Patsy: How are you doing without the booze?
Me: Do you think I'm an alcoholic? Because I most certainly am not. If anyone MIGHT be an alchy it's Hubber. That mofo drinks beer every day! I only have a swig or two of vodka a few times a week.
Hubber: Hey, now. I only drink beer daily because you make me!
Patsy: She MAKES you?
Hubber: Yeah. She's collecting beer bottle caps. She told me I needed to drink at least a six-pack a day in order for her to have enough bottle caps to finish some stupid table thing she's crafting. She did calculations and mapped it all out!
Me: Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. I'm not really going to make a crafted, mosaic bottle-capped table. I just like him when he gets tipsy and dances around the house in him skibbies while the dog howls. It's quite entertaining. And, seeing how we're broke all the time, I have to get my entertainment any way I can!
Patsy: No alcohol.
Me/Hubber: Yes ma'am.
Which reminds me of the very first time I had to swear off of the booze. That time, though, Pasty wasn't there to force me. I did it on my own.
I was 17-years-old and had just broken up with my boyfriend. And by "broken up with", I mean "dumped by". Back then I got dumped a lot. I'm sure they did it because they were intimidated by my intelligence and beauty. They figured I'd be famous some day and I'd end up breaking their hearts when I ran away with Johnny Depp... so they beat me to the punch and dumped my ass early on. Back in those days I was a real drama queen (boy, how times have changed). Usually, REVENGE was my cure for the blues. What better way to avenge my broken heart than by crashing a house party with a bottle of tequila in one hand and a hot dude (who drove a Camero) in the other?
Turned out, the joke was on me that night. The last thing I remember clearly is seeing my ex with some big-boobied floozie and deciding I'd spend the rest of the night taking tequila shots and swapping spit with the Camero Boy. After that, the night is a complete blur. At one point, my legs gave out on me and I fell on my knees and I blanked out. When I came to, I was in a strange bed, wearing a Depeche Mode concert shirt that was too tight and Camero Boy was cleaning someone's vomit up off the floor. I picked up the phone near the bed and called one of my girlfriends to tell her that someone at the party had stolen my shirt. Then, I blanked out again. I woke up the next morning in my own bed with bloody knees wearing nothing but my panties.
That was when I swore off tequila. I was married with children the next time I ever drank nearly that much alcohol in one sitting....but I'll save that story for another time. Suffice it to say that it also involved vomit and nudity. And not in a good way (unless you're Hubber).
My point here (if there really is one) is the fact that I can't have booze right now isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm probably performing a public service.
But, y'all better watch out! When I get to hit the bottle again, I'm gonna hog wild!
I wonder what ever became of Camero boy..