The older I get, the more I wish I was still an ignorant kid. For some fucked up reason, my parents feel the need to share WAY too much information about their personal lives. Overhearing a conversation between me and my sister about lady boners and taco rubbing isn't an invitation for my mother to share her favorite foreplay activities. I do not want to know that old people bump uglies. That's the shit nightmares are made of! (Or blog posts, as the case may be.) I also don't want to see my dad squeeze my mom's boob or smack her ass while we are ALL in the kitchen preparing MEALS FOR CHILDREN! Get a room, mofos!!
But it wasn't until the other day that I first realized that my parents are a lot freakier than I could ever have imagined. It all started when my mom, sister and I were waiting for my dad to be wheeled back into his hospital room. He had just had spinal surgery. When they brought him in, he was still dopey from the anesthesia. Sis and I were all like, 'oh, poor dad...'. But not mom. Oh, no. That heifer waddled (she uses a cane) over to his bedside and started thumping him all over his face saying, "Babe, are you awake <thump>.... Helloooo <thump>.... can you hear me <thump>?"
Sis and I just stood there shocked, mouths gaping open. WTF?! She was THUMPING him!
Sis: Uh. Mom?
Mom: <ignoring us> Baaaabe... can you hear me?
Sis: Mom, why are you thumping him??
Mom: What? Oh, you mean this: <thump>? That's not a thump, that's a love tap.
A. LOVE. TAP. On a man who just had spinal surgery and was laying there all pathetic and helpless.
That's when I first thought, 'something just ain't right' with those two.
But, it's what happened the next day that made me realize I was raised by sexual sadists!
So, there I was sitting in Dad's room chatting about how he was feeling. He was out of bed, sitting in a chair. He was feeling great! Then, Mom and Sis walk into the room. We say all our "hi's" and "good morning's". That's when Mom waddled over to hug Dad. We weren't concerned for his life or anything... it's not like she's some serial killer... she's just a 4'11", cute, petite little thing.... what kind of damage can her hug cause? I mean, really. But, she had it in for him. She went right over, hugged him and patted him on this back. Hard. Four times.
HE JUST HAD SPINAL SURGERY.
He screamed out in pain and she was all like, "What's wrong??" We had to tell her that she just patted him roughly on his back WHERE HE HAD SURGERY. "Oh. Sorry, Babe," she said and thumped him on the cheek.
And, y'all wonder why I'm all fucked up.