5 Perfect Mother's Day Gifts - Part II

In 2012, I wrote about what NOT to buy your mother for Mother's Day. That list is still relevant. Then, in 2013, I wrote about what you SHOULD buy your mother for Mother's Day. That shit is still relevant, too. But, being three years removed from my last thoughts on what Mother's Day gifts are all about, I decided it was time for a sequel post...

PERFECT gifts for your mother on Mother's Day (or any damn day):

1. Laser Hair Removal Gift Certificate
That's right. Screw the No-No As-Seen-on-TV bullshit. Hook a muther up and treat her to the procedure of her dreams! No more mommy beards! No more sasquach arm pits! And, no more herniated discs while trying to shave her nether regions! I mean, do YOU want to be trimming your momma's bush when she ends up an invalid? No. You do not. Unless, of course, your name is Norman Bates and your momma's name is Norma. In which case, you probably do want to shave your momma's bush.

2. Keurig K575
This is the fancy one, ya'll. Not the one-cup, manual operation stuff. Your momma will be able to program the shit out of this coffee maker! All those times she was running too late to make coffee will be ancient history. A caffeinated muther is a happy muther. Remember that. Write it down. Take a picture.

3. Lasik Eye Surgery
Let's face it, folks. Your mom is going blind. She can't see shit. Between contacts and progressive lenses and fucking reading glasses to top it all off, she is one very sad step away from needing a seeing-eye dog.

Wait a minute.

I might have just talked myself out of this one. Seeing-eye dogs are the best invention EVER. Not only are they cute, but you can take them into any building...you can park anywhere... you can rule the goddamned world with a seeing-eye dog. Ok... just wait until she goes blind and get her a fancy dog instead.

4. Booze-of-the-Month Club Subscription
Unless your mom is Baptist or a recovering alcoholic, booze is always a good gift. Just like coffee serves to pep your momma up, booze helps to calm that bitch down. You can't have one without the other. It's screws with the balance of the universe. And, when balance is screwed with, muthers get stabby, y'all. And, stabby means death...and murder...and bloody hell. Nobody wants that.

5. Nice, Thoughtful Thank-You Cards
Be real. Be honest. Thank your mother for all the shit you've put her through. Let's face it, childbirth is a fucking miracle. And, that shit wreaks havoc on a muther's body. It's YOUR fault your mom's boobs sag. It's YOUR fault she pees a little every time she sneezes...or laughs...or coughs. Also, she gives you mental therapy without charging you an hourly rate. And, she taught you important life skills... like how to wipe you own ass. Show some appreciation for all this shit. She may not have eaten her placenta, but she's probably still a badass mom.

5 Perfect Mother's Day Gifts For Needy Moms

Do you know a needy mom?  

If you're not sure... look around.  Do you see a mom whose hair is perpetually disheveled?  Are her gray roots in desperate need of coloring? Does she need to pluck a few stray eyebrows?  Does she have coffee stains on her t-shirt?  Does her left eye twitch every few minutes?  Does she carry mini vodka bottles in her handbag?  Is she always popping "vitamins"?  Does she sometimes cry for no fucking reason?  Yeah.  You know at least one of those moms.

This year, let's give needy moms Mother's Day gifts they would really love.

They deserve it, you ungrateful mofos.  They carried bowling balls around in their uteruses for 9 long, gruesome months.  They spewed real, live human beings from their loins.  And, that my friends, is no small feat.  It's a miracle, motherfuckers.  And, their bodies will never be the same again.  So, the least YOU can do is treat them to something super nice this year.  Fuck the dumb candy and flowers.  Dig a little deeper and consider a gift from the following list:

1. No! No! Hair Removal System

Every needy mom has unwanted hair.  Some, more than others.  Either way, it's a bitch maintaining smooth, hairless skin.  Every mom need's a No! No! for Mother's Day.  Look how happy the heifer in this picture looks:

You think she could have attracted that little hottie she's hanging on to if she had beard stubble?  I think not.

2. Poo-Pourri

Although my shit doesn't stink, I know a shit load of people who have some really foul smelling poop.  And, let's face it, people... ladies are dainty.  They don't want people smelling their shit and talking about them behind their backs.  It's bad enough that their hair is matted and they're growing random two-inch hairs on their chins... they don't need a stinky ass on top of everything else that's wrong with them.  So, do all needy moms a favor, and get them a Crap Shooter from Poo-Pourri.  It's a gift the entire family can enjoy. 

3. Jock Strap Maid Service

No woman would turn down this service.  Even gay women appreciate a hard body... and a bare booty. Every needy mom needs this guy in her house once a month to scrub her toilets.  Plus, you'll be killing two birds with one stone - helping an needy mom AND helping a poor, sexy guy make his way through college.  It's a win-win, if you ask me.  

4. A Spec's Gift Card. You can never go wrong with booze...

Unless she doesn't drink.  Then, you're screwed.  And, you're suddenly an asshole because you bought booze for a recovered alcoholic or a Jehovah's Witness... or a Baptist, for crying out loud!  But, if in fact she is a drinker, she's got an expensive habit that needs supporting.  Look at what a good son this guy is:

his mama loves him for boozin' her up!

5. Summer Day Camp for Kids

Needy moms are usually on very tight budgets.  They usually work from home.  They get most of their work done while the kids are in school or in the middle of the night when the kids are sleeping.  But, what do they do when school lets out for the Summer? Some of them literally go insane.  Help a needy mom out, y'all!  Contribute to a worthy cause and send [at least] her [most annoying] kid to day camp at the Y.  Not sure how to contribute?  In a quick search, I found someone you can help!  Go here: Send Jessica to YMCA Summer Day Camp.

Shit You SHOULD NOT Buy Your Mother for Mother's Day

It's hard buying shit for your mother... I know.  I have one, too.  Moms always seem to have EVERYTHING, right?  But, if you listen closely (without trying to read between the lines), she'll tell you exactly what kind of gifts she would love.  But, don't read too much into what she says.  She's usually quite blunt with her wishes.  For instance, when she says, "I sure would love a face lift," it does NOT mean she'll settle for one of those widely popular Japanese Face Slimmers:


This doesn't say, "here's a great way to get a face lift,
Mom!", it says, "here, Mom, start giving blow jobs for
a living to raise your own money for a face lift."

This shit is NOT jewelry! 

Instead, take up a fucking collection...or have a barbecue plate benefit event to raise the money it'll take to send her to get a real face lift, or botox, or a fucking gift certificate for a spa day. Splurge a little, for crissakes!  I mean, she probably needs a face lift because YOU aged her beyond her years!  Show a little gratitude!
And, whatever you do, DO NOT buy your mother crap that she can "use" around the house.  If she wants a new vacuum cleaner or a fancy feather duster, she will buy that shit for herself.  If you want to contribute to her household, shower her instead with gifts of wine, cocktail mixers, ice cream and bacon.  You could even throw in a maid service if you're so inclined.

The Slipper Genie?  This shit will
not fly unless you plan on scooting
your ass around her house cleaning
the damn floors yourself.

Yes, a weekly pre-paid maid service will ensure that you will be (without a doubt) her favorite kid for the rest of her life.

Here are a few other things NOT to buy your mother for Mother's Day:

1. Exercise videos/equipment (this is a no-brainer)
2. Clothes (let's face it, you don't know what the fuck her size is, let alone what she likes)
3. Generic lotion/body wash gift sets (she knows you bought that shit at Walmart for $1!)
4. Fake flowers (just because "they never die" doesn't mean she wants that shit collecting dust in her house)
5. Cleaning products (unless a free french maid comes along with that shit)