Sunday, December 6, 2009

My Momma Mantra is "Do as I say, not as I do."

My kids are fucking doomed, y'all. I don't think I should have ever spawned children given the the fact(s) that...

1. I don't even LIKE kids.

2. I fucking cuss all the damn time.

3. The smell of shit makes me GAG.

4. I'm a selfish bitch.

5. I have a very, VERY low tollerance for groups of kids (2 or more) congregating in one place.

6. I have an even lower tolerance for asshole parents who think their kids are more special than everyone elses.

7. I hate Chuck-e-Cheese (or any variation thereof).

8. I am useless with the whole "scared of the dark" calming-kids-down thing because I'm fucking scared of the dark, too! And monsters? Shit...I am scared of those, too! I ain't checking the damn closet or under the bed for those bastages. I don't even let my foot dangle off the edge of the bed for fear that fucking Freddie Krueger is going to have my ass for dinner. Although, I guess if Freddie wanted me...it wouldn't even matter if my foot was dangling or if it was covered
up because he'll get me in my dreams either way. Which also scares the living shit out of me. Ohh...and aliens. I hate them, too. That reminds me of our trip to Roswell, NM. Actually, we didn't go TO Roswell on purpose...we drove through it on the way home from Colorado and spent one night there. Those people are fucking weird. I think they've all been abducted and returned to scare tourists. We all plugged our assholes with ear plugs that night, just in case. And there were tons of bugs there... you know, like on Men in Black? Akk. Which leads me to the next fact that makes me a shitty parent...

9. I don't kill bugs....and I freak the fuck out around frogs and worms and lizard-type things of any kind. That includes geckos. And roaches. And beetles. And roaches. I HATE roaches! Especially the big, juicy, flying ones! I'll scream like a little baby if one tries to attack. Which, therefore makes me useless to my children.

10. I drink a lot of adult beverages.

11. I sneak money out of the Disney World fund bucket to buy coffee. And shoes. And girl scout cookies. (Just kidding on that last one....just thought I'd throw it in there to make me seem like less of an asshole.)

12. I rarely cook dinner.

13. I rarely cook lunch.

14. As a matter-of-fact, I rarely cook. Period. (But when I do, it's fucking awesome, y'all.)

15. And last, but certainly not least: I hate cleaning up after people. Including myself. In fact, the only "cleaning" I don't so much mind is doing laundry. Unless it smells like ass or rotten feet. In which case, I fucking hate doing laundry.

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