A thump on the head is just what you get... 

This morning I woke up to a thump on the head.  Not the soft buzzing of the alarm clock.  Not the sweet, gentle massaging of Hubber's hands on my back.  Not the warm sunshine spilling through the blinds. Not the dreamy voice of Elvis Presley. But a THUMP.  On my forehead.  Which left a mark. 

Me: What the fuck, Hubber?!  Oh, shit, what time is it?

Hubber: That was for being an evil, EVIL dream wife.

Me: A WHAT?!

Hubber: In my dream.  You were an evil bitch. 

Me: So, you thumped the real me?  The one who bore your children? The one who washes your fucking laundry?! The one who scratches your back until it bleeds?

Hubber: You deserved it.

Me: What'd I do?

Hubber: You accepted and KEPT christmas gifts from male admirers....even when I asked you to get rid of that shit.

Me: What kind of gifts were they?

Hubber: Beef jerky and jellies.

Me: Jellies? Like the badass shoes I wore when I was 8?

Hubber: No, jellies, like the jars of JELLY that you EAT.

Me: Hmmm. I do like me some beef jerky and jellies. Were they from Woody's Smokehouse?

Hubber: *thump*

Me: What the fuck?!

Hubber: THAT was for being an evil REAL wife.

Me: I WOULD share my jerky with you if you'd quit thumping me.

Hubber: I asked the dream you to share and you said haaaell no.

Me: That sounds like something that evil wench would say.  What a bitch.  Here, I'll thump you and you can pass it on to her in your dream next time she appears. *thump*

I barely made it out of bed alive.