Tuesday, April 30, 2013

I take comfort in the fact that my kids are still scared of Santa Claus

On a recent re-run of "Everybody Loves Raymond", Ray goes into his daughter's room in the middle of the night dressed up like Santa... he whispers his kid's name and she wakes up startled but then she's all like, "oh, hi, Santa!" all happy and welcoming... they proceed to have a nice conversation... he kisses her on the forehead and tucks her back into bed before he leaves.

Does no one else find this shit disturbing?!

If that shit woulda happened in my house, my kids woulda screamed bloody fucking murder, y'all!  When the oldest spawn was little, she had nightmares about Santa watching her while she slept. She used to sleep with scissors under her pillow just in case the mother fucker decided to pop in on her.  She was ready to stab a bitch...for real.  And, don't even get me started on the littlest spawn.  She doesn't trust anyone in a costume...gifts or no gifts, she ain't going anywhere near that shit.

Me:  It's a good thing our girls are scared of Santa.

Hubber:  Uh.... ok...

Me:  Because if Santa showed up in their bedroom in the middle of the night, they'd scream for us!

Hubber: You DO know Santa doesn't exist, right?

Me: I don't mean the real Santa, asshole!  I mean, one of those crazyass pedophiles dressed up like Santa!

Hubber: Oh.

Me: If I were a kid snatcher, that's what I would do!  It's the best disguise to lure kids!  I'd do all my dirty work on Christmas Eve.

Hubber:  This is the most fucked up conversation we've had all year.

Me: Seriously, Hub! Think about it!  Kids love Santa (well, most of the normal ones do)... they see Santa in their room on Christmas Eve, they're gonna trust that sonofabitch and go anywhere he tells them to.  Think of the Polar Fucking Express!!  Those kids got on the train in the middle of the night with a stranger!!

Hubber: You're dumb.

Me: Kids are dumb.  From now on, I'm gonna teach my kids to be scared of EVERYTHING!

Hubber: They're one step ahead of you.

And it's true... they're scared of a lot of dumb shit.  Don't you dare let the Chik-Fil-A cow wander anywhere near them... they'll flip their shit.  The littlest spawn is afraid of the dark... so, at night, she wears an eye mask to sleep in. So she can't SEE the dark.  With her eyes closed.  While she's fucking sleeping.

And you people wonder why I drink.


  1. This is the most fucked up conversation we've had all year. And it's only April. I think Hubs has something else to be afraid of!

    My Boo was afraid of grass. It made life so much easier when she was trapped on the porch. Damn occupational therapy fixed that fear now I am always chasing the girl down the street!

  2. Seriously hysterical. My sister's kid is scared of everything, and yes santa too. What I love is that my son's way of trying to make her feel better is by trying to explain how those things aren't real, and that only makes her cry harder! Which one is it kid? Do you love them or hate them??!!

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    @ My Turn for us

  4. Hilarious! Mine is afraid of witches and has taken to sleeping with several swords and some plastic faux ninja throwing stars,just in case! Vodka helps quite a lot. Me. Not him. ;-)

  5. I don't blame him. Witches eat little kids. And, I don't blame you...Vodka is cure-all. Like hydrogen peroxide. And ice packs.

  6. My kid is afraid of anyone in a costume - Sponge Bob, Easter Bunny, etc. Thanks for sharing this @ The Show Off Blog Party!

    The Wondering Brain