I don't get PAID to write entries in this blog. This is my OUTLET... my escape from all my fabulous clients... the ones who pay my bills and keep snazzy shoes on my feet. So, you won't find me pimping out any weird companies here...nor will you find me linking to random crap I think you need to buy. Instead... we shall have FUN here, people! You hear me? FUN! So, let me vent and feel free to tell me to shut the hell up whenever I get carried away. (That will probably never happen.)
I DO blog for money, too, though. But, since I get paid for it, I can't necessarily attach my name to it because then all my fans will think I'm square. And, Momma ain't square, y'all... she can just write like a square. Now, that right there is TALENT.
Serious Client: Every blog posting should use keywords relevant to what we do.
Me: Well, duh.
Stern Client: I mean it. No one cares about your slobbery dog or your snot-nosed kids.
Me: Seriously? Everyone cares about that stuff. They even want to know what I eat for breakfast, how I take my coffee and what color my toe nails are painted.
Stern and Serious Client: Stick to the KEYWORDS.
Me: Keywords are overrated. I'm the world's next BIG thing! I'm like Mandonna (except I can't sing and my arms are flabby) or Christina Aguilera (except I know the words to the National Anthem) or Fergie (except I don't have a ding dong in my pants)!
Client with $$: Keywords or you’re fired.
*click*
Me: You’re the boss!
That's how shit goes down when people are paying me to write. I do as I'm told. Momma needs new shoes and handbags, and that stuff doesn’t just buy itself, you know. I need these jobs. And, for the record… my dog doesn’t slobber that much and my kids only have snotty noses when they’re sick or when they sleep under a ceiling fan covered in dust bunnies.
New Job = New Blog
So, I landed this one big writing gig.... and just as my ego was inflating to astronomical proportions, I was brought back to Earth where I am merely one of 376 gazillion other writers who are probably way more qualified than I am to be doing this. It happened the other day when I asked my new client to help me write a little ditty for an upcoming press release about my skills (because having ME as a contractor is freakin' newsworthy, y'all!). Here was his reply:
Meet our newest writer:
Tamara is a snarky heifer who is lucky to have found us. She curses and screams and rants and raves about the silliest, most nonsensical crap you can imagine. How she has managed to remain gainfully employed all of these years is beyond us. Anyway, we decided we would “man-up” and do the world a favor by taking her off of the unemployment market. We now monopolize all her free time with tasks related to managing our corporate communications. She’s not the best person money could buy, but she is certainly one of the cheapest – for a start-up company, saving money is essential. Plus, she’s kind of cute when she prances around in her tiara, she rarely trips over her own two feet and most times she even finishes a complete thought when she writes. Also, she can wiggle her ears and chew with her mouth closed; both outstanding qualities in an employee. That being said, we won’t make any promises of enlightenment or life-altering experiences through her writing. Enjoy! And, please send comments, complaints, suggestions, hate-mail, and/or threats directly to her at tamarah0809@hotmail.com. If she breaks the law or offends anyone, we don't know her.
Yeah. So, at first I wanted to punch him in the throat for his so-called compliments... until I realized he had done me a huge favor! He blessed me with the name for my new blog.... SNARKY HEIFER. Thanks, dude!
That's "Princess Snarky Heifer" to you!
My Old Blog
Wanna wander around through my life before The Snarky Heifer? Find old blog postings here: http://blissfullymetoo.blogspot.com
Spring Break 2011 - Day 4
Mood: Relieved
Outlook: Excited
GPS Coordinates: Destin, FL....I'm too fucking lazy right now to look it up
Toddler Quote of the Day: "Yes ma'am, mamacita!"
We drove for 7.5 hours...leaving BFE to sample a little bit of paradise. It's gorgeous in Destin, y'all. The water is too cold for splashing around in, but it's sunny and in the 70's. The girls and I played with the alligators when we got here, then we cleaned Walmart out of all their dumbass beach toys to prepare for Day 5's plans of lounging on the beach.
Outlook: Excited
GPS Coordinates: Destin, FL....I'm too fucking lazy right now to look it up
Toddler Quote of the Day: "Yes ma'am, mamacita!"
We drove for 7.5 hours...leaving BFE to sample a little bit of paradise. It's gorgeous in Destin, y'all. The water is too cold for splashing around in, but it's sunny and in the 70's. The girls and I played with the alligators when we got here, then we cleaned Walmart out of all their dumbass beach toys to prepare for Day 5's plans of lounging on the beach.
Spring Break 2011 - Day 3
Mood: Mentally Drained
Outlook: Hopeful
GPS Coordinates: Still in BFE
Toddler Quote of the Day: "Am I supposed to say 'excuse me' after I fart?"
Given the fact that visiting Grandma's house was sucking the big one, we decided we needed to check out a little earlier than planned. So...instead of leaving BFE on Day 5, we decided to get the fuck outta here on day 4....that's tomorrow.... and it can't come any sooner. I don't even want to recap the events of the day... instead, I'm looking forward to tomorrow around 4pm. This is when the girls and I will arrive in Destin, FL to lounge on the beach for two days. I've got an umbrella and a cocktail calling my name... I can hear it all the way over here in BFE. Move outta my way, fellow driving bitches.... I gotsta get my drink on!
Outlook: Hopeful
GPS Coordinates: Still in BFE
Toddler Quote of the Day: "Am I supposed to say 'excuse me' after I fart?"
Given the fact that visiting Grandma's house was sucking the big one, we decided we needed to check out a little earlier than planned. So...instead of leaving BFE on Day 5, we decided to get the fuck outta here on day 4....that's tomorrow.... and it can't come any sooner. I don't even want to recap the events of the day... instead, I'm looking forward to tomorrow around 4pm. This is when the girls and I will arrive in Destin, FL to lounge on the beach for two days. I've got an umbrella and a cocktail calling my name... I can hear it all the way over here in BFE. Move outta my way, fellow driving bitches.... I gotsta get my drink on!
Spring Break 2011 - Day 2
Mood: Exhausted
Outlook: Life Sucks Hairy Ass
GPS Coordinates: BFE
Toddler Quote of the Day: "I talk a lot and I'm smart."
We spent the first part of the day waking up. Literally. The whole changing time zones during daylight savings time has totally fucked us up. We don't know when to fall asleep, and evidently we don't know when to wake up, either. When we finally got our shit together, we hit the road again. I think that's a song. Or it should be.
Just when I was praising her diligence, Maggie (GPS) reverted to her bitchy self. She sent us through the Florida ghetto on an empty tank. Then, she proceeded to tell us that the "arrival time" had passed even though we hadn't reached our destination. Had it not been for the two witnesses in the backseat, I would have strangled that bitch before throwing her out the window.
We finally made it to Grandma's house. Since childhood, that place has mysteriously turned into the Twilight Zone. All the [very tightly] hidden secrets are now all out in the open for everyone to see. They slapped me in the face and sunk their rotten teeth into my skin. It's a sad, sad state of affairs. I can hardly wait to get back on the road.
Outlook: Life Sucks Hairy Ass
GPS Coordinates: BFE
Toddler Quote of the Day: "I talk a lot and I'm smart."
We spent the first part of the day waking up. Literally. The whole changing time zones during daylight savings time has totally fucked us up. We don't know when to fall asleep, and evidently we don't know when to wake up, either. When we finally got our shit together, we hit the road again. I think that's a song. Or it should be.
Just when I was praising her diligence, Maggie (GPS) reverted to her bitchy self. She sent us through the Florida ghetto on an empty tank. Then, she proceeded to tell us that the "arrival time" had passed even though we hadn't reached our destination. Had it not been for the two witnesses in the backseat, I would have strangled that bitch before throwing her out the window.
We finally made it to Grandma's house. Since childhood, that place has mysteriously turned into the Twilight Zone. All the [very tightly] hidden secrets are now all out in the open for everyone to see. They slapped me in the face and sunk their rotten teeth into my skin. It's a sad, sad state of affairs. I can hardly wait to get back on the road.
On a brighter note.... child abuse is running rampant up in here....
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