Showing posts with label i don't give a shit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label i don't give a shit. Show all posts

How NOT Drinking Alcohol Can Kill a Mofo

Much to Patsy's dismay, I recently fell off the wagon.  Well, it wasn't really to her dismay in that I never actually TOLD her I started boozing it up again.  But, if she DID know, that heifer would be dismayed for sure.  Know what I say to that?  Fuck it.  Fuck Patsy and her skinny ass self.  I did my research, bitch!  A single shot of straight vodka only contains 100 calories... and ZERO sugars.  That's right.  NO SUGAR.  And, according to Lance Armstrong's peeps, wine has even fewer calories.  At first I was like, "should I trust Lance's peeps?  Lance is a crack whore... maybe I should do some fact checking"... so I dug a little deeper and found some amazing news from the Calorie King. Only 96 calories in 80 proof vodka!  If the fucking king of calories says it, it must be so!

Also, 96 upside down is 69.  My lucky number! And... I made it six weeks without consuming alcohol. That's gotta be some kind of world record or something.  Where's my fucking prize?

During this time, I learned a very important fact: Being sober for long periods of time will give you homicidal tendencies.  No joke, people.  Why do you think sober people are so fucking loony?  It's because they are fighting hard, every second of their lives, not to kill a mother fucker.  When you consume adult beverages (in moderation, of course), you enjoy that "I don't really give a fuck" attitude.  Which is nice when you're like me, genetically prone to craziness.

My excessive sobriety almost made me kill:

  1. my neighbors for being inconsiderate assholes every fucking day
  2. a waiter for accidentally looking like that creepy red-headed guy on CSI Miami
  3. my daughter's friend for suggesting that I was too fat for my jacket because it wasn't zipped up
  4. my sister for suggesting that I am fat by asking me to go to the gym with her
  5. my dog for taking a gazillion hours to find the perfect spot to take a shit
  6. my nail lady for suggesting that my entire face needed waxing
  7. the ice cream truck man for charging $2.25 for a fucking popsicle
  8. the snow plow driver who splashed me with slush when I was scraping ice off my windshield in a fucking blizzard
...and that's just to name a few.  So the fact that I'm officially off the bandwagon pretty much means that I bought a one-way ticket to heaven.  I'm like Mother Teresa - except way hotter.

The One-Eyed African Tigers Can Kiss My Ass!

My mom has a lot of time on her hands... she has time for things like cleaning bird cages, pampering plants, collecting dead insects, clipping coupons and reading.  And by reading, I don't mean how-to books or novels or great American literature.  She's filling her brain up with all the injustices of the world.  She has become the know-it-all of every political/social/economic problem of every country in the world.  Let's not leave out animal rights.  She knows all about that shit, too.  The knowledge she has gained from her internet browsing is overflowing her brain's capacity and is literally oozing out of every orifice.  Ok, maybe not literally.  But, she is definitely burdened with finding ways to save the world from itself.  And, I think that shit is contagious because now the littlest spawn feels like she needs to start doing shit to make the world a better place.

Spawn:  Please go to [so-and-so] website immediately and send them $50.

Me: Huh?

Spawn: Don't you care about tigers?  Some only have one eye! They're becoming extinct in Africa!   We can't let that happen.  They only need $50. What is wrong with you?  Go online now!

Me: Where'd you hear about that?

Spawn: There was a commercial about it during Jessie.

Me:  Go read a book or something!  I ain't sending $50 nowhere!

Spawn:  Momo probably cares.  Momo cares about everything... animals... babies... and even the President.  You don't even care about the President!  I'm gonna tell Momo.

Me:  <going to website and ignoring that comment> Let me see here... Ah-Ha!  Looks like if you donate at least $50 they'll send you a stuffed animal.

Spawn: Well, that's what you get for saving a tiger. It's the tiger's way of saying "thank you, I'm alive"

So, naturally, I did what any good parent would do in this situation, I avoided an argument and instead pretended to send them money to get the kid off my damn back.  When I mentioned it to my mother later, she pointed at a tiny stuffed tiger sitting near a stack of mail.  It was the one from the damn commercial.

Me: Seriously?

Mom:  It was for a good cause.

Me:  You're getting kinda loony with this stuff, Momma.

Mom:  I'm just doing my part because I can.  There is so much injustice in the world.  Did you sign all those petitions I sent you over email?

Me: Uhm.  Yeah.

Mom:  You didn't, did you?  You need to.....

.....that was when I tuned out.  I saw her mouth moving and the passion in her expressions as she tried to convince me that I should be more of an activist.  But, I honestly didn't hear a word.  Crickets.  That's what I heard.

I ain't got time for that shit, Momma!  I'm too busy trying to keep my own damn self alive. Forget the one-eyed tigers in Africa! It's all I can do to make it through each day without dying or killing someone.  I ain't got time for petitions and letters to my congressmen and whatnot.  And those starving kids in China?  Sorry!  I got two starving kids at home to worry about!  Oil drilling in Alaska?  Huh?  I don't give a rat's ass!

The world is a fucked-up and unfair place.  I find bliss in ignorance.

Suck it up tiger! If a bear can wear a
patch over his missing eye, you can too!

On a side note: On my way out of my mom's house that day, I snagged that stuffed tiger up quick and shoved it into my purse.  The tiny spawn was thrilled to learn that she had indeed saved a tiger.  And, I saved my sanity along with $50. Win-win in my book.