The dummy husband’s guide to a peaceful marriage

#1: When being intimate, do not, under any circumstances, attempt to multi-task.
On one occasion, Hubber reached for the remote during a very intimate moment. When I stared at him in total astonishment, he said, “Sorry, Honey, I was just turning it off so we wouldn't be distracted.” But he turned the channel twice before hitting the power button for crying out loud!

#2: Learn what your jobs are around the house, do them well, and don’t wait to be asked to do them.This is an easy one. Take out the trash in a timely manner… don’t wait until it’s overflowing and ants are crawling around in the kitchen. Take care of the vehicles… get them washed, inspected, tuned up, oil changed, tires rotated, etc. If you don’t, your wife will probably ask her dad to do it… and you don’t want the Father-in-law thinking you’re not taking care of his little girl. Cut the grass. Keep the child out of the wife’s hair when a) she’s in the bathroom – be it showering, pooping, peeing or just washing up; b) she is slaving over a hot stove; c) she is reading; d) she is on the phone/computer; d) she is walking around the house with scowl on her face.

#3: If you really don’t want to help, don’t offer. Even if you’re offering help just to be nice, expecting the wife to say, “No thanks, Honey, I’ve got it all under control.” The other day while I was cooking, Hubber came into the kitchen and asked, “What can I help with?” I told him he could unload the dishwasher, then load it up again, then chop up some lettuce and cucumbers for a salad. He stood there for a few seconds and said, “oh… uhm… why don’t I just take out the trash?” Oh… so NOW he remembers the damn trash! The last time he asked if he could help, I wanted to preface my answer to his shady offer by asking, “Do you REALLY want to help?” But that would have only made things worse because there’s no right answer to that question. If he had said “yes,” I would have thought he’s a lying weasel. If he had said “no,” I would have been angry at his brutal honesty and total disregard for all I do to make the household run so smoothly. So, to keep things simple, I asked him to take out the trash, bring in the mail and help J with her computer problem.

#4: Kill all bugs and dispose of them properly. Do not shove the squashed bug under the wife’s nose… and do not run around the house scaring the kid with it. Most importantly, if YOU are scared of the bug, too, do NOT let your family know it. Be brave. Don’t be a girly-man. Kill the bug, and move on with your life. We like to fantasize that that you’re a superhero, saving the day.

#5: Guilt-trips can only be had, not given. I think this is a very simple lesson to learn. Do not, ever, ever, ever attempt to make your wife feel guilty for something. The number one way to keep peace is to agree with your wife when she says she needs new shoes… or a new outfit… or even a new lipstick for that matter. I guarantee you, if you make one peep about how she doesn’t really need at 34th pair of shoes, there will be no hanky panky that night… maybe not the next night either