Where Have I Been? UNEMPLOYED. That's Where!

Life is literally a bitch right now, ya'll. It reminds of that Depeche Mode song about how God has a sick sense of humor. How does it go again? "....I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors..." oh, never mind. This ain't the time for sing-songy shit. This is the time for bitching and moaning.

Balancing unemployment and responsibility is really cutting into my leisure time. First of all, plans to lay out on a  beach with a pina colada in one hand and a trashy novel in the other have been foiled. And, so much for sending the youngest spawn off to summer day camp every day. You can't do THAT and pay rent when you're living on unemployment checks! Don't even get me started on sending the oldest spawn off to college. I'm still paying on MY fucking student loans from 20 years ago and now I'm taking out more for her! Thanks, universe! Thanks a lot for kicking me in the teeth when I'm already down!

Needless to say, this shit has really taken a toll on my sanity. My kids are all up in my face 24/7. And Hubber is over here planning imaginary vacations...

Hubber: Hey, Wife! Check this out! We could go to Disney World for only $569/person!

Me: WTF? Are you mental? We have NO money.

Hubber: The bank account says we do...and I think we should high tail it out of this shoebox and see the world while we have the chance. Usually you're too busy "WORKING" to take a trip like this!

Me: You have officially lost your mind if you think it's smart to spend our life savings on frivolous shit when we have no income! And, you wanna take the kids? That's double the cost!

Hubber: But, I have faith in you! You will land a fabulous job soon! So, why not take advantage of this little break!?

Me: How am I the responsible one in this relationship all of a sudden? Do you have a brain tumor?? I think you have a brain tumor.

Hubber: Fine...let's just you and me go to New Orleans!

Me: Now you're talking!

I think we're both going a little stir crazy up in here. Something's gotta give. But, in the meantime....

5 Perfect Mother's Day Gifts For Needy Moms

Do you know a needy mom?  

If you're not sure... look around.  Do you see a mom whose hair is perpetually disheveled?  Are her gray roots in desperate need of coloring? Does she need to pluck a few stray eyebrows?  Does she have coffee stains on her t-shirt?  Does her left eye twitch every few minutes?  Does she carry mini vodka bottles in her handbag?  Is she always popping "vitamins"?  Does she sometimes cry for no fucking reason?  Yeah.  You know at least one of those moms.

This year, let's give needy moms Mother's Day gifts they would really love.

They deserve it, you ungrateful mofos.  They carried bowling balls around in their uteruses for 9 long, gruesome months.  They spewed real, live human beings from their loins.  And, that my friends, is no small feat.  It's a miracle, motherfuckers.  And, their bodies will never be the same again.  So, the least YOU can do is treat them to something super nice this year.  Fuck the dumb candy and flowers.  Dig a little deeper and consider a gift from the following list:

1. No! No! Hair Removal System

Every needy mom has unwanted hair.  Some, more than others.  Either way, it's a bitch maintaining smooth, hairless skin.  Every mom need's a No! No! for Mother's Day.  Look how happy the heifer in this picture looks:

You think she could have attracted that little hottie she's hanging on to if she had beard stubble?  I think not.

2. Poo-Pourri

Although my shit doesn't stink, I know a shit load of people who have some really foul smelling poop.  And, let's face it, people... ladies are dainty.  They don't want people smelling their shit and talking about them behind their backs.  It's bad enough that their hair is matted and they're growing random two-inch hairs on their chins... they don't need a stinky ass on top of everything else that's wrong with them.  So, do all needy moms a favor, and get them a Crap Shooter from Poo-Pourri.  It's a gift the entire family can enjoy. 

3. Jock Strap Maid Service

No woman would turn down this service.  Even gay women appreciate a hard body... and a bare booty. Every needy mom needs this guy in her house once a month to scrub her toilets.  Plus, you'll be killing two birds with one stone - helping an needy mom AND helping a poor, sexy guy make his way through college.  It's a win-win, if you ask me.  

4. A Spec's Gift Card. You can never go wrong with booze...

Unless she doesn't drink.  Then, you're screwed.  And, you're suddenly an asshole because you bought booze for a recovered alcoholic or a Jehovah's Witness... or a Baptist, for crying out loud!  But, if in fact she is a drinker, she's got an expensive habit that needs supporting.  Look at what a good son this guy is:

his mama loves him for boozin' her up!

5. Summer Day Camp for Kids

Needy moms are usually on very tight budgets.  They usually work from home.  They get most of their work done while the kids are in school or in the middle of the night when the kids are sleeping.  But, what do they do when school lets out for the Summer? Some of them literally go insane.  Help a needy mom out, y'all!  Contribute to a worthy cause and send [at least] her [most annoying] kid to day camp at the Y.  Not sure how to contribute?  In a quick search, I found someone you can help!  Go here: Send Jessica to YMCA Summer Day Camp.

Celebrate Good Times, C'mon!

I've been celebrating all week! Celebrating the fact that my kids are finally back at school.  It was the longest fucking summer break in history; and I survived!  That shit was cause for celebration.  There were many times during the past couple of months that I thought I was fixenta lose my shit, y'all.  Once, when my medication reached it's maximum threshold for patience, I had to lock myself up in the closet under the stairs (like Harry Potter) to cry my ass off. If the NFL Pre-Season hadn't started when it did, I'm pretty sure I'd have flipped my lid and gone homicidal up in here. Those football booties saved some fucking lives.  I'm really not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I guess it's good because I didn't end up in jail.  I'm too cute for jail.

So now, my life is "back to normal"... meaning I'm back to regular "work" hours.  I've taken on a few new projects which I hope prove to be lucrative; but in the meantime, I'm still writing boring-ass bullshit for idiots who think they're smarter than I am. I'm also still working part-time for "the man".  But... AT LEAST MY KIDS ARE BACK IN SCHOOL!  I thank the 6lb 8oz baby Geezus for that shit every day.

Did I mention that football season has started?

Don't move, Honey, I'll be right there!!

Yes, I'm STILL broke... don't let the fancy vacation fool ya

Tomorrow we leave for Panama City Beach, Florida. NO, that does not mean that we suddenly came into a windfall of cash.  No one died and left us their fortune.  We did not finally hit it big in the lotto.  Hubber isn't faking his death so we can collect his life insurance money.  And, no one suddenly decided to pay real money for my writing.  That's not the kind of luck we're having.  But... we are lucky, y'all.  Lucky to have some awesome family members who love us enough to foot the bill for our portion of a fancy beach house rental.  Woot, woot!

Don't be jealous.

Or, do be.  I don't give a shit.  Alls I know is that I'm fixenta get the fuck outta dodge for a few days.  I'ma be sitting my large behind in some soft, powdery white sand this time tomorrow.  Yes-sir-ee.  Know what I say?  I say FUCK the murky waters of Galveston!  Momma's gonna soak up some sun with an adult beverage in tow only 2 feet away from crystal clear, blue ocean water... complete with dolphins, boobs, pirate ships and whatnot!

If it rains one drop on this trip, I'm going to use the Lord's name in vain. Twice. And, I'm not going to apologize. End of story.

Weiner Cleaner and other shit that's kept me from blogging...

Yes, I'm still alive.  The spawns have been yanking on every nerve this summer, but they haven't broken me yet. Medication helps.  A lot. Well, at least until you run out and the pharmacy screws up your prescriptions and you turn into a crazed lunatic and get kicked out of Walgreen's.

I didn't really get kicked out.  But, I will wear a disguise next time I go in, just in case. I need one of those nifty mustaches that are so popular now.  And, a little orphan annie wig. I wonder if my sister will let me borrow some of her ass-jackin' hooker heels?  Hmmmm.

Anyway... my point here is that my kids are driving me bat shit crazy, but I'm still functioning on some level.  Summer seems to be taking for fucking ever to be over, though.  I've been trying to busy myself with working, writing, daydreaming, drinking adult beverages and soaking up some rays.  Although, I think I overdid it with the sunbathing because my belly button is burned to a crisp right now.  It ain't a pretty sight.  It looked pretty gnarly before - all caved in with fat rolls and decorated in bright white stretch marks.... now it's bright red and stinging.  And, to top it all off, the fucking stretch marks didn't change color.  That shit doesn't tan??  WTF?!  What's the use in tanning to look 10 pounds thinner if those mofos stand out worse than they did when the skin around them was ghostly white?! If I get skin cancer, I'ma be really pissed.

The combinatin of motherhood and poor dieting has fucked my body all up.

But, I digress.

In my "spare" time, I've been busying myself by whipping up homemade facial creams and body wash concoctions. (This Pinterest shit is the devil.)  My family members have served as guinea pigs in testing out my products; and so far, none of them have died or contracted that oily, anal discharge that seems to be a common side affect of shit sold on TV.  As a matter of fact, the face cream seems to be "selling" like hotcakes. (I put that shit in quotations because nary one of these biznatches have actually traded CASH for the stuff. Yet.)  One batch of the body wash was awesome.  But, another one turned out kinda slimy.  I have 2 gallons of the slimy stuff.  And, no one seems to want it anymore.  SOOOO.... I'm repackaging that shit (I do have a background in marketing, y'all) and selling it as....

WEINER CLEANER!

....because every weiner needs a good cleaning.  Plus, you don't need a washcloth or spongee thing to get the job done.  Simply, squirt some slimy weiner cleaner into the palm of your hand and get to strokin' that bad boy clean! 

Wanna buy some?  Momma's selling that shit here:  GET YOUR BOTTLE OF WEINER CLEANER TODAY!