Wednesday, June 5, 2013
It's a bird... it's a plane... NO... It's SUPER ME!
I can be in the noisiest environment imaginable... kids screaming, dog barking, TV blaring, nuclear bomb dropping... and I won't hear a fucking thing. I can type away on my computer and tune it all out. I can even read a book peacefully while thunder rolls, the neighbors beat on drums, my kids slam doors and the my dog howls. No problemo. Unless I hear the word "Mom" in all the commotion, I don't give a rat's ass what's going on around me. Sometimes, I don't even hear "Mom" when I'm deep down in the alternate universe of the superpower.
I can tune the shit out, is what I'm saying.
The only problem is... it falls dormant when I'm asleep. The superpower gets confused when it's too quiet, I think, because it ain't nowhere to be found when I need it most. I can hear a pin drop on a pillow 100 feet away behind a closed door WHEN I'M A-FUCKIN-SLEEP. I have a feeling the god doling out superpowers in Krypton is a really short man with a tiny penis who hates women.
Me: <bolting upright in bed, mid snore, startled beyond belief> What the fuck was that!?
Hubber: You mean, this.... <puts finger on computer mouse and clicks> ?
Me: No... something is going on in the girls' room.
<Hubber goes to check>
Hubber: Your oldest spawn just flushed the toilet. You want me to ground her?
Me: Yes. You people need to learn how to shut the fuck up when I'm trying to sleep!
The asshole neighbors don't make it any easier for me. Hubber will make fun of the fact that I can fall asleep on demand... but what he never mentions is the fact that I wake up every 15 fucking minutes because the dicky god of superpowers put restrictions on my abilities.
Wait a minute.
I just thought of something. Maybe the hearing-pins-dropping-mid-sleep is another superpower! Maybe I'm one of those freak superheros who is burdened with managing TWO powers. Beat that shit, x-men alumni!