Kicking Ass in 2010
New Year's Resolutions are evil. I'd like to start a petition to end this nonsense altogether. Because, really, NO ONE ever sticks to their resolutions. Making them only makes you feel like a loser....a failure...a person on the verge of suicide. Fat people want to get skinny. Smokers want to stop smoking. Alcoholics want to save their livers. Sex fiends want to be virgins. Blah Blah BLAH. You know what I want to resolve to doing? Making more money and drinking more booze! Oh, and learning how to kick ass. In case I get abducted or something. I don't want to pack heat, so the least I could do is learn how to stab someone in the neck with my pinky to debilitate them. I know what you're thinking....alls you have to do is knee them in the ball sack. Am I right, ladies? Well, what you probably should consider is that abductors may be on to us. They know that we know that they know that we know their soft spots. So, they wear protection. Like jock straps or something. And what are we left with? Bruised knees and broken toes! That's why surprising them with killer Chuck Norris moves could prove to be more effective. Wait, I hate Chuck Norris. Jackie Chan. Let's go with him. Or, that guy that used to do those Tae-Bo videos?? YEAH! He was tough. I bet no one ever tried to abduct his ass! Or Steven Segal! Or John Claude Van Dam! Or Arnold Schwartzenager back in his Terminator days! Or Daniel Craig. Yeah. No body messes with 007....lest they want to DIE....or have wild, bad boy sex.
What the fuck was I talking about again?
Quilting. It's not just for grannies.
What started out as a wild hair up my ass has turned into this:
I'm doing that by hand, y'all. And I'm pretty damn good at it, too. What I didn't realize is that pre-cut 4" quilting squares can get quite expensive. So, I've gotta buy that shit on ebay because if I'm not careful, it'll start cutting into my booze money. Which, also, is not just for grannies. I'm just saying. The other drawback is that once your family starts figuring out how fucking badass quilts are, they all start putting requests in. The one above is for lil J...but now J wants a blue-themed one to match the walls in her room...and my neice wants one for princesses. Shit. Being crafty sucks sometimes. You know what else sucks? You can buy a brand new, completed quilt on ebay for less than $100. WTF, grannies?! They're devaluing themselves. I've spent at least $100 already and I'm barely (almost) at the halfway point. And when you take into consideration what my time is worth along with my blood, sweat, and tears...I've got to be $13,976.53 in the hole. Give or take. This shit is priceless, y'all! And these damn quilting grannies with their computerized sewing machines are really pissing me off. What happened to the olden days when you quilted by HAND and peeps cherished this crap?
Meanwhile, I'm getting a sewing machine for my birthday! Yessir. Because, fuck it. I'm a sellout, too. I will say, though, that although I plan to use the sewing machine to quilt the top to the backing....I will continue sewing the top squares/designs by hand. Because I'm awesome that way. And I'm not a granny. Yet.
Meanwhile, I'm getting a sewing machine for my birthday! Yessir. Because, fuck it. I'm a sellout, too. I will say, though, that although I plan to use the sewing machine to quilt the top to the backing....I will continue sewing the top squares/designs by hand. Because I'm awesome that way. And I'm not a granny. Yet.
Oh, sweet geezus...
I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing at work this week. The only email I'm getting is spam and the only phone call I got today so far was from my sister. My facebook farm is up-to-date. My facebook sorority is kicking all kinds of beeyotch ass. I'm all caught up on the blogs I like to follow. I skimmed the newspaper from cover to cover. I've had three cups of coffee. I took a long lunch. I painted my toenails. Twice. I cleaned out my inbox. And, it's barely 2:00. What a totally productive work day!
In other news, Christmas is behind us and we survived with minimal drama and maximum damage to the checkbook. So much for saving money for braces. Now, the new year is on its way and I'm hoping to ring it in with minimal debauchery and maximum rest and relaxation...preferably in front of a roaring fire with a hot mug of "coffee" in my hands and pure trash on TV.
I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing at work this week. The only email I'm getting is spam and the only phone call I got today so far was from my sister. My facebook farm is up-to-date. My facebook sorority is kicking all kinds of beeyotch ass. I'm all caught up on the blogs I like to follow. I skimmed the newspaper from cover to cover. I've had three cups of coffee. I took a long lunch. I painted my toenails. Twice. I cleaned out my inbox. And, it's barely 2:00. What a totally productive work day!
In other news, Christmas is behind us and we survived with minimal drama and maximum damage to the checkbook. So much for saving money for braces. Now, the new year is on its way and I'm hoping to ring it in with minimal debauchery and maximum rest and relaxation...preferably in front of a roaring fire with a hot mug of "coffee" in my hands and pure trash on TV.
A thump on the head is just what you get...
This morning I woke up to a thump on the head. Not the soft buzzing of the alarm clock. Not the sweet, gentle massaging of Hubber's hands on my back. Not the warm sunshine spilling through the blinds. Not the dreamy voice of Elvis Presley. But a THUMP. On my forehead. Which left a mark.
Me: What the fuck, Hubber?! Oh, shit, what time is it?
Hubber: That was for being an evil, EVIL dream wife.
Me: A WHAT?!
Hubber: In my dream. You were an evil bitch.
Me: So, you thumped the real me? The one who bore your children? The one who washes your fucking laundry?! The one who scratches your back until it bleeds?
Hubber: You deserved it.
Me: What'd I do?
Hubber: You accepted and KEPT christmas gifts from male admirers....even when I asked you to get rid of that shit.
Me: What kind of gifts were they?
Hubber: Beef jerky and jellies.
Me: Jellies? Like the badass shoes I wore when I was 8?
Hubber: No, jellies, like the jars of JELLY that you EAT.
Me: Hmmm. I do like me some beef jerky and jellies. Were they from Woody's Smokehouse?
Hubber: *thump*
Me: What the fuck?!
Hubber: THAT was for being an evil REAL wife.
Me: I WOULD share my jerky with you if you'd quit thumping me.
Hubber: I asked the dream you to share and you said haaaell no.
Me: That sounds like something that evil wench would say. What a bitch. Here, I'll thump you and you can pass it on to her in your dream next time she appears. *thump*
I barely made it out of bed alive.
This morning I woke up to a thump on the head. Not the soft buzzing of the alarm clock. Not the sweet, gentle massaging of Hubber's hands on my back. Not the warm sunshine spilling through the blinds. Not the dreamy voice of Elvis Presley. But a THUMP. On my forehead. Which left a mark.
Me: What the fuck, Hubber?! Oh, shit, what time is it?
Hubber: That was for being an evil, EVIL dream wife.
Me: A WHAT?!
Hubber: In my dream. You were an evil bitch.
Me: So, you thumped the real me? The one who bore your children? The one who washes your fucking laundry?! The one who scratches your back until it bleeds?
Hubber: You deserved it.
Me: What'd I do?
Hubber: You accepted and KEPT christmas gifts from male admirers....even when I asked you to get rid of that shit.
Me: What kind of gifts were they?
Hubber: Beef jerky and jellies.
Me: Jellies? Like the badass shoes I wore when I was 8?
Hubber: No, jellies, like the jars of JELLY that you EAT.
Me: Hmmm. I do like me some beef jerky and jellies. Were they from Woody's Smokehouse?
Hubber: *thump*
Me: What the fuck?!
Hubber: THAT was for being an evil REAL wife.
Me: I WOULD share my jerky with you if you'd quit thumping me.
Hubber: I asked the dream you to share and you said haaaell no.
Me: That sounds like something that evil wench would say. What a bitch. Here, I'll thump you and you can pass it on to her in your dream next time she appears. *thump*
I barely made it out of bed alive.
When life hands you shit, make shitrus.
So, around this time every year for the past 12 years my employer has bestowed upon me lavish gifts of gold, frankencense and myrrh. And every year, I've pawned that shit for badass Christmas presents and shoes and handbags and panties and booze. I was even able to squirrel some of it away for a rainy day in June when all the junk I bought in December got old and I needed new shit to make me feel adequate and refreshed again. But this year, the economy has forced said employer to rape us and beat us upside our heads and whip us into submission and only reward us with copper pennies and half-assed pats on the back. And we bow our heads in thanks while we take whatever we can get, lest we shalt be unemployed on the streets begging for change.
So, now Hubber and I are scrounging, lying, cheating and stealing to celebrate the spirit of the season. My kids could give a rat's ass about baby Jesus and the three wise men and all that shit. Christmas is about the PRESENTS. Period. And they just don't want trinkets and whatnot, they want ponies and bulldogs and tiaras and mink stoles and cashmere sweaters and prada handbags! Oh, wait. Wrong list. They want Juicy Couture necklaces and James Avery rings and Abercrombie and Fitch hoodies and Wii games and iPhones! Mama's not made out of money, you upity wenches!!
I need to find ways to make more money. I would try loaning my kids out as maids, but they can't clean to save their damn lives. I think the most profitable way would be to auction Hubber off to the highest bidder. Need an escort? A pool man? A bartender? A foot massager? A fire starter? A jar opener? I roach stomper? Hubber's your man!
So, around this time every year for the past 12 years my employer has bestowed upon me lavish gifts of gold, frankencense and myrrh. And every year, I've pawned that shit for badass Christmas presents and shoes and handbags and panties and booze. I was even able to squirrel some of it away for a rainy day in June when all the junk I bought in December got old and I needed new shit to make me feel adequate and refreshed again. But this year, the economy has forced said employer to rape us and beat us upside our heads and whip us into submission and only reward us with copper pennies and half-assed pats on the back. And we bow our heads in thanks while we take whatever we can get, lest we shalt be unemployed on the streets begging for change.
So, now Hubber and I are scrounging, lying, cheating and stealing to celebrate the spirit of the season. My kids could give a rat's ass about baby Jesus and the three wise men and all that shit. Christmas is about the PRESENTS. Period. And they just don't want trinkets and whatnot, they want ponies and bulldogs and tiaras and mink stoles and cashmere sweaters and prada handbags! Oh, wait. Wrong list. They want Juicy Couture necklaces and James Avery rings and Abercrombie and Fitch hoodies and Wii games and iPhones! Mama's not made out of money, you upity wenches!!
I need to find ways to make more money. I would try loaning my kids out as maids, but they can't clean to save their damn lives. I think the most profitable way would be to auction Hubber off to the highest bidder. Need an escort? A pool man? A bartender? A foot massager? A fire starter? A jar opener? I roach stomper? Hubber's your man!
Ho Ho Ho!
I don't usually do my Christmas shopping online because, contrary to popular belief, I am a gift buying procrastinator. I hate shopping. Let me take that back. I hate shopping for other people. Because, recall: I am a selfish bitch. And because I don't think other people are worth all the time and energy and EFFORT it takes for me to drag my fat ass through the crowds this time of year. Plus, I have this anxiety thing that attacks me if I'm around hoards of fucktards. So, to avoid the high drama, I decided to try to buy as much as possible online this year. And now, I have a few new found hatreds...because there isn't enough shit on the list of things I hate. First of all, shipping and handling fees are out of fucking control. And FREE shipping only applies to shit that is expected to arrive 23 days AFTER Christmas. WTF, internet stores?! Second of all, Amazon.com will TELL you they have 61 VTech Kiddiezoom cameras available in pink...so you'll put the shit in your cart and keep shopping. But when you go to check-out and they announce, "Hello, you gullible, dumbass bitch! We don't ACTUALLY have the camera in stock at the moment, but we'll have one on December 26 and can ship it to you on January 2." What the hell am I supposed to do with that? Put an I.O.U. under the tree for a toddler who CAN'T FUCKING READ? Bitches. Then, to make matters worse, Amazon.com does not let you remove shit from your cart once you've gotten to that point...so if you're not a nerd like me and you fail to read this little note about the "not currently in stock" bullshit at during check-out, you will be real sad when your shipment comes in and there will be many tears and hissy fits from your kid on Christmas morning. So....take heed, people. READ that shit before you click "process my order." You're welcome.
Ok. I'm gonna get off my soap box now. Because, ya'll! It's almost Christmas! This is my favorite time of the year - well, second to my birthday week(s)! The weather in Houston has been surprisingly "wintery", too, which makes it even more fabulous because we've been able to turn the fireplace on...and drink spiked hot beverages...and walk around in fuzzy slippers...and put our really cold feet on Hubber's warm belly. It's awesome!
I don't usually do my Christmas shopping online because, contrary to popular belief, I am a gift buying procrastinator. I hate shopping. Let me take that back. I hate shopping for other people. Because, recall: I am a selfish bitch. And because I don't think other people are worth all the time and energy and EFFORT it takes for me to drag my fat ass through the crowds this time of year. Plus, I have this anxiety thing that attacks me if I'm around hoards of fucktards. So, to avoid the high drama, I decided to try to buy as much as possible online this year. And now, I have a few new found hatreds...because there isn't enough shit on the list of things I hate. First of all, shipping and handling fees are out of fucking control. And FREE shipping only applies to shit that is expected to arrive 23 days AFTER Christmas. WTF, internet stores?! Second of all, Amazon.com will TELL you they have 61 VTech Kiddiezoom cameras available in pink...so you'll put the shit in your cart and keep shopping. But when you go to check-out and they announce, "Hello, you gullible, dumbass bitch! We don't ACTUALLY have the camera in stock at the moment, but we'll have one on December 26 and can ship it to you on January 2." What the hell am I supposed to do with that? Put an I.O.U. under the tree for a toddler who CAN'T FUCKING READ? Bitches. Then, to make matters worse, Amazon.com does not let you remove shit from your cart once you've gotten to that point...so if you're not a nerd like me and you fail to read this little note about the "not currently in stock" bullshit at during check-out, you will be real sad when your shipment comes in and there will be many tears and hissy fits from your kid on Christmas morning. So....take heed, people. READ that shit before you click "process my order." You're welcome.
Ok. I'm gonna get off my soap box now. Because, ya'll! It's almost Christmas! This is my favorite time of the year - well, second to my birthday week(s)! The weather in Houston has been surprisingly "wintery", too, which makes it even more fabulous because we've been able to turn the fireplace on...and drink spiked hot beverages...and walk around in fuzzy slippers...and put our really cold feet on Hubber's warm belly. It's awesome!
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