Also, 96 upside down is 69. My lucky number! And... I made it six weeks without consuming alcohol. That's gotta be some kind of world record or something. Where's my fucking prize?
During this time, I learned a very important fact: Being sober for long periods of time will give you homicidal tendencies. No joke, people. Why do you think sober people are so fucking loony? It's because they are fighting hard, every second of their lives, not to kill a mother fucker. When you consume adult beverages (in moderation, of course), you enjoy that "I don't really give a fuck" attitude. Which is nice when you're like me, genetically prone to craziness.
My excessive sobriety almost made me kill:
- my neighbors for being inconsiderate assholes every fucking day
- a waiter for accidentally looking like that creepy red-headed guy on CSI Miami
- my daughter's friend for suggesting that I was too fat for my jacket because it wasn't zipped up
- my sister for suggesting that I am fat by asking me to go to the gym with her
- my dog for taking a gazillion hours to find the perfect spot to take a shit
- my nail lady for suggesting that my entire face needed waxing
- the ice cream truck man for charging $2.25 for a fucking popsicle
- the snow plow driver who splashed me with slush when I was scraping ice off my windshield in a fucking blizzard
...and that's just to name a few. So the fact that I'm officially off the bandwagon pretty much means that I bought a one-way ticket to heaven. I'm like Mother Teresa - except way hotter.