Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Gonads, Ice Picks and Husband-Eating Zombie Wives

If Hubber begins one more sentence with, "Since you'll be at home all day doing nothing, could you..."... I'ma pluck his eyeballs out with a rusty ice pick and squish his gonads between my freakishly strong toes. Then, I'll pull his hair.  And for good measure, I'll scrub the toilet with his toothbrush.

For some strange reason, Hubber seems to think that I roll out of the bed each morning and assume this ritual:
  1. slurp down a cup of coffee
  2. stumble into my house slippers
  3. drive starving teen spawn to school
  4. get back home and crawl back under the covers
  5. take magically dressed, sugar-filled kindergartener (with shiny clean teeth) to school
  6. get back home and crawl back under the covers
  7. take a two-hour nap
  8. turn the tv on and watch soaps and talk shows while munching on Cheetos and drinking rum and coke
  9. roll back out of bed to frolick around in the backyard with the dog
  10. "play" on facebook until it's time to pick teen spawn back up from school
I wish, mofo!

Instead, shit usually goes down like this:
  1. fall out of bed
  2. try to spruce myself up a bit to look alive
  3. scream at teen spawn to hurry the hell up
  4. beg tiny spawn to get up
  5. answer a few work-related emails
  6. plead with teen spawn to eat/drink something before we leave
  7. argue that we do NOT have time to go to McDonald's on the way to school 
  8. drag tiny spawn out of bed kicking and screaming
  9. pile kids up in the car and drive to the high school
  10. halfway there, teen spawn freaks out that she forgot something at home
  11. more arguing takes place
  12. drop teen spawn off at school
  13. get back home to get tiny spawn ready for school
  14. fight with tiny spawn regarding hair/teeth brushing and NOT having a popsicle for breakfast
  15. remind her that panties and socks are essential on school days
  16. answer a few work-related emails
  17. take tiny spawn to school
  18. sit in the car line for at least 10 minutes while other jackass parents figure out how to fucking drop their kids off and move the hell out of the way
  19. get home and let the dog out
  20. scream at dog for fighting with neighbor's dog
  21. feed animals / clean litter box
  22. make FIRST cup of coffee
  23. answer work-related emails
  24. return a couple of calls
  25. work
  26. wash some dishes
  27. work
  28. throw a load of laundry into the washing machine
  29. work
  30. sit in on ridiculously long conference call while catching up on some writing
  31. pay bills
  32. run to the grocery store
  33. work
  34. look at the time and freak out that I only have 10 more minutes until I have to pick teen spawn back up from school
I'll stop there because what comes next deals with carpooling... arguing with teen spawn... running (literally) in the direction of tiny spawn's bus stop so the bus driver doesn't get mad at me for being late again..... getting write-up from teacher because my kindergartener can't behave at school... arguing with tiny spawn about her television priveledges... trying to get more work done... etc. etc.

Then, Hubber gets home all tired, wondering what the fuck I did all day and why we're having cereal again for dinner and why I didn't wash a load of whites.

 

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