and crumbs.  Lots of crumbs.  I'm just waiting for the ants and roaches to appear. And we can't cook anything on the stove or in the oven that takes more than 15 minutes or so to cook because that shit will kill the coolness with a quickness. And I've resorted to screaming at anyone opening a door, "CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU'LL LET THE COOL AIR OUT, DAMNIT!"  because those heifers can't seem to remember that it's fucking hot in that mofo if you leave a door cracked open!

And, god forbid I turn my blow dryer on!  My hair has looked like shitballs for a week now.

And as if all that weren't bad enough, our fucking swimming pool is out of service.  And by that, I mean: the goddamned water looks like pea soup!  So, we can't even escape the indoor heat by tooling around in the pool.  We have to all sit huddled together in front of the window unit air conditioner...all the while getting on each other's last nerves.

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