CDs and other stuff that has gone extinct in our house...

Five years ago, after strapping Hubber down and gagging him with an 8-ball, "we" got rid of all our VHS and cassette tapes. It was no easy feat. In fact, he went down kicking and screaming. And he still cries about it to this day... even though he has nothing to play the damn things on anymore. Now we have a gazillion DVDs and CDs... but it's time for some of that shit to go, too..
so, before Hubber births a cow, I'm putting all the music on a hard drive before getting rid of the CDs. I'm torn between being nostalgic about it and being thrilled at the prospect of finally getting my linen closet back. There are no fewer than 700 CDs in our media [soon to be linen] closet. SEVEN HUNDRED. And to think that their contents all fit on one teeny, tiny, wallet-sized contraption now is amazing.

Hubber isn't impressed with the new gadget. Nor is he happy to be losing his "media storage room" (soon to be linen closet).

Hubber: It's going to take a shit load of movies and stuff to make up for all the space the CDs take up in the media storage room.

Me: Uhm... we are not purging in order to start collecting junk again. Besides, that's going to be the new linen closet.

Hubber: The what?! What do you need linens for? You just want an excuse to go shopping!

Me: I already have linens... they're piled high in the game room closet... they're even touching the light bulb in there... damn, I hope they don't start a fire.

Youngest Spawn (interjecting little know-it-all that she is): You need to have a smoke alarm in there... and put a ladder in the window in case there's a fire.

Hubber mumbled something under his breath at that point which I couldn't quite make out but probably had something to do with the fact that he was bailing out on a losing battle. Now, not only was he losing his precious "media storage room" to household linens but he now has smoke detectors to install. Oh, and I thinkn I need some extra shelves hung.

Back to School... The Bitter and the Sweet

Today, our family hit a milestone... or two.  The oldest spawn started high school and the little one started kindergarten.  They were both very excited to start these new life experience.... all the while, their mom has mixed emotions.  Yesterday I was counting down the seconds until things would be "back to normal" and my kids wouldn't be pestering me all day long.  But, today... I feel a little differently.

I feel old.  I have a kid in high school.  Where the hell did the time go?  And how did my other baby get old enough to go to kindergarten?  Wasn't I pregnant last year?  I feel like I just blinked and POOF, five years passed me by.

But, regardless of how OLD I feel right now, I'm not SAD that they're gone during the days now... I do love my "alone" time.... I can work and write and piddle around the house in peace and quiet.  For the first time in a LONG time, I feel like I'm my own person.  No one is depending on me to do this or that or whatever.  I can just BE. And, I love it.

Summer Vacation: Day 2

Location: Disney's Fort Wilderness Resort & Cabins
Quote of the Day: "You'll always be a loser as long as you're with me." -Hubber
Mood: It's raining; but I've got sunshine in a bag

We made it to Disney World today; but not before stopping at a Waffle House for breakfast.  Hubber counted 362 kazillion of those suckers on the way here so we figured we were probably missing out on something if those things were THAT popular. We were right. That shit is good, y'all. And CHEAP!  We fed FIVE people for $25.

But I'm not here to talk about waffles and hashbrowns.

Our first day in our Fort Wilderness cabin was fun!  This place is huge... and amazing.  But you know my peeps are never happy.  We decided to go resort hopping for dinner... we trekked on over to Animal Kingdom's resort (which is lots more fancier) to see how the other side lives. It was great... and if it hadn't been for the thunder and lightening, we would have totally free-loaded and splashed around in their pool. Damn that mother nature! 

Summer Vacation: Day 1

Location: Alabama/Florida State Line
Quote of the Day:  "Goodness gracious great balls of China!" - Lil J
Mood: Thankful

I'm very high tech, y'all.  I've got a wi-fi hotspot on my iphone... so at this very moment, I'm sitting in the car typing away on my laptop as Hubber cheaufers us to Florida. We're headed to spend a week in Disney World!  So far, the road trip has been nice and uneventful.... aside from the occassional demonic outbursts from the brattiest of all children, Lil J.  We stuck her in the 3rd row seat so that we could pretend we couldn't hear her from all the way up front.  It works fine when we have our headphones on.  Well, sorta. Between the adults and the devil child are two teenage girls.... they have hardly made a peep.  Mostly, they sleep, watch TV or listen to music; they're totally oblivious to the drama occurring behind them.

I have to admit, though... I couldn't be happier.  I've got my family around me.  We're on our way to a happiest place on earth, y'all!  I'm thankful.  I'm annoyed.  But, thankful, too.  Maybe I'm lightening up in my old age?

My Fantasy Involves Football...

This year I’m playing Fantasy Football for the first time.  Draft day was an event in my house…. I taped my kids’ mouths up and made Hubber) sit next to me so that there would be more than my one-ounce of football brains involved in my picks. However, while Hubber was busy pointing and hollering about which players I need to add to my watch list (and warning me about bye weeks and whatnot)... I ended up with mostly boyfriends; like Chad Ochocinco (because he’s a dancer), Peyton Manning (because he’s so funny in those commercials) and Andre Johnson (because I gotta keep my homeboys in the mix).  And, just to balance things out a bit, I chose the Chicago Bears kicker who has a face only a mother could love.  That being said... I'm pretty confident that I have a winning team.

Momma Needs a Football Jersey That FITS



Momma needs one of these in an XXL

 I recently started writing for footballnation.com.  I bet you peeps didn't think I knew anything about football, huh?  I live to keep you people on your toes.  Anyhow... all the football research and writing has gotten me all worked up about the NFL season.  I don't care so much about the lockdown and collective bargaining crapola.... the thing that has me all in a tizzy is the fact that cute football shirts for large women are so damn hard to come by.  I want to represent as much as the next guy does.... but unless I want to squeeze into a women's medium-sized jersey sold at Academy or swim in a men's boxy jersey, I'm shit outta luck. 

So, you can imagine my surprise and cries of joy when I saw an advertisment on NFLShop.com for a new line of women's jerseys!  We're talking pink and blingy, y'all!  I was all beside myself as I clicked the link. But, as my luck would have it... the only size available in the Texans jersey I could afford is MEDIUM.  All the skinny girls and all the fat girls done bought up all the good stuff.... and the fucking line just opened!  Also, how does the NFL run out of jerseys in their store?  It's like going to McDonalds and ordering french fries only to be told they are "all out".  It's nonsense. And, it pisses me off. 

I think I owe Hubber an apology...

...maybe more than one apology... and maybe I KNOW I do (rather than THINK it).  You get my drift. Anyway, not that he's perfect or anything, but he sure has put up with a lot of shit from me over the last few years.  I won't get into specifics, but I will say that he's a trooper like no one else I've ever known.  Also, he doesn't fart around me and I appreciate that, too.  I love him for sticking by me through thick and thin... and for being stronger than I could be when I needed it most (and for knowing he needed to).   I think he might have saved my life. I love him a little more every day. I wouldn't trade him for the world. I guess I'll even keep his kids, too.

Oh, the joys of "working from home"....

Being a "contractor" can be fun but it also comes with its own set of complications.  Here's what I've learned in the past 6 months:

The good:

1. You only need one roll of duct tape to secure a 5-year-old to a chair AND cover her mouth.
2. Coffee tastes good in the morning... but booze helps you make it through the entire day (an added plus is that there's no need to "drive intoxicated"...which means I'm probably saving lives here, people!!)
3. You can dedicate your life to embarrassing your teenager by prancing around in your housedress all day while friends come and go.
4. You can spy on your neighbors during the day.
5. You can save gazillions of dollars in gas money!
6. Your office can sometimes be poolside...while you piddle away with two feet in the pool and a glass of wine in one hand.

The bad:

1. You can't buy groceries with promises of wealth to come "someday in the future".
2. You can write your ass off... but it doesn't mean anyone will read what you write or even give a shit that you're a badass writer.  Thick skin comes in handy.
3. Clients are always right... even when they're dumbass pieces of shit.
4. Having a dog and a toddler (and now a cat from hell) as co-workers is not all fun and games.
5. All those gazillions of dollars you save in gas money is now spent on electricity and entertainment.... oh, and booze.
6. Working poolside is not all that fun in 100-degree weather.

The ugly:

1. You can't go home to get away from the office when the office is in your home.
2. A virtual assistant living in the Phillipines with a college degree will work for $1/hour, but they won't be able to speak or write a proper (or even half-assed) sentence in English. 
3. It's really hard to justify buying a new pair of shoes every month.
4. Just because you work from home doesn't mean you're a goshdarned housekeeper!

 



Rapture Smapture

When I wasn't here posting blogs, the world was still moving.  Shocker... yes, I know.  And to make things more freaky, we had a bit of a scare on May 21st when for a minute (or two) we all thought (not really) that the world was going to end.  But, we're all still here; the Earth is still spinning and there is still work to be done, mouths to be fed and debauchery to partake in.    So, if you didn't spend all your life savings on bottled water, bomb shelters and zombie-killing weapons, it's time to bust that wallet open and get ready to start buying me lavish gifts!

How many steps are there in a mile?

The answer is 2,000.  No, I didn't count them... well, I tried, but I kept losing track and making numbers up.  Yes, I have a pedometer.  But, it's a cheap piece of crap that sometimes misses steps, so it's not to be trusted.  Instead, I trust the google search results... because that shiz is never wrong. 

TWO THOUSAND steps.  That's what I've been walking every day (except for yesterday because it was raining). 

At first I was feeling all proud of myself.... thinking, "hey, self, you're pretty badass to be walking a mile every day!"  But then, some jackass on TV tells me I should be walking 10,000 steps if I want to lose weight.  Needless to say, Dr. Oz is NOT by boyfriend anymore. And, when I was all heartbroken over the loss of my boyfriend, I see on my Facebook Newsfeed that one of my girlfriends rides 50 miles a week on her bicycle.  FIFTY MILES!  And, that's when she isn't working out in gyms for hours on end.  So, I sat here wondering if maybe I should push myself more and get off my toosh and walk a few more steps today.  It took me 20 steps to get this:

My workout is over.  Cheers!

Work and other things that make me tired...

Since I've been "working from home", I've realized something... when you work from home,  you never leave work. And, even when you physically remove yourself from home/work, it's usually to get groceries (work) or tote kids around (work), or to help others with something (work).  I got away from one job and took on 21 other jobs... and it pays less... and there aren't many perks, except for maybe this:



Ok, so it's not ALL bad...but still.  Momma needs some adult stimulation.  That doesn't necessarily mean I need my adult parts stimulated, either.  It means... I need conversation that doesn't require me to say, "You wanna go outstide to potty," or "Wipe your own ass!" or "Can't you see I'm on the phone!?" or "No, you cannot have another popsicle," or "no scissors on the couch!"  Besides myself and the little voices inside my head, it seems all I do these days is talk to animals and small children.  I guess it beats the alternative. I could be this guy: