Tuesday, April 30, 2013
I take comfort in the fact that my kids are still scared of Santa Claus
Does no one else find this shit disturbing?!
If that shit woulda happened in my house, my kids woulda screamed bloody fucking murder, y'all! When the oldest spawn was little, she had nightmares about Santa watching her while she slept. She used to sleep with scissors under her pillow just in case the mother fucker decided to pop in on her. She was ready to stab a bitch...for real. And, don't even get me started on the littlest spawn. She doesn't trust anyone in a costume...gifts or no gifts, she ain't going anywhere near that shit.
Me: It's a good thing our girls are scared of Santa.
Hubber: Uh.... ok...
Me: Because if Santa showed up in their bedroom in the middle of the night, they'd scream for us!
Hubber: You DO know Santa doesn't exist, right?
Me: I don't mean the real Santa, asshole! I mean, one of those crazyass pedophiles dressed up like Santa!
Me: If I were a kid snatcher, that's what I would do! It's the best disguise to lure kids! I'd do all my dirty work on Christmas Eve.
Hubber: This is the most fucked up conversation we've had all year.
Me: Seriously, Hub! Think about it! Kids love Santa (well, most of the normal ones do)... they see Santa in their room on Christmas Eve, they're gonna trust that sonofabitch and go anywhere he tells them to. Think of the Polar Fucking Express!! Those kids got on the train in the middle of the night with a stranger!!
Hubber: You're dumb.
Me: Kids are dumb. From now on, I'm gonna teach my kids to be scared of EVERYTHING!
Hubber: They're one step ahead of you.
And it's true... they're scared of a lot of dumb shit. Don't you dare let the Chik-Fil-A cow wander anywhere near them... they'll flip their shit. The littlest spawn is afraid of the dark... so, at night, she wears an eye mask to sleep in. So she can't SEE the dark. With her eyes closed. While she's fucking sleeping.
And you people wonder why I drink.