Momma Needs a Football Jersey That FITS



Momma needs one of these in an XXL

 I recently started writing for footballnation.com.  I bet you peeps didn't think I knew anything about football, huh?  I live to keep you people on your toes.  Anyhow... all the football research and writing has gotten me all worked up about the NFL season.  I don't care so much about the lockdown and collective bargaining crapola.... the thing that has me all in a tizzy is the fact that cute football shirts for large women are so damn hard to come by.  I want to represent as much as the next guy does.... but unless I want to squeeze into a women's medium-sized jersey sold at Academy or swim in a men's boxy jersey, I'm shit outta luck. 

So, you can imagine my surprise and cries of joy when I saw an advertisment on NFLShop.com for a new line of women's jerseys!  We're talking pink and blingy, y'all!  I was all beside myself as I clicked the link. But, as my luck would have it... the only size available in the Texans jersey I could afford is MEDIUM.  All the skinny girls and all the fat girls done bought up all the good stuff.... and the fucking line just opened!  Also, how does the NFL run out of jerseys in their store?  It's like going to McDonalds and ordering french fries only to be told they are "all out".  It's nonsense. And, it pisses me off. 

I think I owe Hubber an apology...

...maybe more than one apology... and maybe I KNOW I do (rather than THINK it).  You get my drift. Anyway, not that he's perfect or anything, but he sure has put up with a lot of shit from me over the last few years.  I won't get into specifics, but I will say that he's a trooper like no one else I've ever known.  Also, he doesn't fart around me and I appreciate that, too.  I love him for sticking by me through thick and thin... and for being stronger than I could be when I needed it most (and for knowing he needed to).   I think he might have saved my life. I love him a little more every day. I wouldn't trade him for the world. I guess I'll even keep his kids, too.

Oh, the joys of "working from home"....

Being a "contractor" can be fun but it also comes with its own set of complications.  Here's what I've learned in the past 6 months:

The good:

1. You only need one roll of duct tape to secure a 5-year-old to a chair AND cover her mouth.
2. Coffee tastes good in the morning... but booze helps you make it through the entire day (an added plus is that there's no need to "drive intoxicated"...which means I'm probably saving lives here, people!!)
3. You can dedicate your life to embarrassing your teenager by prancing around in your housedress all day while friends come and go.
4. You can spy on your neighbors during the day.
5. You can save gazillions of dollars in gas money!
6. Your office can sometimes be poolside...while you piddle away with two feet in the pool and a glass of wine in one hand.

The bad:

1. You can't buy groceries with promises of wealth to come "someday in the future".
2. You can write your ass off... but it doesn't mean anyone will read what you write or even give a shit that you're a badass writer.  Thick skin comes in handy.
3. Clients are always right... even when they're dumbass pieces of shit.
4. Having a dog and a toddler (and now a cat from hell) as co-workers is not all fun and games.
5. All those gazillions of dollars you save in gas money is now spent on electricity and entertainment.... oh, and booze.
6. Working poolside is not all that fun in 100-degree weather.

The ugly:

1. You can't go home to get away from the office when the office is in your home.
2. A virtual assistant living in the Phillipines with a college degree will work for $1/hour, but they won't be able to speak or write a proper (or even half-assed) sentence in English. 
3. It's really hard to justify buying a new pair of shoes every month.
4. Just because you work from home doesn't mean you're a goshdarned housekeeper!

 



Rapture Smapture

When I wasn't here posting blogs, the world was still moving.  Shocker... yes, I know.  And to make things more freaky, we had a bit of a scare on May 21st when for a minute (or two) we all thought (not really) that the world was going to end.  But, we're all still here; the Earth is still spinning and there is still work to be done, mouths to be fed and debauchery to partake in.    So, if you didn't spend all your life savings on bottled water, bomb shelters and zombie-killing weapons, it's time to bust that wallet open and get ready to start buying me lavish gifts!

How many steps are there in a mile?

The answer is 2,000.  No, I didn't count them... well, I tried, but I kept losing track and making numbers up.  Yes, I have a pedometer.  But, it's a cheap piece of crap that sometimes misses steps, so it's not to be trusted.  Instead, I trust the google search results... because that shiz is never wrong. 

TWO THOUSAND steps.  That's what I've been walking every day (except for yesterday because it was raining). 

At first I was feeling all proud of myself.... thinking, "hey, self, you're pretty badass to be walking a mile every day!"  But then, some jackass on TV tells me I should be walking 10,000 steps if I want to lose weight.  Needless to say, Dr. Oz is NOT by boyfriend anymore. And, when I was all heartbroken over the loss of my boyfriend, I see on my Facebook Newsfeed that one of my girlfriends rides 50 miles a week on her bicycle.  FIFTY MILES!  And, that's when she isn't working out in gyms for hours on end.  So, I sat here wondering if maybe I should push myself more and get off my toosh and walk a few more steps today.  It took me 20 steps to get this:

My workout is over.  Cheers!

Work and other things that make me tired...

Since I've been "working from home", I've realized something... when you work from home,  you never leave work. And, even when you physically remove yourself from home/work, it's usually to get groceries (work) or tote kids around (work), or to help others with something (work).  I got away from one job and took on 21 other jobs... and it pays less... and there aren't many perks, except for maybe this:



Ok, so it's not ALL bad...but still.  Momma needs some adult stimulation.  That doesn't necessarily mean I need my adult parts stimulated, either.  It means... I need conversation that doesn't require me to say, "You wanna go outstide to potty," or "Wipe your own ass!" or "Can't you see I'm on the phone!?" or "No, you cannot have another popsicle," or "no scissors on the couch!"  Besides myself and the little voices inside my head, it seems all I do these days is talk to animals and small children.  I guess it beats the alternative. I could be this guy:

1 tequila... 2 tequila.... 3 tequila.... FLOOR!

Happy Cinco de Mayo, y'all!  Drink responsibly, people, or you might end up like this gal. Also... what in the world is she wearing?  Did she go back to 1988 and ransack Madonna's closet? White shirt, black bra.... bandana headband... black tights, ankle boots and a strange belt.  Oh, wait. That style is coming back, huh?  Scary.  And, although I hate talking smack about people's hair because I may jinx myself and have all my hair fall out.... what is up with the fried and bleached mop she's got going on there?  No wonder she drank herself into oblivion.  Poor thing.

Also... Happy Cinco de Mayo!  Or... "Pico de Gallo", as one of my friends says.... she likes to celebrate May 5th with some Mexican food and extra pico de gallo.  And... do you know what goes good with Mexican food?  Tequila! So, throw a few back today in honor of.... Mexican Independance from ...???  the Alamo?? (Damn, I hate history).

Squidoo-doo

Before I took on this "social media marketing" project, I had no clue that there was more to social media than Facebook, Twitter and blogs.  Momma is learning lots of stuff these days... like affiliate networking; writing one press release 10 different ways ("say the exact same thing but make it different," says client); hubpages; and my new favorite thing ever... SQUIDOO.  The name alone won me over.  I'm easy that way.  But, the funny thing is... I don't really know what the heck to do with it... sure, I created a squidoo page, but now what??  There wasn't even a category remotely related to the business... or other similar crap that people are supposed to be "searching" for when they accidently stumble upon us.  And speaking of... I think stumbleupon is another thingy I need to get hip to.   My head hurts now. I'm having social media overload.  It was hard enough keeping up with two facebook pages and two blogs, but now we have squids and stumbles and hubs and tweets and who the hell knows what else.  I'm just one person, damnit!  Momma needs minions, y'all.

Is it just me....

.... or does it seem like all of the loudest, most obnoxious drivers on the road are the same ones sporting cars plastered in WWJD bumper stickers, chrome fish emblems, "choose life" license plate holders and church logo window decals?? Or are those just assholes driving stolen cars that once belonged to church-going/heaven-bound folks?  Maybe police officers should start targeting all the crazies posed as Jesus lovers, pull 'em over and haul their butts to jail.  I say do it and ask questions later.  I really don't think Jesus would stick the finger at a 80-year-old woman driving slow on a Sunday. Nor do I think Jesus would lean on his horn at someone for not passing through a yellow light.  I think the question we should all ask ourselves here is: What Would Jesus Do for a Klondike Bar?  Steal a car?  Possibly.

This is how you piss people off at the grocery store....

1. Hog the entire aisle.  Park your cart on the left and stand in front of oncoming traffic and act like you can't find whatever it is you're looking for.  Also, act like you don't see anyone trying to get around you.  If they really wanted to get by, they'd say, "Excuse me."  Right? Right.

2. Put a bunch of crap in your cart and stroll around putting it all in places it doesn't belong.  Put some bacon near the canned goods.... frozen broccoli near a loaf of bread... toilet paper near the prune juice.  Wait. That last one kinda makes sense.

3. Bring the loudest, most annoying toddler with you to the store and either: a.) let them run around knocking crap over and leaving kid snot all over the non-perishables; or b.) strap them into the the cart seat and ignore them while they scream at the top of their lungs and pester the living shit out of everyone around you.

4. Whip out the coupons when you go to check out.  And when I say coupons, I mean STACKS of those badboys!  Everyone loves a good deal... sure, it'll piss the guy in back of you off, but when you save money at the grocery store, you have more cash for booze and whatnot... so screw it and get to clippin'!

5. Pay with a check.  Who the heck still writes checks these days?  You. That's who. And, you write slooooow.  Make sure to take some time rummaging in your handbag for a pen... and screw up and void at least one check before starting over...that will really set the next guy in line off!

Disclaimer

I thought I'd take a moment to clarify a couple of things about my blog in the very RARE instance that readers don't realize that this blog is meant to be HUMOROUS.  I don't actually spread my legs for followers; nor do I hate my children (usually).  I'm just a normal, everyday kind of gal who is stumbling through life WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR.  It's a shame we all weren't born with one of those, huh?