Friday, May 9, 2014

Being Absent

**Caution: this entry will NOT make you laugh.  Don't read if seriousness ain't your thang.**

I've been absent for months now.  Absent in mind.  Absent in spirit.  That's why I've been absent from my blog.  I miss it, yes.  But, I don't have anything to say.  Or maybe I do.

Or...

Maybe I don't.

You know that commercial about depression?  The one that talks about how "depression hurts".  That ain't a lie, y'all.  It hurts your brain.  It hurts your body.  But more than anything, it breaks your spirit.  And, it catches you off guard.

For me, it comes in waves.  One morning, I get out of bed feeling refreshed and ready to start my day - the next morning, I feel a heavy weight pushing against me as I struggle to swing my legs over the side of the bed and push myself upright.  If it weren't for my obligations as a mother and wife, I may not have been able to make it out of bed on those bad days.

Gotta make sure the girls get off to school.
Gotta make sure the dog goes out.
Gotta make sure there's dinner.
Gotta make sure there's gas in the car.
Gotta go to work.
Gotta return calls.
Gotta get the girls to dance class... to troop meetings... to work.

It's all normal, everyday stuff, I understand.  I'm smart, I know this... but I'm also a little mental.

It's not every day that I feel blue... but when it strikes, it's hard to snap out of it.

And, there's no trigger for the sadness.  It could be that my pants are too tight.... it could be that we ran out of milk... it could be a song on the radio... it could be the youngest spawn's high-water pants... it could be just as simple as having to step outside.  Or, it could be nothing at all.

The solution is easy, they say.  Go to the doctor.  Get some exercise.  Change your diet.  Blah blah blah.  But, it's not easy in my brain.  My brain says it's easier to deal with the waves.  It's easier to try to ignore it.  It's easier to just be left alone.  It's easier to put on a face for the sake of others.  It's easier to force myself to navigate through a "normal" day.

But it's not easier. It's just what I do.  It's just what I tell myself.

Given this mental crap that's consumed me lately... I will say that my family have been troopers!  Hubber gives me my space...he loves me unconditionally all the time.  The littlest spawn continues to baffle me with her charm and wit... she keeps me on the ball.  The oldest spawn melts my heart with her smile...she encourages me with her own strengths and youthfulness. They are my world, and I am theirs.  And, as Mother's Day approaches, I am thankful for them and for what they unknowingly do every day to keep me sane and present - especially on those days when I feel most absent.

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