Shit You SHOULD NOT Buy Your Mother for Mother's Day

It's hard buying shit for your mother... I know.  I have one, too.  Moms always seem to have EVERYTHING, right?  But, if you listen closely (without trying to read between the lines), she'll tell you exactly what kind of gifts she would love.  But, don't read too much into what she says.  She's usually quite blunt with her wishes.  For instance, when she says, "I sure would love a face lift," it does NOT mean she'll settle for one of those widely popular Japanese Face Slimmers:


This doesn't say, "here's a great way to get a face lift,
Mom!", it says, "here, Mom, start giving blow jobs for
a living to raise your own money for a face lift."

This shit is NOT jewelry! 

Instead, take up a fucking collection...or have a barbecue plate benefit event to raise the money it'll take to send her to get a real face lift, or botox, or a fucking gift certificate for a spa day. Splurge a little, for crissakes!  I mean, she probably needs a face lift because YOU aged her beyond her years!  Show a little gratitude!
And, whatever you do, DO NOT buy your mother crap that she can "use" around the house.  If she wants a new vacuum cleaner or a fancy feather duster, she will buy that shit for herself.  If you want to contribute to her household, shower her instead with gifts of wine, cocktail mixers, ice cream and bacon.  You could even throw in a maid service if you're so inclined.

The Slipper Genie?  This shit will
not fly unless you plan on scooting
your ass around her house cleaning
the damn floors yourself.

Yes, a weekly pre-paid maid service will ensure that you will be (without a doubt) her favorite kid for the rest of her life.

Here are a few other things NOT to buy your mother for Mother's Day:

1. Exercise videos/equipment (this is a no-brainer)
2. Clothes (let's face it, you don't know what the fuck her size is, let alone what she likes)
3. Generic lotion/body wash gift sets (she knows you bought that shit at Walmart for $1!)
4. Fake flowers (just because "they never die" doesn't mean she wants that shit collecting dust in her house)
5. Cleaning products (unless a free french maid comes along with that shit)