Thursday, April 25, 2013

5 Perfect Mother's Day Gifts For Needy Moms

Do you know a needy mom?  


If you're not sure... look around.  Do you see a mom whose hair is perpetually disheveled?  Are her gray roots in desperate need of coloring? Does she need to pluck a few stray eyebrows?  Does she have coffee stains on her t-shirt?  Does her left eye twitch every few minutes?  Does she carry mini vodka bottles in her handbag?  Is she always popping "vitamins"?  Does she sometimes cry for no fucking reason?  Yeah.  You know at least one of those moms.

This year, let's give needy moms Mother's Day gifts they would really love.


They deserve it, you ungrateful mofos.  They carried bowling balls around in their uteruses for 9 long, gruesome months.  They spewed real, live human beings from their loins.  And, that my friends, is no small feat.  It's a miracle, motherfuckers.  And, their bodies will never be the same again.  So, the least YOU can do is treat them to something super nice this year.  Fuck the dumb candy and flowers.  Dig a little deeper and consider a gift from the following list:

1. No! No! Hair Removal System

Every needy mom has unwanted hair.  Some, more than others.  Either way, it's a bitch maintaining smooth, hairless skin.  Every mom need's a No! No! for Mother's Day.  Look how happy the heifer in this picture looks:

no-no hair removal
You think she could have attracted that little hottie she's hanging on to if she had beard stubble?  I think not.

2. Poo-Pourri

Although my shit doesn't stink, I know a shit load of people who have some really foul smelling poop.  And, let's face it, people... ladies are dainty.  They don't want people smelling their shit and talking about them behind their backs.  It's bad enough that their hair is matted and they're growing random two-inch hairs on their chins... they don't need a stinky ass on top of everything else that's wrong with them.  So, do all needy moms a favor, and get them a Crap Shooter from Poo-Pourri.  It's a gift the entire family can enjoy. 
poo-pourri

3. Jock Strap Maid Service

No woman would turn down this service.  Even gay women appreciate a hard body... and a bare booty. Every needy mom needs this guy in her house once a month to scrub her toilets.  Plus, you'll be killing two birds with one stone - helping an needy mom AND helping a poor, sexy guy make his way through college.  It's a win-win, if you ask me.  
jock strap maid

4. A Spec's Gift Card. You can never go wrong with booze...

Unless she doesn't drink.  Then, you're screwed.  And, you're suddenly an asshole because you bought booze for a recovered alcoholic or a Jehovah's Witness... or a Baptist, for crying out loud!  But, if in fact she is a drinker, she's got an expensive habit that needs supporting.  Look at what a good son this guy is:
his mama loves him for boozin' her up!

5. Summer Day Camp for Kids

Needy moms are usually on very tight budgets.  They usually work from home.  They get most of their work done while the kids are in school or in the middle of the night when the kids are sleeping.  But, what do they do when school lets out for the Summer? Some of them literally go insane.  Help a needy mom out, y'all!  Contribute to a worthy cause and send [at least] her [most annoying] kid to day camp at the Y.  Not sure how to contribute?  In a quick search, I found someone you can help!  Go here: Send Jessica to YMCA Summer Day Camp.
send jessica to summer camp


8 comments:

  1. Hey there, stopping by from the Blog Hop! Just wanted to let you know I am now following you via Bloglovin' & GFC! I hope you'll get the chance to visit me :o) You can find me here:

    Blog url
    http://www.croppedstories.blogspot.com

    Bloglovin'
    http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/3718883

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  2. Hahahahahaha!
    I'll take the day camp gift. Not so sure about that jock strap. I'd probably get some dude with an ashy butt.
    -r

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  3. I'll take the camp and the liquor please. Visiting from the hop and so glad I am! Funny stuff.

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    1. we need a mommy camp gull of liquor!! :)

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  4. I love poo pourri! You are the first non-retailer I have met that has ever heard of it! (I am a retailer in my other life)! And the stray hairs, I have way too many...well basically I'll take everything on the list!
    Visiting from Lisa's Hop!

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    Replies
    1. poo pourri is the best shit ever!!! i got a bottle as a gift and my life has been better because of it.

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  5. Oh you just made my day, hilarious! Shared/pinned!

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