I hate volunteering at my kids' schools. What's the deal with all the psycho moms who pretend to enjoy that crap? I hate baking cookies and cutting stenciled crap out of construction paper and I wouldn't be caught dead in a mini van with those dumbass kid sport stickers on the rear windshield. Don't even get me started on the "honor roll" kids.
Oldest Spawn: Look Mom, I got an honor roll sticker for your car!
Me: Uhmmmm.
Oldest Spawn: Where shall I stick it?
Me: You don't REALLY want me to answer that, right?
Oldest Spawn: Mooooo-oooom! Aren't you proud?
Me: Of course I'm proud, but that shiz is not going on my car....
Youngest Spawn: Your sticker is dumb, Sis.
Amen, mini-me! Finally, someone who understands.
Maybe my problem is that I suck at cooking. And, my crafting skills are pretty limited. Also, stickers don't stay stuck to my car's window because the glass is too dirty. If it weren't for the gazillion dollars I'm going to make pimping out these clients, I wouldn't have much going for me. Need a pimp?
did someone say Vegas? DEAL me in!
I'm not really a gambler, but I do love to watch other people blow their dough. Vegas is perfect for that. Most airlines have great deals on flights and hotel rates are discounted all the time. So, when my sister asked me if I wanted to plan a trip to Vegas with her, I was all over it like flies on dog crap! Where's my favorite pair of skank-ho heels?! Also, Momma needs a new handbag. I wonder if the Thunda From Down Unda are still shaking their dingalings? I better take a stack of dollar bills with me, just in case.
are they SOCIAL site lurkers or peeping toms?
Some call them lurkers, I call them Peeping Toms. Whatever you call them, people who stalk others online are creepy. I did one of those "see who's looking at your profile" things on Facebook today and the results were disconcerting. Are those things even accurate? Don't answer that. I believe in them, just like I believe in my horoscope and the amazing clients I write for. Anyway, as it turns out, all my best, good buddies don't give a rat's ass about me. My number one peeper was a cousin of a friend's husband... my number two was my third grade teacher and my third was Arian Foster. None of whom I have chatted with ONCE since friending them. I went ahead and defriended the first two - just in case they have homicidal tendencies. Mr. Foster can peep all he wants! Who cares if he looks like he's posing for a mugshot in most of his pictures?!
Momma's got a brand new blog
I don't get PAID to write entries in this blog. This is my OUTLET... my escape from all my fabulous clients... the ones who pay my bills and keep snazzy shoes on my feet. So, you won't find me pimping out any weird companies here...nor will you find me linking to random crap I think you need to buy. Instead... we shall have FUN here, people! You hear me? FUN! So, let me vent and feel free to tell me to shut the hell up whenever I get carried away. (That will probably never happen.)
I DO blog for money, too, though. But, since I get paid for it, I can't necessarily attach my name to it because then all my fans will think I'm square. And, Momma ain't square, y'all... she can just write like a square. Now, that right there is TALENT.
Serious Client: Every blog posting should use keywords relevant to what we do.
Me: Well, duh.
Stern Client: I mean it. No one cares about your slobbery dog or your snot-nosed kids.
Me: Seriously? Everyone cares about that stuff. They even want to know what I eat for breakfast, how I take my coffee and what color my toe nails are painted.
Stern and Serious Client: Stick to the KEYWORDS.
Me: Keywords are overrated. I'm the world's next BIG thing! I'm like Mandonna (except I can't sing and my arms are flabby) or Christina Aguilera (except I know the words to the National Anthem) or Fergie (except I don't have a ding dong in my pants)!
Client with $$: Keywords or you’re fired.
*click*
Me: You’re the boss!
That's how shit goes down when people are paying me to write. I do as I'm told. Momma needs new shoes and handbags, and that stuff doesn’t just buy itself, you know. I need these jobs. And, for the record… my dog doesn’t slobber that much and my kids only have snotty noses when they’re sick or when they sleep under a ceiling fan covered in dust bunnies.
I DO blog for money, too, though. But, since I get paid for it, I can't necessarily attach my name to it because then all my fans will think I'm square. And, Momma ain't square, y'all... she can just write like a square. Now, that right there is TALENT.
Serious Client: Every blog posting should use keywords relevant to what we do.
Me: Well, duh.
Stern Client: I mean it. No one cares about your slobbery dog or your snot-nosed kids.
Me: Seriously? Everyone cares about that stuff. They even want to know what I eat for breakfast, how I take my coffee and what color my toe nails are painted.
Stern and Serious Client: Stick to the KEYWORDS.
Me: Keywords are overrated. I'm the world's next BIG thing! I'm like Mandonna (except I can't sing and my arms are flabby) or Christina Aguilera (except I know the words to the National Anthem) or Fergie (except I don't have a ding dong in my pants)!
Client with $$: Keywords or you’re fired.
*click*
Me: You’re the boss!
That's how shit goes down when people are paying me to write. I do as I'm told. Momma needs new shoes and handbags, and that stuff doesn’t just buy itself, you know. I need these jobs. And, for the record… my dog doesn’t slobber that much and my kids only have snotty noses when they’re sick or when they sleep under a ceiling fan covered in dust bunnies.
New Job = New Blog
So, I landed this one big writing gig.... and just as my ego was inflating to astronomical proportions, I was brought back to Earth where I am merely one of 376 gazillion other writers who are probably way more qualified than I am to be doing this. It happened the other day when I asked my new client to help me write a little ditty for an upcoming press release about my skills (because having ME as a contractor is freakin' newsworthy, y'all!). Here was his reply:
Meet our newest writer:
Tamara is a snarky heifer who is lucky to have found us. She curses and screams and rants and raves about the silliest, most nonsensical crap you can imagine. How she has managed to remain gainfully employed all of these years is beyond us. Anyway, we decided we would “man-up” and do the world a favor by taking her off of the unemployment market. We now monopolize all her free time with tasks related to managing our corporate communications. She’s not the best person money could buy, but she is certainly one of the cheapest – for a start-up company, saving money is essential. Plus, she’s kind of cute when she prances around in her tiara, she rarely trips over her own two feet and most times she even finishes a complete thought when she writes. Also, she can wiggle her ears and chew with her mouth closed; both outstanding qualities in an employee. That being said, we won’t make any promises of enlightenment or life-altering experiences through her writing. Enjoy! And, please send comments, complaints, suggestions, hate-mail, and/or threats directly to her at tamarah0809@hotmail.com. If she breaks the law or offends anyone, we don't know her.
Yeah. So, at first I wanted to punch him in the throat for his so-called compliments... until I realized he had done me a huge favor! He blessed me with the name for my new blog.... SNARKY HEIFER. Thanks, dude!
That's "Princess Snarky Heifer" to you!
My Old Blog
Wanna wander around through my life before The Snarky Heifer? Find old blog postings here: http://blissfullymetoo.blogspot.com
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